Andrew's Endless Ramblings

Facial Hair: God's Chosen Art Form

2010-08-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

While pondering in a wooded glen, I recently had a rather starting realization: I am running out of time to experiment with facial hair before my mission. As a select few of you know, I have already begun to take full advantage of the time remaining to me before this happens. So far I have learned that I look slightly less attractive than usual with a chin strap.

Though, in my defense,
who doesn't?

The whole wide world of facial hair is open to me now (minus anything requiring a full moustache, all the way... ...someday...)

For your convenience (although, let's be serious—I wager most of you will be using the following images for your "viewing pleasure" as well), using the latest in hypothetical imaging software technology, I have compiled a graphical list of a few possibilities for my next experiment.

1. The Mutton Chop

Dating back to that time someone grew huge sideburns and called them mutton chops, this extreme form of facial hair is a favorite among adamantine-clawed X-men, southern Civil War generals, and other cool people the world over.

Projected appearance:

2. The Shaped Burn

Despite the fact that Ludacris sported this look, these slivers of sideburn contain more awesome per capita than the entire state of Alaska. Add that to the "almostache" and the soul patch/decapitated goatee combo, and you have nearly enough awesome to power a small Transformer. I would recommend Optimus, of course.

Projected appearance:

3. The Everything

This look, popularized by Mr. T, really capitalizes on having just a small tuft of regular hair on top of the head. So I may not do this until shortly before I leave to the MTC...

Projected appearance:

Have any facial hair suggestions? I'd love to hear them in the comments.

Riding the New Layout Wave

2010-06-23T09:50:00.000-06:00

The first thing you probably did when you arrived at my blog today was do a comical double-take. Then I imagine you asked yourself a question something like this: "Why are all five of my senses being assaulted with indie-tude, and who is that preppy, yet undeniably attractive man in the hip new site header?" At least, that's what I asked myself. Then I reminded myself that it was a NEW LAYOUT, and the mysterious bespectacled stranger was actually me, when I was 15 years old. Don't worry. It was a Halloween costume.

"Why indie," you may ask? Haven't you heard? "Indie" is the new black! Is it ironic that the social movement emphasizing nonconformity and disregard for what others think is fashionable has become mainstream?

He doesn't think so.

Anyway. Now that I have my spiffy new layout, here is a list of topics I will likely write about in the future:

-Why my obscure music is so much better than yours.

-Fashion from the 90s.

-How much I hate mainstream music.

-How much I hate mainstream cinema

-V-necks.

So look out! Andrew's Endlessly Condescending Ramblings is up and running!

Portrait Photographers Gone Wild

2010-06-17T16:10:00.000-06:00

As none of you know, one of the main reasons I stopped updating this blog for a while was because of the launch of my Photoblog a number of months ago. Since then my photography has really taken off. Lately I've been doing a lot of portraits. In doing so, I discovered that doing a lot of portraits is really freaking boring.

Luckily, I have friends like Michael Hess that:

a) Buy a kilt
b) Want to do a photoshoot in a kilt
c) Agree that we should make it hilarious
d) No more lists. Just look at these photos.

The serious face is what makes it. Srsly.

Re-Launch. And Fish Stories

2010-06-08T12:15:00.000-06:00

Welcome back. I know you have all been faithfully checking my blog several times a day, hoping—nay, praying that I would update again and once more enrich your lives with my sarcastic humor, and rugged good looks that are somehow perceptible in my writing. Well your dreams are about to come true again (light glints off my carefully-cultivated 5-o'clock shadow as I type this).

Today I am here to explain to you the setup in one of my aquariums. Sound boring? Well, it isn't, so stuh-foo. During my brief hiatus, I picked up a hobby of keeping fish. But do I keep regular, boring fish in a regular, boring manner? Perish the thought. I present to you:

The Alpha Quadrant.

On the left is Romulan Space, and on the right is Federation Space. The mesh between is, of course, the neutral zone.

The two fish involved are Bettas, of course. Which means that if they were not separated, they would already have fought to the death. Let me introduce you.

Romulan. He really does bleed
green. I know. I checked.
Online.

While Romulan has yet to display any cloaking technology, he is quite good at calmly ticking off the Federation.

This is Federation. And yes,
those really are their
names.

I'm fully aware that I have brought more awesome into the fishkeeping hobby than you thought possible. You're welcome.

The Mormon Facebook Drinking Game

2010-01-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

New year, new font. Also, the editor I upgraded to doesn't include Lucida Grande. I have a strange feeling of déjà vu right now, which means I probably already told you this.

Anyway, this is the Mormon Facebook Drinking Game. Get a friend, a couple of shot glasses that you bought ironically at a gift shop somewhere, and a two-liter of Coke. Caffeinated. That's right, we're playing this hardcore.

Before you begin: Post a funny quote from any recent (post 2007) SNL video as your status.

Round 1:
Go through all the status updates on the front page of your live feed.

-For every one that includes the words "procrastinate," or "homework," do a shot.

-For every one that is something dramatic and sympathy/attention-seeking, do two shots.
-For every one that is an un-cited MLIA post, do three shots.

Round 2:
Go through all the "Name has become a fan of 'something'" posts on the front page of your live feed.

-For every one that is a sentence with the "I hate/love it when (insert something really specific here) happens" format, do a shot.
-For every one that fits the above description, and has at least one word misspelled, do two shots.
-For every one that fits both of the above descriptions, and one of the misspelled words is "your" instead of "you're," do three shots.

Round 3:
Tally up all the people who have chatted to you since the beginning of Round 1.

-For every person that you have never talked to outside of Facebook, do a shot.
-For every person that started the conversation with "what's up?" do two shots.
-For every person that discontinued the conversation after replying "nm" or "just chillin" to your "nothing really, how about you?" do three shots.

Round 4:
Check the comments on your status that you posted at the beginning.

-For every person who was too lazy to actually comment, and just "liked" your status, do a shot.
-For every person who commented with something like "hahaha" or "lol I love SNL," do two shots.
-For every person who didn't recognize the source of the quote, but commented anyway, do three shots.

Round 5:
Go to: http://www.facebook.com/#/photos/?ref=sb (Photo app page)

-For every album entitled "random pix" or some such thing, do a shot.
-For every album entitled "me" or something similar, do two shots. If the album picture is a mirror photo, do a chaser.
-For every album that has the word "piknik" in the title, drink the rest of the bottle.

I'd Like to Point Out How Cool my Friends are

2009-12-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have had to change my default font (Lucida Grande) to a new one (Verdana). The new post editor doesn't have Lucida Grande anymore. Just a snippet.

So, I promised myself that I would not become one of those bloggers that neglects their blog for a month, then posts a really short thing to relieve their conscience, then ignores their blog for another month. But the truth is, I have a ridiculously small amount of free time right now, and what little time I DO spend blogging is usually my one-post-a-day photo blog, because apparently my photography is more interesting than the rest of my life (what I'm saying is that I have real followers on that blog, who expect a daily post).
Anyway, excuses, excuses. Here's what my friends commented on one of my status updates on Facebook.

Thank you Kurt, Destin, and Matt for making my life funnier.

Onward to another topic that I will cram into this post, even though it is completely unrelated.

My school does a Madrigal Dinner every December. If you don't know what that is, I won't try to explain it. Just come. I'll sell you tickets. But one of the quirks of being in the Chamber choir is that I don't have to serve people food. I just have to entertain them. This year, I specifically requested the role of "Master of the Salt." Why? Because I get to trade salt for action. Yes, to get salt, you must kiss me on the cheek. Unless you're a dude. Tonight, after the choir finished Madrigal Dinner, we went down to Orem to sing a gig for Tahitian Noni's annual company Christmas party. I got a ride with a friend, so my car sat in the Lone Peak lot for about an hour. Upon my return to Lone Peak, I noticed that someone had written in car marker on my rear windshield: "I was gonna lick your face."

Hilarious and awesome, yes. But I don't know who did it. Usually I could figure out who did something like that. But none of my suspects were there tonight. So if you know anything, let me know. I'm pretty curious.

Teen-to-English Dictionary

2009-11-11T13:12:00.009-07:00

Sorry for going so long without updating. I've been very focused on my photography blog lately, but I don't intend to stop writing this blog.

We have dictionaries for everything. Except Teen-to-English. I plan to remedy that. It will be more useful than a Swahili-to-Navajo dictionary, anyway. The main difference between this dictionary and the rag Mr. Webster produces is that I not only include words with translations, but entire phrases! Here's the format:

Teenage Word	Translation thereof

Prepare to understand teenagers better.

Legit, Tight, Sick, Rad	Generally positive
Weak, Lame, Crap, Gay	Generally negative
Lyfe	Life
Hateeeee	Hate
"Shut up!"	"I disbelieve you."
"Music is my life."	"I occasionally listen to the All-American Rejects."
"I like all kinds of music."	"I occasionally listen to the All-American Rejects."
"I love photography."	"I own a Nikon Coolpix because Ashton Kutcher is attractive."
"I hate drama."	"I love drama."
"I am an open person."	"If you say 'gay' in front of me, I will get mad at you."
"I don't judge people by the color of their skin."	"If you voted for McCain, you're racist."
"I love poetry."	"I write mediocre poetry, but don't read anyone else's."
"I love reading."	"I love reading Twilight."
"I'm waiting for my Romeo to sweep me off my feet."	"I'm antisocial and can't get a date, so I hide on social networking sites. Furthermore, I have never read Shakespeare."

That concludes the sneak-preview. I don't know why the formatting on the page is so screwed up. Stupid Blogger CSS. I'll end with another shameless advertisement for my photo blog.

Billy Mays

2009-11-02T17:30:00.002-07:00

In honor of the late purveyor of OxiClean, Mighty Putty, Kaboom!, and many other household essentials, I decided to dedicate my 2009 Jack-o'-Lantern experience to none other than Billy Mays. May he rest in peace.

Notice the all-caps

In other news, I've started a photo blog. On the off chance that you care, it's been added to my links section.

Record Breakers

2009-10-21T19:39:00.003-06:00

As we learned from Michael Phelps, every record, no matter how insane, will eventually be broken. We also learned that you won't get in that much trouble for experimenting with marijuana as long as you're famous, but I'll save the other applications of that lesson for another post.

Following my introduction is a short list of records I didn't think could be broken... and how they were.

#1. Most Bricks Karate-Chopped through

I imagine at one point, this record belonged to some neanderthal, who, in a drunken prehistoric rage, hit the wall of his rock hut, and brought it smashing down to the ground. His tribe-mates heard about the feat, and probably held some sort of contest to see who could smash the most rocks. I like to imagine that one of the larger, beefier cavemen (who also probably had the largest beard) won that contest, and was awarded the rock crown that symbolized leadership. Then all the other cavemen had to bring him mammoth meat while he sat on his stone throne, a rhyme which I'm sure neanderthals wouldn't appreciate. Eventually, the wheel was invented, and then iron, electricity, and Twitter. Somewhere along the line, this pastime became much more civilized, with contenders smashing bricks and cinder blocks rather than rough stones. But I digress. I'm here to show you some sick videos, so that's what I'm going to do.

As you can see, this man goes through 90 concrete blocks in 16 seconds. I'll be honest; I have nothing witty to say about that. Here's an even better video:

This video is all the more impressive because the man doesn't even hit the bricks. He first shouts at them, presumably to both weaken their structural integrity and instill deep in their souls a sense of fear. Then he taps the topmost brick with his hand, and the rest crumple in a comical, domino-like implosion of shame.

#2. Most Books Typed Backwards

Michele Santelia has typed 67 books backwards, using four unmarked keyboards (one with English characters, one with Hebrew, one Chinese, and one Etruscan). Here is an actual transcript of the phone call placed by Mr. Santelia to report his "success" to the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records.

Guinness Operator: Hello, and welcome to the Guinness Book of World Records claims hotline. We are currently not accepting claims of having broken the most consecutive pogo-stick jumps record, the largest gum bubble record, or longest fingernails record, due to the fact that nobody cares. How can I help you?
Santelia: Yes, I've just finished typing my 67th book backwards.
Guinness: You've... hang on, what?
Santelia: I typed 67 books backwards.
Guinness: Are you serious? You want in for something as stupid as that? Get a hobby, man! Go put snails on your face, or walk on coals for a mile, or... or something!
Santelia: So can I be in the book?
Guinness: Absolutely. I'll inform my superiors immediately. And how long did this take you, sir?
Santelia: Don't worry about it.
Guinness: Gotcha.

The most disturbing part about the record listing, though, is its conspicuous lack of a time listing. They won't tell us how long it took Santelia to accomplish this task. Which forces me to assume it took well over a fortnight. I know that's an understatement, but I really wanted to use the word "fortnight." This automatically grants Santelia two further records: "Longest waste of time," and "Stupidest waste of time." Ironically, this also makes him a serious contender for the "Most Guinness Book of World Records awards held" record.

But wait! Did I say waste of time? No, as you can see here, Santelia has been selling his "works." What man who considers himself a serious scholar wouldn't want to add "The Tragedy of Macbeth Backwards" to his collection of refined literature? I can see it now... Stephen Hawking lovingly places his copy on the bookshelf, labeling that row "eraepsekahS mailliW" with a single, electronic chuckle. And somewhere in Italy, Santelia rolls around with $31.08 in $1 bills floating through the air around him.

#3. Stupidest Scammer Alive

After my first round of Senegal scammage, I have received numerous emails of the same variety. On a whim yesterday, I decided to answer another one for kicks. The reply was even more excellent than my last one. It was also significantly longer, so I'll only post highlights.

Like I said my name is Franca Aburey,I'm from Liberia in Monrovia the capital of my country in west Africa, I'm 26 years old,I'm fair in complexion, 1.62 feet in height.

Wow! I think you have... wait for it... BIGGER problems than your locked up finances.

i attach my picture here to show you who i am and i will also be expecting your own picture in your next mail.

So, here are the pictures Franca attached for me. I'm completely serious.

Excellent style, Franca. Once again, this screams "refugee in Senegal." Luckily, the hostel you're staying in has a professional photographer, and, evidently, a professional signature forger, who specializes in American photography company logos.

As excellent as this photo is, I believe the next one to be even more enlightening.

Um... what? Okay, I just added "professional florist" to the list of hostel employees, and Mr. Forgery has really been busy. All sarcasm aside, I honestly don't understand how this is supposed to give me any kind of information on what Franca looks like. Maybe she's trying to charm me with a picture of something vaguely feminine? I'm at a loss here.

Fortunately, I have a plan on exactly what to send back. As Franca expects a picture from me, the message will consist of just that... a picture. Here are some candidates.

I debated putting the "Royal"
signature on this one

Dramatization

Almost as vague as roses
and a candle

So, everyone (saying "everyone" makes it sound like I have a lot of readers), those are your choices. I need you to vote in the comments. More on this story later. I'm still hoping to troll one of these scammers into breaking their cover.

Do me proud.

My Car is Home to a Squirrel

2009-09-24T21:02:00.002-06:00

Okay. Story time. Gather around the metaphorical Blog rug. Everyone have your vanilla wafers? Here we go.

Once upon a time, I was trying to start my car this morning at about 6:15 so it could be warmed up and ready to go by 6:30, when I needed to leave for Seminary. Unfortunately, the engine wouldn't turn over. This was not particularly surprising, as the car is older than me, and held together with spit and prayers. So I popped the hood to take a look. Lo and behold, a LIVE TREE SQUIRREL was sitting on my engine block, staring me down.

"I dare you to do something about this," it said sassily. Except it couldn't really talk, except just pretend, okay?

"This is MY house."

I responded with a swift Z-Snap, and a resounding, "oh no you DITN'T!" I moon-walked to my garage to get on a pair of work gloves with which to remove the squirrel from my car with minimal risk of rabies and/or squirrel flu. When I came back, the squirrel scampered down into the undercarriage. It was out of reach, but I could still see its beady little eye. Staring at me. Mocking me. Right then, I almost got back in the car to make squirrel pâté. But my inner hippie vetoed this motion and I conceded defeat... for now. I took the Suburban to school.

When I got home, I checked out my engine block and my undercarriage carefully. It seemed squirrel-free, so I tried starting the car again. Nothing. The engine still wouldn't turn over. So. If the squirrel chewed through some wire or something else that would destroy my car... I'll just say I hope it was insta-fried down to a few moles of carbon, and blown by the wind right into Utah Lake.

The score stands at Squirrel: 2, Andrew: 0 right now. But I will have my revenge. And, heaven willing, get my car running again.

Adventures of a Senegal Scammer, Part II

2009-09-21T14:11:00.002-06:00

My dear friend Grace Johnson wrote me back after a long bout of email silence. This is good; I was starting to lose faith that she would ever get back to me. How else would I heal the scars that losing both of my parents in a tragic safari accident caused? Here is the transcript of her email. My comments are in red.

hello dear.
am very happy to inform you about my sucCess in getting the money transfered by my new pertiner (partner?) from korea but Presently i am now in Japan for investment projects and building of an Orphanage home in Africa and 2 other countries. (Africa and 2 other countries? I presume those countries are Asia and South America, then?) meanwhile, i did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist in transferring those funds despite that you failed me somehow because we loosed contact . (Hang on. Let's get the story straight. I emailed YOU back and YOU ignored me. This does not mean I failed YOU because we "s0mehow loosed contact.")

Now contact Rev Andrew Kuma on emai (catholicophanagehome@live.com ) and Tell.+22-1768417838 , ask him to send you a Barclays Bank Draft of $50 ,000.00 which i raised in your favour for your compensation for
all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. (Now we're talking.) I appreciated your efforts and the care at that time. Thank you very much .So feel free and get in touch with Rev Andrew Kuma and give him your address and your new contact telephone number where to send the draft to you. (I'll do that right away. Are you sure he doesn't need my social security and blood type as well?)

I am very busy here in japan because of the investment projects which i and the new friend Mr. Kaito Yamato and Mr.Allen Smith Jr are having at hand, I remembered that I had forwarded instruction to Rev Andrew Kuma on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with him without any delay. You might not hear from me in 3 months or more from now for security reasons . (Because the hackers don't read your emails if you space them out over three month increments.)

Best regards,
Grace

So enlightening. Well it sounds like our young hero has nothing left to do but claim his 50 grand from the mysterious reverend in Africa. Or does he?

Dear Grace,

I'm so happy for you! Thank Cthulu for your sucCess in transferring the funds to Korea. I'm proud of you for choosing to spend your money on orphanages in countries like Africa, such as and.

I cannot accept the $50,000, but will happily donate it to this Reverend Andrew Kuma. I'm sure he will put it to excellent use.

And Grace, there is one more thing... I think I am in love with you. I cannot put my emotions to words now, but I will wait the three months with bated breath, hoping, nay, praying for your reply.

Be safe.

Love,
Andrew

P.S. Cute pix lol!

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to you on this story in about three months. But realistically, I doubt it. "Grace" is most likely some old greasy man who speaks very little English, but wants to make a buck off of those stupid Americans.

Random Video Game Name Generator

2009-09-11T17:30:00.004-06:00

Ah, Internet. How you never let me down. I have, once again, found a new source of humor. It comes in the form of the Random Video Game Name Generator. Go check it out.

Now that you see what the site does, you will understand my immediate and automatic desire to throw together artwork for the game boxes in Photoshop. Here are my 3 best ones:

#3. Magic Train Crime Scene Investigation

In this game, you would play the role of a young, creepily animated boy who didn't believe in Christmas... until he finds that Santa was behind the explosion on the Polar Express! Rated E for Everyone.

#2. Frankenstein's Beat Dance Mix

This game would consist of a Guitar Hero-esque gameplay, but the controller is a 1/2 size version of a Frankenstein doll. Make him dance right, and your acceptance bar goes up. When it gets full, the townspeople are finally able to look past your physical deformities and see you for what you really are: lord of the dance! Rated T for Teen.

#1. Guitar Trampoline Choreographer

This game needs no petty descriptions from me. The Wii-ish game art tells you everything you need to know. Rated W for Way too Freaking Awesome.

So now that I've enlightened you as to the existence of this wonderful site, go check it out. Make some 500x500 album covers of your own! Just make sure I see them. This has tremendous potential.

Yahoo Answers: Fails and Wins

2009-09-07T12:50:00.003-06:00

If you haven't been introduced to the wonderful, 75% troll population of the Yahoo Answers community yet, you are missing out. Where else could people ask leading questions about other people's religions or political beliefs, and conversely, state their own opinions as fact? (Besides the rest of the internet.) Here I have compiled a list of Yahoo Answers fails and wins for your enjoyment. I have found that every dumb question falls into one of five basic categories: Standard Stupid, Too Much Information, English as a Secondary Language, Facepalm Worthy, and Trolling.

Standard Stupid:

Really?

As you can see, the 4th graders of today are smart enough to figure out Yahoo Answers, but lack the common sense of a 9-year-old. Wait...

Too Much Information:

I'm more concerned with what a "Ginny" is

Another sad example of how comfortable people feel being gross behind the shield of anonymity the internet affords.

English as a Secondary Language:

In Vlad's defense, this question
doesn't make sense in Russian,
either

I could make fun of this, but that would be like kicking a crippled puppy down the street: way too easy to be fun, and anyone can do it.

Facepalm Worthy:

I thought metal was more about
ripping hearts out.

And I would have to say that Megadeth has caused me to cry more than any other metal band.

Trolling:

For those of you who are blissfully unaware of what trolling is, let me pop that bubble of happiness. Trolls are people who scream racist, sexist, or generally offensive crap in public internet outlets hoping only to get emotional responses from others. Yahoo Answers trolls have evolved (mutated?) into people who ask questions designed to get people riled up, so that when they post their answer, the troll can report them for not answering the question correctly, and get them banned. We have internet anonymity to thank, once again.

Luckily, Yahoo Answers is only 99% a repository for idiots, trolls, etc. The lucky explorer can find gems of wit near the bottom of the swamp on occasion.

Honest question

Even more honest answer

In case you couldn't read that, it says "Set it on a windowsill where the sun hits it. Pick it back up in 135 years and it will have that yellow parchment appearance." I offer my congratulations and respect to the brave crusader for intelligent sarcasm risking his life in the dangerous territory that is Yahoo Answers.

A Letter to the CEO of GEICO

2009-09-05T12:28:00.004-06:00

To whom it may concern:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your professionalism. Truly I have been inspired by your extraordinary capacity for judgment of the human race as a whole. And how you have applied that to your business practices only serves to demonstrate your immense wisdom.

How could a mere mortal hope to achieve the same level of prudence as the man, nay, divine being, who discovered that all teenagers are terrible drivers? Indeed, those monsters unquestionably pose an untold threat to all the responsible, adult drivers on the roads of this country. It logically follows, then, that their insurance should cost twice the normal amount; only then can the universe be in perfect fiscal balance.

But under no circumstances should those blights against the human race, those scourges of mortals everywhere, those... teenage boys be afforded the same measure of decency as their relatively tolerable female counterparts. No, Baal himself demands that they be charged no less than four times the regular sum for auto insurance.

It behooves you to realize that not a single one of these savage barbarians deserves the chance to prove their skill and competence at driving safely. Let there be no possible mercy on those of them who avoid even the merest accident for the entire duration of their driving career. It matters not if he follows the speed limit more zealously than the SUV-owning mothers of Utah Valley who come to you for auto coverage. It matters not if he has never texted while driving, as is the custom of 95% of the 16 to 25-year-old girls you insure. It matters not if he uses his turn signal more often than the collective population of Provo. He is a teenage boy, and the bottom line is, he must not prevail!

Using the economy to your advantage, you have the power to end the auto-careers of these menaces on the road. I charge thee, therefore, to seal every loophole, caulk every legal gap, and prevent the continuation of the teenage-male-driver breed.

Viva la KGB!
Hugo Chavez

G-Force Review

2009-08-26T21:13:00.003-06:00

Let me give you a little background on this post: I was sitting at my computer, writing a sample article for the newspaper, which was a movie review. Since the only new releases I've seen so far are HP6 and G-Force (don't ask), I decided to write on G-Force. Somewhere along the line, maybe four or five words into the review, I could no longer dam the veritable river of sarcasm screaming to pour out of my head onto the paper, and the review became an example of exactly what NOT to do while writing a newspaper article, to be shown to the class tomorrow. Now I'm not here to educate you all on correct journalistic writing. I'm here to make you laugh. And I figured this was blog material. Without further ado, here goes:

This summer's box office contains many hits, but none of them are quite like G-Force. This thrilling yet comical release will keep your eyes glued to the screen while scenes of rodent-ridden action excite and amaze you! Tracy Morgan's inspiring performance nearly moved me to tears. He certainly has not sunk to a new low in his comedic career by voicing an animated guinea pig in a children's film, not to mention co-starring in a movie with Nicolas Cage.

The story follows our four quadruped heroes as they traverse the big city in an attempt to foil the plans of mega-billionaire CEO, Leonard Saber. Through a completely unpredictable plot twist, the team's tech support mole (a brilliant pun), fondly referred to as "Speckles," turns out to be the supervillain behind Leonard Saber's appliance-turned-killing-machines.

After an absolutely heartrending emotional climax, where it is tragically revealed that the guinea pig secret agents are not, in fact, biologically engineered to be mentally superior to all other guinea pigs, the G-Force team spends 30 seconds reflecting before moving out again to shout clichés (or in Tracy Morgan's case, black clichés), blow stuff up, and make Will Arnett's character look like a real dimwit.

I won't ruin the movie for you, but don't expect everything to end happily without something unexpected happening first! So this summer, be sure to avoid seeing District 9 or G.I. Joe - opt for the better option: G-Force in 3D!

I don't have a whole lot else to say on the subject. If you haven't seen G-Force, save your money. If you have, this article is probably a little funnier to you. Also, sorry for not having any pictures this post. I was too lazy.

I'm Bumping My Other Blog

2009-08-25T15:38:00.003-06:00

This one will be a quickie.

Reader's Digest version: I'm building a guitar right now, and I want to document everything. Since I vowed to keep this blog strictly to topics on which I can easily write humorous posts, I'm creating a separate blog to follow my guitar-building progress. For those interested, I've put a link at the top of my sidebar. For those not interested, I've put a link at the top of my sidebar, but I want you to ignore it.

Adventures of a Senegal Scammer, Part I

2009-08-10T11:51:00.004-06:00

Remember the 90s, back when cyberspace was this neat-o new invention that could be used for communication and business? Remember how approximately seven minutes after the internet was launched, some guy figured he could use it to scam people? Well that's one internet trend that has continued to be rampant, even in futuristic 2009. And finally, after years of waiting, the scam industry has decided to grace me with the privilige of receiving an email from a destitute African woman, whose father left her $2.3 million U.S. dollars. But she dares not attempt to access these funds from her refugee camp in Senegal. No, she needs a trustworthy soul in America to help her transfer the money to a U.S. bank account first.

This blog will spend a few posts following the progress of our journey together to transfer the funds to a U.S. bank account where she can safely withdraw it, and begin life anew in America, possibly rewarding the savior who assisted her in these transactions with a large sum of the money. Where will our adventures take us? Only time will tell.

Let's start with a transcript of the email I received.

"Hello my dearest
How are you today?
I am more than happy in your reply to my mail.
Mine is a little bit cold over here in Dakar senegal.
My name is Grace koneh from Ivory Coast in West Africa, i am 22yrs old, 5.3ft tall, fair in complexion and presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country.My late father Dr Oliver koneh was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood .it was only me that is alive now as the only child and I managed to make my way to a near by country senegal where i am leaving now In this camp .
Its just like one staying in the prison and i hope by God's grace i will come out here soon.i don't have any relatives now whom i can go to, all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i know here is Rev.father andrew kuma who is incharge of the church here in the camp ,

The rev, father's Tel number is (00221771703012) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me then he will send for me from my hostel to come and speak with you . As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this,when my father was alive he deposited some amount of money in one of the leading banks in europe which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $2.3M (Two million three Hundred Thousand Dollars),

I have my late father's Deposit Certificate and death Certificate here with me which i will send to you latter, So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to your place in order to further my studies, I kept this secret to people in the camp here because i don't want to loose the money or my life.

So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.
Remember i am giving you all this information due to my beleive in GOD and hoping that you will not disappoint me.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and hardworking person.My local language is french but i speak English very fluently.

Please i will like you to answer me these questions:
1.What percentage of the money will be good for you after the money is transfered into your account?
2. can i trust you as a genuine friend ?

Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said, i have alot to tell you..
Have a nice day and think about my condition here
Attach here is my pictures for you,
With love, Grace"

Here are the pictures that were attached:

This screams "refugee camp"

Now, there are many routes I could take with this opportunity. I could play the role of the absolute sucker, and give her fake bank information that would lead to her frustration. I could play the role of the absolute sucker, and give her extremely fake bank information that would lead to her arrest. I could turn the tables on her and ask her about helping me move a large sum of money from these weak U.S. dollars into a more secure currency, like Communaute Financiere Africaine francs, which just happen to be the standard monetary unit in Senegal. But I think that what I have planned is far more amusing. The trick with these emails is to be annoying enough to entertain yourself without giving away the fact that you're aware this is a scam.

Here is the transcript of the email which I have sent back:

Hello dear,

I'm doing great today. I had no idea that the civil war of Côte d'Ivoire had reached so far as to force refugees into camps in Senegal. I can empathize with your situation all to well, as my parents were also killed in a freak accident while on a safari in Guinea-Bissau shortly after I was born. I was raised by a small convent of monks, but set out last year to make my own destiny. I was 16 at the time, and have been living happily in Utah for a year and a half since then.

I would be happy to help you transfer your inheritance to a U.S. bank so you can fly to America and live here in peace and happiness, further your studies, and live a long, successful life.

I cannot ask for any of the money that is rightfully yours, especially knowing how tragic your past has been. My only payment will be the satisfaction of knowing I've helped out somebody in need of my service.

I hope that you can trust me as a friend, I want only to help you reach the United States safely and happily.

Thank you for the pictures; were they taken before or after your parents' deaths?

Please contact me soon so we can get started,
Andrew

From here, we wait. What will happen next? Stay tuned to watch this story unfold.

Wisdom Tooth Wisdom

2009-07-31T16:15:00.002-06:00

This post is to document the last three days of my wisdom tooth removal process. Also, to make you laugh.

Day 1:
At 8:00 on the morning of July 29, 2009, I arrived at the orthodontist in Lehi. After enduring many insensitive jibes about my looming surgery from the calloused, unfeeling nurses (I believe they were called Cruella and Jabba), I entered the room where the fateful destruction of my four extra molars was to take place. The oral surgeon entered, and imformed me that he was wearing his lucky wristband. I remarked dryly that I hoped he wasn't relying too much on luck. He said not to worry, as he had learned how to do this surgery pretty well the day before. I asked whether he had learned it on Wikipedia. He didn't answer, which I took as a bad omen. Shortly thereafter, they put me on Nitrous Oxide. I had previously instructed my mouth to stop moving at the mention of Nitrous Oxide, as other peoples' experiences have told me that the line between "witty" and "retarded" statements blurs alarmingly with the introduction of that particular gas.

Is this real life?

I inhaled the laughing gas with exceptional dignity, and vaguely felt an IV being inserted into my arm. Then I woke up on my couch at home. Subsisting on a steady diet of water and Lortab, my thoughts were not too clear that day. At one point, I decided to go check my FaceBook. Rising off the couch, I walked up the stairs and sat down at the computer. At that point, my vision went black and I only just managed to gently lower myself onto the floor before I lost consciousness. "Edward..." I moaned, as the hole in my chest overpowered me.

Day 2:
July 30, 2009. I woke up, and promptly went back to sleep. This event occurred with alarming regularity throughout the entire day. I read all of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. And I drank some Fuze. (Note: I finished that Fuze off today. It tasted like getting your wisdom teeth out.)

On the plus side, I was free to choose a position other than "laying down" without being forced to do Bella impersonations.

Day 3:
I had to go into work today for a while, until they could find someone to cover. A friend of mine who also works at Iceberg came in, took one look at me, and burst out laughing. Well, I'm glad one of us found humor in the situation.

And because I'm a rebel, I'm not even going to post a picture of my comically swollen face. That's right, I'm denying all seven of my readers that pleasure!

Harry Potter and Andrew

2009-07-17T11:59:00.003-06:00

I stepped off the Hogwarts Express alongside Ron, Hermione, and Harry, shooting malevolent looks at Malfoy as he passed. It was our 5th year at Hogwarts, and I had spent the majority of the train ride listening to them groan about O.W.L. exams. They were going to take place this year, and though I felt I could have passed them easily last year, I said nothing about the exams, aside from perhaps slipping a dry, witty comment in once or twice. Possibly three times.

I walked up to the thestral-drawn carriages, Ron, Hermione, and Harry hurrying along in my wake. The thestrals were looking thinner, more gaunt somehow than usual. I, of course, had been able to see the thestrals ever since I killed that Death Eater in my first year. The familiar call of "firs' years, this way!" rang out from the lake. I smiled quietly to myself, wondering if even Hagrid had noticed how underfed the thestrals were looking. I made a mental note to myself to mention it to him next time he invited me, Hermione, Harry, and maybe even Ron down to his cottage for tea and rock cakes, as he inevitably would by owl the first week of term.

As I stepped onto my carriage, I heard a shout and whipped around at lightning speed, thinking that Seamus had once again blown something the heck up. What met my eyes, however, was the hulking figure of Crabbe, his gorilla arms holding his wand up in the sky. He was casting the dark mark, just for fun it seemed. With a lazy flick of my wand, I sent his spinning skyward. It landed with a satisfying plop in the lake. Quickly erasing the dark mark from the sky before anyone noticed, I made a dry, witty comment on how thick Crabbe was.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron laughed loudly at my humor, then began quibbling among themselves over who got to sit next to me in the carriage.

"Andrew, Harry got to sit next to you last year, and Ron was the year before that. Isn't it my turn?" begged Hermione.

I rolled my eyes. Petrificus Totalus! The incantation emanated from my mouth thrice in quick succession. Hermione and Ron landed with their own respective thumps on the grass, and Harry swayed comically before crashing down on top of them both. He began attempting in vain to clutch at his scar like a loser, (because any time he clutches at his scar, he does so "like a loser"). He couldn't really move, but I could just tell.

I stood over the three. One of them, probably Ron, was whimpering quietly.

"Now you can all sit next to me at once!" I chortled, stacking them vertically next to me in the carriage. Harry stopped trying to grab his scar. Possibly he realized what a clever solution this was. He even smiled, a little. Except for he was paralyzed.

The thestrals started towards the castle. I gazed up at the many turrets and spires of Hogwarts, knowing that it would all be mine someday. The song The Circle of Life began playing, from Lion King.

Three years have passed since that day. Three long years, in which Harry helped me kill Voldemort, and I married both Ginny and Hermione. Ron protested at first, but after my Confundus charm, he seems to be quite happy with Lavender Brown. The sword of Gryffindor now rests in its scabbard at my side, because wearing a sword around makes me look super bad-a. The sorting hat resides in its proper place, on my head. It has to make a new song up for me each week. Harry has a spell placed on him that makes his forehead hurt (I have long since healed the scar) every time he says "blimey." Seamus has had a very successful career entertaining toddlers and the elderly by blowing things up in his face. Neville does crap with plants, or something. All is well.

Um, Animorphs

2009-06-09T19:28:00.005-06:00

Okay. For those of you who have not experienced the joy of these books (hopefully as an elementary school age child), here is a short breakdown of the plot to explain things before I begin pitilessly mocking them.

Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel, and Tobias are 7th graders. They are walking home from school when AN ALIEN SHIP LANDS right by them. Out comes an Andalite, which is basically a blue deer with no mouth and a giant blade on its tail. Oh, and stalk eyes. It's dying. It tells them about these other aliens called Yeerks, which are little gray slugs, but they can take over other species by going into their ear canal and hijacking their brains. Every three days, the Yeerks have to come out and have a swim in the Yeerk Pool, which is this sludgy stuff that has nutrients and crap. The Andalite then gives them a glowy blue cube. Whoever touches it can morph into animals that they have acquired DNA from (just by touching the animals). But if they stay in a morph for more than two hours, they're stuck in it FOREVER! So the heroic middle school students must stop the Yeerks from taking over humanity! Also, like four books in, the little brother of the first Andalite, named Ax, crash lands in the ocean and they save him. Then he helps them fight the Yeerks.

Also, they look like this.
Just throwing that out there.

That's a super condensed version of the 54-book plot, but I'm more interested in ridiculing than summarizing.

Character breakdown.

Jake. Jake is the natural leader of the group. He's the "tall, dark, and handsome" type. He doesn't talk a whole lot. He is romantically involved with Cassie the entire time. If he was a Twilight character, he would be Edward.

Rachel. Rachel is Jake's cousin. She is the girl version of Rambo. She exists in the series not to provide any kind of plot or character development, but to humorously suggest the most violent possible plan for every situation that arises. If she was a director, she would be Michael Bay.

Marco. Marco is the comic relief for the series. Well, I should rephrase that. Marco is the intentional comic relief of the series. He exists to crack jokes, talk about 90's-esque gaming consoles, and use neat-o, hip, 90's lingo. If he was a decade, he would be the 90's.

Cassie. Cassie is a tree hugging hippie. She exists so that the Animorphs don't all have to be white. She is the opposite of Rachel in that she has too much personality, character development, etc. Reading books from Cassie's perspective is boring. All she does it talk about stupid feelings. If she was a talk show host, she would be Dr. Phil.

Tobias. Tobias is the boy version of Cassie. He's the picked on kid at school who's really artsy and comes from a messed up family. He exists so that K.A. Applegate can avoid the stereotype that boys are all G.I. Joe and girls are all Bella Swan. If he was a psychological disorder, he would be depression.

Ax. Ax is a blue freakin' deer. He exists to fill in plot holes with explanations derived from alien technology. And to have vaguely gay scenes with Tobias where they do strangely primitive alien rituals together to celebrate the sunset and crap. Like every book.

Plot Holes

Most of the logic flaws in the plot can be filled in with something Ax says. Oh, wait. I forgot he doesn't have a mouth, so he just telepathically projects his thoughts into everyone's mind. But there are a few things that just don't make sense.

First of all, the battle morphs they use are ridiculous.

Is it just me, or is that a little less intimidating than this?

I know which one could take more bullets. Or Dracon Beams, as it were.

Second, Tobias manages to get permanently trapped in his hawk morph in the very first book, during a raid on the Yeerk Pool. At first I questioned how he could be that stupid. But then a much more pertinent question arose: why the heck did he morph into a hawk to raid the Yeerk Pool?

Tobias' plan for attacking the
Yeerks in Arizona

Also, what did you plan on accomplishing by attacking the Yeerk Pool?

Even if you're a gorilla, you can't
just "destroy" a pool of liquid

Okay. I'm out of things to make fun of. I know it's been awhile since I blogged actively. Hopefully this summer I can get back into the groove of things. Word.

Not Overburdened with Subject

2009-05-27T12:47:00.002-06:00

In keeping with my long tradition of making fun of Twilight, I found this article. Actually, Melissa showed it to me, and Brittany showed it to her. I took the best part, a parody, and will post it here.

The original post (along with the rest that I didn't re-post here) can be found with a short Google search for "Not Overburdened with Subject." It is your first result.

Without further ado:

Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Very well.”

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

I could not have written a better parody myself. Thank you, whoever wrote that, for including the words "liquid topaz." Best part of the entire article: "Oops." (six seconds later) "Yum."

The Next 4 Hit Songs by Popular Artists of Today

2009-04-29T22:06:00.003-06:00

I was talking to my good friend Micah on FaceBook today, and the conversation turned to music. I have met few people who I agree with more on music than Micah. Which is cool, because I'm super picky. Then my brain had some kind of breakthrough and the idea for this post spontaneously popped into my head. I'm not going to try and explain it. But I think Micah gets some credit. Check out his blog, by the way. Funny cake sauce.

Without further ado, I present to you (that rhymed):

#4. "All of My Fans are White" by Kanye West.

From the album:

#3. "Somebody Pay Attention to Me" by Britney Spears.

From the album:

#2. "Still Don't Have Lung Cancer Yet" by Nickelback.

On the album:

#1. "Song #693" by Dragonforce

On the album:

That concludes today's post. Until next time, keep verbally ridiculing popular music!

3 Reasons why New York is Cooler than Utah

2009-04-07T22:15:00.007-06:00

There are certain things that everyone does after going somewhere cool. For instance, after going to EFY, 95% of people on FaceBook post roughly eighty six hundred pictures.

Well for me, whenever I go to NYC, I post roughly 200 pictures on FaceBook, and then write a blog. So here we go.

#1. Food

This is the first thing that came to mind. In New York, if you ask for a gyro (pronounced like "euro"), you will get one of these for about $4:

Delicious

In Utah, if you ask for a gyro, you will get this:

"I thought there were just dollars...
Do you have gum?"

And since that is less than delicious, we have NYC: 1 and Utah: 0.

#2. In New York, there is more than one black person.

Yeah.

No.

New York: 2. Utah: 0.

#3. Times Square

Here is New York's version of Times Square:

Delicious

Here is Utah's bid:

Notice how there's... a car.

New York: 3. Utah: still 0.

On the other hand, in Utah, you can breathe air instead of secondhand smoke, buy a candy bar for less than eight dollars, enjoy free water in more than two locations, and wear this in public for significantly longer before being stabbed.

Or hit on. By men.

Wow. Looks like good old Utah actually won 4 to 3. Sorry Jen.

The Most Disorganized Post Ever

2009-03-27T23:08:00.002-06:00

Ok, first of all, here's a funny video about friends reminiscing I made tonight. It kind of reminds me of that time I was on LSD and tried to film a movie. Also, I did a really crappy job editing it because I was feeling lazy tonight. And during one scene with dialog, my camera decided not to capture any audio, so I voice overed for it. Unfortunately, it was Kaycie's voice that was not recorded. So that should be interesting. Here's the video:

Tanner, you may have noticed I forgot to put in the last part. Which sucks, because that was hilarious. But it's too late. Sorry.

Here's the weird thing that happened to me tonight (this has nothing to do with the video, by the way).

I had FaceBook in the background while editing the above movie, and was messaged by one "Loretta Shidt." Loretta Shidt falls into the category of, "friends on FaceBook that I don't know in real life, and added because they went to Lone Peak and had a ton of friends in common with me." I don't actually remember when I added her.

She started hitting on me. Normally, ok cool. New friend time. Then it became less of "playful flirting" and more of "really forward, I want to make out with you" flirting. I started checking out her profile. In it was a box that said:

"This facebook account is an ethical experiment to tell the world to be careful who you add to your friends list. And to show how easy it is for online predators to create illigitimate facebook accounts.."

I like to think that after much deliberation, the person who made this account omitted the final sentence, "And to prove that it is okay to type in fragments."

Anyway, long story short, it's a group of kids from LP whose parents undoubtedly belong to the "Social Networking is of the Devil" society in Utah. I guess if you hear it long enough, you get brainwashed into thinking it's true, and then... try to prove it? I dunno.

But here's the best excerpt from the entire conversation:

Loretta: lets get to the bottom line do you or do you not want to make out with me?

Me: On the off chance that this is even remotely real, perhaps I should direct you to http://www.lds.org.

Loretta: is this for seminary?

Me: Yes. I have an assignment to wait on FaceBook until a stranger starts hitting on me, then try to convert her.

Throughout the conversation, I was being tagged by her in various pictures of Barack Obama, Pope Benedict, and Emperor Palpatine (ok, I made up that last one). Shortly after the above exchange, I was tagged in this picture:

Seriously

Well it didn't take much time before I was informed by two separate people that the account was fake, which I started suspecting as soon as "she" began denying the presence of a box in "her" profile which outlined the entire purpose of the account.

I congratulate you, Loretta, on managing to trick me into adding you. But next time, perhaps you should budget more time than 1/2 hour into seducing a teenager from stranger to first base. What kind of amateur sexual predator are you, anyway? One more tip, for the road: usually there's no box that says, "The purpose of this account is to lure young children into my house so I can molest them" sitting under the profile picture of a real stalker.

Ode to Unnoticed Jokes

2009-03-11T21:51:00.007-06:00

There are few things in life that frustrate me more than seeing a brilliant outburst of wit go un-laughed at by the general public. Particularly when I am the originator of the gem. Perhaps I should just yell all my jokes from now on. There are actually a few ways for this to happen, and here are some of them:

1. Auditory Failure or "Not hearing it"

This one used to happen to me a lot. Whether it's because I'm such a mild, soft-spoken person, or because the audience of my joke just broke his/her protest of Rihanna's music, the result is the same.

She did beat up Chris Brown
with her face...

Lately though, I've noticed it happening to other people more often. I guess my shout-jokes plan is working.

OK THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU LAUGH

It irks me when someone rattles off some sarcastic one-liner under their breath and nobody hears it but me, ok? My solution is broadcasting their joke loudly, and sometimes even giving them credit for it! The danger is when they realize it was funny because I laughed at it, and then they tell it to another person in story form. As in, "and then I said..." This causes it to lose approximately 108% of its hilarity, and yes, there are actually people that do this. Like, all the time. Stop.

2. Under-education or "Not getting it"

Perhaps the most annoying way to lose a joke on this list is when people simply don't get it. Now, it's understandable when the joke only applies to a very specific group of people.

"And then the Night Elf was like,
'LOL! NooB!' "

But there are some jokes that should really be understood by everyone. It's even more frustrating when people laugh at it, but for a totally different reason. The best example I can think of is in the short that Pixar released on the DVD of The Incredibles, Jack-Jack Attack. If you'll recall, the baby begins discovering its powers and bursts into flame amid judgment-day-like music while the already moderately hysterical baby-sitter freaks out. Remember her?

"Hey! Mozart makes your baby fetching smarter!"

But here's what everyone misses: the doomsday music that begins playing as firebaby makes his appearance is Dies Irae... BY MOZART! The baby sitter was already playing Mozart music through the house. So it's not just an outside track for the benefit of the audience. The CD player happened to change to that song with ridiculously ironic timing, all within the bounds of the movie.

Unfortunately, now that I've explained it, it's no longer funny. Which brings me to the deadly mistake people make: spending 8 times as long explaining the context of a joke as they spend telling the actual joke. It's worse than unfunny, it's annoying.

3. Underdeveloped Sense of Humor or "Not thinking it's funny"

Now there's a fine line between not laughing at a tasteless (i.e. insulting or racist) joke, and just not having a sense of humor. Furthermore, I realize that there's a time for humor and a time to shut up and be serious. Here's the unofficial spectrum:

Fair game

Avoid at all costs

I also understand that some things take a rather special sense of humor to appreciate. Which I have. *cough*Hot Rod*choke* With all that said, some people I have encountered simply don't have a sense of humor. It's not that they don't get jokes, or that they don't view the world with humor goggles on. They simply insist on being serious, always. 100% of the time. And that,

is a mistake.

So you should laugh at funny people. It's nice.

The 5 Worst (and Best) Things about Working at Iceberg

2009-02-14T22:28:00.007-07:00

Most of you have probably worked fast food at one point or another in your life. And unless you are some kind of freak, you know how much it sucks. But every fast food experience is a little different. Here are the worst parts of mine, and to make this post sound less like whining, I'll also put something that balances each complaint out somewhat.

#5. The Shake Shield

Why it Sucks

Iceberg is famous for its shakes. This is because they are good. And as any wise old hobo will tell you, good things take time and effort. Now because we are a fast-food joint, the "time" portion of that has been marginalized. But that has effectively sent the "effort" part skyrocketing. The machine we use to mix the shakes has a shield in front to contain high-velocity dairy, which is held in place by a simple rail system. Recently however, this shield has taken upon itself a new mission: to destroy my childhood. I'm forced to assume it's been systematically disabling the essential components of the rail system at night while we're not there. However it accomplished this, the shield now has a 99% chance of falling out of the rail system during use. This results in a lovely spattering of soft-serve across your shirt, arms, and soul.

Comparable Perk

Abusing the machine by making unorthodox shakes for dares (i.e. barbecue sauce).

#4. Doing the dishes

And he wouldn't even help me.

Why it Sucks

I am not a fan of doing the dishes anyway. But take the dishes you do at home, and multiply the quantity (both of dishes and of grease) by about 18, and you have an industrial sized mess. Now I realize I'm getting paid to do this. But when business is slow (fewer people tend to have ice cream cravings when there's a blizzard outside), I end up working the majority of my hours with two managers, and zero normal (see: teenage) employees. Which means I do the dishes every shift I work, often while one or both managers watch obscure college teams play basketball or football on Direct TV.

Comparable Perk

Smelling the sanitized water. I think you can get high off of it.

#3. Working with Crappy Employees

Why it Sucks

There are a number of employees at Iceberg that work hard and get the job done. I get alone just fine with them. Unfortunately, it seems that for every person who works, there are two that don't. My favorite example is the girl who refused to do the dishes on the grounds that "she did them at home." For reasons mentioned above, this didn't fly so well with the rest of us. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll tell you that to this day, she has never done dishes.

Comparable Perk

Not telling them that you just mopped the floor and watching them fall. Especially funny when they are unable to get up.

#2. Last-Minute Customers

Why it Sucks

I want you to close your eyes. Picture yourself standing in a tacky uniform, covered in grease, and smelling like you just finished scrubbing goo off of dishes for two hours. You have been pre-closing in the absence of customers for the last hour and a half, and there are about 5 minutes left until the clock strikes that magical hour when you get to go home. You drain the water/slime mixture from the sink, make sure everything else is squared away, and lean against the wall, trying to regain some energy while you wait until you can leave. Suddenly, a large, overweight primate of indeterminate gender enters the store.

Food?

It says something along the lines of "Are you closed?" and your manager cuts you off in mid-"yes" in order to say "no." Between mental outbursts of swearing, you notice the clock smugly displaying an LED "10:58" in your direction, mocking you.
Not only does this poster-boy (girl?) for obesity proceed to order enough food to re-dirty 16 separate dishes, but he/she comes back complaining about how "I didn't want cheese," and demands a brand new burger. Needless to say, you get home rather later than you had hoped.

Comparable Perk

When they order a grasshopper or mint shake, and you put in enough mint to make Colgate sue for patent infringement.

#1. The Drive-Thru Window

Why it Sucks

Iceberg was an pretty good place to work at until the Drive-Thru was installed. The concept is good - get your food without that pesky exercise and "walking." But the execution could be worked on. Employees must wear a headset with a microphone.

Drive-Thru headsets (artist's depiction)

These devices, invented by Nazi scientists in WWII, emit a shrill beeping noise directly into your ear canal whenever they want to bring to your attention the fact that some lazy blob is sitting outside in their Hummer, waiting to shout their demands for food at you. Now I'm not saying that they purposely beep the second you begin a task or stop to relax, but they do. It's uncanny. It has honestly gotten to the point that hearing short, high-pitched beeping noises makes me subconsciously angergasm before my conscious mind catches up and realizes it's not the headset.

Comparable Perk

The best thing I get to do with these torturous mechanisms is de-battery them at the end of the day. But I may someday execute a plan that involves accidentally dropping them all in the french fry oil. I can imagine the horrible screaming that would ensue now, just before their tiny silicone brains melt.

Hopefully I have done my part to help the economy (namely putting a stop to any future fast-food employee's dream job) with this post. Have any crappy fast-food stories? Leave me a comment.

More Things that Annoy Me

2009-02-08T15:15:00.002-07:00

I already have a post entitled "Things that Annoy Me." But if you thought that covered everything, you were wrong. (Because it didn't.)

I'm not one for lengthy introductions, so here we go.

#1. Twilight

I haven't found a legal means yet to express how much I hate this book.

#2. When People Think I Hate Twilight Because Edward Forces Me to Raise my Standards

So apparently Edwards standards are higher than mine in that he:

-sleeps in the same bed as Bella, while in High School
-kills and eats helpless woodland creatures
-speeds
-dates girls that are nearly 100 years younger than him
-drives a Volvo

And she thinks he's straight?

Congratulations, Twilight fans! You just succeeded in making less sense than Cuba.

#3. When I Think it's Done Snowing, and it's Not

Without fail, every time I unlock my hubcaps, within two or three days...

Nature gives me the bird

So I ask again, what annoys you?

I'm Back

2009-02-02T18:29:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I've been really terrible about updating lately. Sorry.

Here's a video I made for English. Watch it. It's funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ-E4sK36XY&fmt=18

How to Generate Traffic for your Blog

2009-01-08T19:15:00.004-07:00

It has come to my attention that most of my competitors in the competitive world of competitive blogging competitions feel like they can't compete with me when it comes to number of readers. Since I'm going to win the competition anyway, I figured I would give them all a competitive edge and leak my secret to blog traffic.

Tip 1: How To's and Lists
Everyone loves reading things that are organized into list format. Why do you think Twilight is so popular?

Actual excerpt

Heck, why do you think my blog is so popular? Everything I write is in lists. Which might explain my English grade. And Stephanie Meyer's.

Tip 2: Advertise on FaceBook

Think - most of your friends are on FaceBook. Who reads your blog? Your friends. So you should alert them to your new posts with your status! Admittedly, this one gets a little bit old after a while, so you may face some superficial frustration from people who read your status update.

Dramatization

At this point, you must make a decision: you can have friends, or you can have blog readers, and friends who want to twirl your intestines around a fork like spaghetti.

And then throw them
at a baby.

Tip 3: Vlog about Hot Chocolate

Apparently it's quite a hot topic among potential blog readers. Jeez.

Hopefully this post has helped some of you that don't have more than 50 or 60 readers. These tips will turn your blog into a reader-magnet that extends to far off countries like Norway!

Response to my "How
to Make a Stop Motion"
post. Seriously.

Stake Office Secrets

2008-12-31T11:41:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I was able to break into a high-security office facility in a stake center in Highland. This has been a goal of mine for some time.

Once again, I suspect there
is a trophy involved.

But what I found in that office was... let's say "enlightening." I cannot accurately tell, so instead I will show you the contents of one filing cabinet in particular. Be aware, you may learn more than you ever wanted to know about the underbelly of the church.

The following documents were all in the bottom drawer, buried under a veritable mountain of For the Strength of Youth pamphlets. After carefully photographing each piece of evidence, my position was compromised and I was forced to make a hasty getaway.

Any document that is hard to read (which would be any of them) can be clicked on to expand.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E:

Possibly the most disturbing object, however, was found inside one of the "For the Strength of Youth pamphlets, cut out as if it were being hid in a prison.

Undetectable from the outside

I opened the book and extracted this:

Make what you will of these documents. My publisher will be getting back to me soon.

Dual Vlog with Melissa and I

2008-12-29T23:16:00.001-07:00

I would also like everyone to know that I don't think Conference is really boring.

Vlog Wars: Episode I - the Phantom Remote

2008-12-17T21:52:00.002-07:00

For those of you who need it, here's the URL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycqU4hjRr_E

For those of you who don't, here's the video:

Please note that as soon as I was done with filming the first section, I found the remote. The irony gods smile upon me today.

The Answer

2008-12-12T19:56:00.002-07:00

We all know that I like making fun of things. What some of you MAY not know however, is that I also enjoy dating. Kaycie sent me this video to ask me to Preference this year, so I decided to reply in kind. I consider my answer video to be somewhat of a blend of my two passions: making fun of stuff, and scoring a date. And making movies is fun in its own right, too. Here is Kaycie's video.

http://www.youtube.com/v/31DxV7Z_FBI&hl=en&fs=1

Before I answer, I would like to thank a few of my sources and inspirations.

First, to Billy Mays, I owe my gratitude. Without his obscenely loud shouting of every single line, I would not have had anything to make fun of this video.

And buy some FREAKING Oxy Clean!

Second, to the Tiddy Bear infomercial. Melissa recommended I talk about it on my blog anyway, so here's the tribute picture for that. I didn't want to make fun of this infomercial, as that would be akin to tripping a mentally handicapped kid and then spitting on him. Rather I celebrate how much guts it would take to air this on public television, let alone star in it.

Link to video omitted

So without further ado, here is my multi-faceted video. It is simultaneously a parody of everything Billy Mays has ever appeared in, a tribute to the courage displayed by the makers of the Tiddy Bear, and my answer to Kaycie's video asking me to Preference.

http://www.youtube.com/v/G7HU8mIt3TE&hl=en&fs=1

As a final note, I would like to point out to everyone that I misspelled "Preference" on the tee shirt. So I guess in a way this is also a tribute to my Princess. And if you didn't get that, you are not Melissa.

2006 vs 2008

2008-12-06T22:19:00.005-07:00

So I had a Chamber gig this morning. And I got into my tux. And I said to myself "Kyle." (Sometimes I call myself Kyle.) "You are a stud. Take a picture, and put it on FaceBook." And through a long and narcissistic series of events, I found myself looking through my other FaceBook pictures. And I found one I took in 9th grade of me in my 9th grade Chamber tux. And I decided to write a compare/contrast essay on the two pictures. Because, let's face it: 5-7 pages of research paper for Gardner really isn't enough English writing in my life. So the paper follows. And I'll intersperse the pictures throughout so you don't forget what I'm writing about (because you guys just can't focus), and so I have more opportunities to make funny captions. Everyone wins. Go team! And the first picture is a thumbnail that links to the full-size. Also, I would like to point out that both pictures are available separately on FaceBook (pic c0mm3nts plzzzz!!!1!)

Bond. James Bond.
Bond. James Bond.

Since the beginning of time, man has posed in full Tuxedo attire for FaceBook pictures on a regular basis. This phenomenon has been called many things, such as "posing in a tux for a FB pic," "taking a picture of yourself in a tuxedo," and "Holy crap. That guy is hot." Because of the nature of posing for a tuxedo shot, America what it is today.

In 2006, Andrew Broekhuijsen was a Freshman at TMS. And he was in Chamber. So sometimes, he wore a tuxedo. The first recorded incident of this was about 1 month into the school year (Broekhuijsen 29,674). The same day, he took a picture of himself posing sexily.

[censored]

On the other side of the tortilla, on December 6th, 2008, Andrew took another one, this time in his slightly more legit 11th grade tux (Wikipedia). And he found that there were a whole lot of similarities between the two pictures. And he said to himself, "Randy, I should write a blog post about this."

See? Similar.

As you can see, the left picture (2006) features the "hand on the hips, with slightly tilted head" look. But! So does the one on the right, with a slightly more tilted head.

I like to think of it as a symbol
of my growing maturity.

Even more curiously, the pictures were taken with the same section of wall in the background (Probably, 1) When I saw that, I said to myself, "Nebuchadnezzar, you have some odd recurring habits."

This is the picture I'm talking
about, by the way

So as you can see,

Don't forget

these pictures forever changed the growing country that america turned out

to be.

END ESSAY

As a final note, I would like to point out that I purposely broke all the rules that were taught to me by Birrell and Woolsey. Quick recap: Cheesy cliché phrases, check. Ridiculously generalized thesis, check. Citing Wikipedia, check. Forgetting to capitalize the world "America," check. Single-spaced works cited* page, check. Predictable MasterCard reference, priceless.

*Works Cited page may or
may not be invisible.

How to Argue

2008-12-02T15:39:00.002-07:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar with recent Blog history, here's the story behind this post. On November 24th, I posted it. On November 25th in the morning, Joshua deleted it because it was inspired by him, and evidently he felt that he deserved a portion of the profits. After a long and dramatic lawsuit involving public humiliation and disturbing death threats, I finally compensated him for roughly 500% of this blog's annual income (about $0.02) and in return, he showed me where he had backed up the blog post before he deleted it.

I will admit that this post was pretty rude. But it was also quite funny apparently. So I'll re-post it anyway. Here it is, how to argue:

---------------------------------

Before I start, I would like to thank Joshua for enlightening me on this subject. After experiencing his perfected form of this art, I have embarked on a period of reform in an attempt to refine my own ways. And I want to share this with you all too, so that you don't find yourself hopelessly outclassed next time you argue with a 14-year-old.

1. Repeat Their Argument

Your opponent comes up with an argument, and you can't seem to think of a counter-point that would refute it. At this point, don't panic. Your best bet is to take the argument they just crafted, change a few words to make it insulting, and hurl it back at them. It will confuse them, lower their morale significantly, and distract them from the purpose of the argument. In the case that you can't come up with replacement words, some arguments can be repeated verbatim.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I wish you would stop picking on 10-year-olds.
[You]: I wish you would stop being such an idiot!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you.
[You]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you!

2. Interrupt

One seemingly obvious, yet somehow underused technique is cutting off your opponent mid-sentence. It's really just common sense—if your opponent can't finish their argument, it becomes moot. For the greatest impact, interrupt in a place you can use to finish your opponent's sentence. Failing this, however, repeating one word or phrase until they stop talking can work. The uneducated mind might think this technique is in the same class as just plugging your ears and singing, "I can't hear you," but come on. That's immature.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I'm just going to ignore your arguments from now on, because—
[You]: —they own you? You can't think of anything to say so you're just giving up? Yeah!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: As you can see from this chart I've compiled of every time you have angrily hit something because you lost a computer game,—
[You]: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

3. Go off on a Tangent

This will make the argument seem pointless for your opponent, at which stage they will usually just give up and let you have your way. The best way to do this is to point out a minor error they made in their speech, or ridicule something completely unrelated about them.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: You need to go over they're, and apologize to your brother for feeding him glue.
[You]: You idiot, their's no apostrophe in that kind of "there."

Example 2:
[Opponent]: Don't force feed your brother non-edible substances. It's simple.
[You]: What, like you've never made a mistake in your whole life?

4. Threaten Physical Attack

When the argument just isn't going your way, one last-ditch thing you can do is intimidate your opponent with your sheer physical advantage. If no such advantage exists, you can either assume that they won't notice (they probably won't), or go for some low but devastatingly effective attack.

Example 1:
[You]: I just want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Example 2:
[You]: Stop talking, or I'll elbow you where it counts.

5. Get the Last Word

This is the true secret to winning an argument. How do you think Lincoln beat Douglass at all those debates? Even if he was getting his butt handed to him at each clash, he walked away with WAY more dignity at the end just by being the last one to talk.

I felt like I needed a picture.

This can be accomplished by either spewing one final remark and then declaring the argument over, or simply by muttering under your breath after they believe they have won.

Example 1:
[You]: I don't care what you think, I'm going to do whatever I want, the end.

Example 2:
[Opponent]:
[You]: (whispering) ...such an idiot.

I'm too lazy right now to write a clever ending paragraph, the end.

Letter to my Sister

2008-11-27T12:54:00.001-07:00

I made a video. It is not a Vlog. But it is a video. And you should watch it. For those of you handicapped by BYU filters, the URL is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3EIlJ6niEY

For the rest of you,

A Blog First

2008-11-25T14:46:00.002-07:00

When I first began blogging, I never thought it would come to this. Personal attacks on specific people were simply not on the list of things to blog about. With the exception of Miley Cyrus, because she isn't a person.

So here's the first recorded incident in history. It was brought on by the fact that Joshua entered my account sometime between last time I posted (last night at around 11:00) and when I got home from school today (about 2:30) and deleted the post. Why? Because it was full of snide (and devastatingly witty) asides that pointed quite obviously at him. And unfortunately, I have no way of recovering said post.

So here's the deal:

Joshua, I am talking directly to you now. If you ever touch my blog again in any way except for a harmless comment, I will hunt you down. I will disembowel you with a spatula. This is not an idle threat.

It will find you.

For the rest of you, I will try and re-create the post from last time, but like saving a JPEG too many times, some quality will be lost. I apologize for this, and promise to keep my account more secure from now on.

If any of my readers have verbal abuse to hurl at younger brothers, feel free to do so in the comments section.

Vlogging. Yea or Nay?

2008-11-19T17:14:00.003-07:00

I was recently seized upon by sudden and unexplainable urge to try Vlogging. What inspired me? A single YouTube video that I stumbled accross. I won't link to it because it's totally irrelevant, but essentially, it was the first and only post on a Vlog I've ever seen that wasn't a teenager trying to be deep, and adult trying to be deep, a teenager playing some piece of crap music they composed, or and adult playing some piece of crap music they composed.

But fear not - my theory that all Vloggers are annoying losers is intact. Every other entry by this particular Vlogger fit into one of the above mentioned categories.

Since equipment is not an issue, I will list the pros and cons of Vlogging, then hold a poll to decide for me.

Pros:

-I can go down in history as the first non-obnoxious Vlogger. I strongly suspect there will be trophies involved.

This, only bigger

-It's easier for me to show rather than telling with video. This will delight creative writing teachers across the world.
-I could gain up to 4 viewers if I start uploading videos to YouTube. And maybe some of them won't even be other Vloggers that only comment because they want me to go watch their videos and comment too.
-It will motivate me to shave.
-I have an excuse to discriminate against people who are sitting behind really paranoid internet blockers.

Cons:

-There is a chance I will lose all of my self respect. I will ask now, in advance: if I ever include a guitar or any awkward poetry in my Vlog, please hire a hit man to have me assassinated. And tell them to make it look like an accident.

Then again, she is pure unadornment

-Editing movies takes a lot of time. And hard drive space.
-What if I forget to shave?

Well. I don't know about you, but I see more pros than cons. But! Comment. Cast your ballot. I await your opinions.

Rare Talents that I Have

2008-11-11T14:58:00.003-07:00

Well it had to happen eventually. After all, the real reason I established this blog was so that eventually, I could go on a spiel about how talented I was. But this isn't just any old "I can play clarinet, recite Twilight cover to cover, and write awkward poetry" type list. No, these are talents I find in myself that very few other people in this world have. Mostly famous people. So without further ado,

#1. Simultaneously Planning and Filming the Same Movie

My Example: 23

It takes some wonderful improvisation skills to make up a movie as you go. Honestly, I'm not sure how I do it. And with such wonderful results too. Some people make movies out of books. But the true worth of a movie is proven when it's good enough to make a book out of the movie. Not that any book-of-a-movie could really capture the awesomeness of 23 anyway. And the publishers sent it back.

You could have been rich men!

Celebrity with the same talent:

Michael Bay

#2. Wasting Copious Amounts of Time

My Example:

Star Wars Kid II?
Sounds like a great movie.

I consider it particularly impressive that I spent a good 2 hours making this. And for what possible purpose, you ask? Do I, perhaps want to enjoy the kind of internet fame that our jiggly friend experienced? Well, no. The main reason is because I was bored.

Celebrity with the same talent:

Michael Bay
#3. Making Terrible Movies

Yeah. Michael Bay.

#4. Ruthlessly Mocking People Who Think they're Edgy

My example: You're reading it.

Are you 18? Do you have little or no knowlege about the issues that we faced during the presidential elections? You probably voted for Obama, didn't you?

"Because my parents are Republicans"

You realized that Obama was the candidate of choice for the young voter who knew nothing about politics. Also, he's black, so that makes him cooler.

My point? You're not edgy.

Celebrity with the same talent:
None. In this, I am unequaled.

If you like mocking people who are sadly mistaken about their own edginess, feel free to do so in the comments section.

The Field Guide to Utah Dance People Types

2008-11-02T17:52:00.005-07:00

Dances in Utah can be extremely interesting places to be. But beware, there are several dangerous life-forms that can be present at these dances. Here is a field guide to the types of people native to Utah dances, whether they are held by the school, your stake, or your college ward.

#1. The guy that doesn't dance

Please stop jumping up and down

General Info:
Usually somewhere between the age of 14 and 16 (though exceptions are not terribly uncommon), this is the guy who makes you wonder why he's even at a dance. He'll just stand there awkwardly whenever a fast song is playing, usually along a wall, sometimes talking to his friends to distract everyone from the fact that he's not actually dancing.

Behavior:
Occasionally, he will go into the middle of a group to jump up and down with one hand in the air. Watch for this on songs such as Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, All the Small Things by Blink-182, or virtually anything by Good Charlotte. Also, he will sometimes dance with a girl when a slow song comes on.

Potential Dangers:
If you dance with him during a slow song, be prepared to have your feet stepped on repeatedly.

#2. The skank

Pictured: 2 skanks, 1 wannabe skank

General Info:
This girl can be anywhere from 14 to 22 years old. She usually views herself as rebellious and a party animal, and feels the need to make sure everyone else knows she's a rebellious party animal by dressing like a whore.

Behavior:
This girl thrives on rap music (which explains the increasing population), because it gives her opportunities to show everyone how rebellious she is by dirty dancing, such as grinding and "getting low."

Potential Dangers:
Be careful around her unless you want to be ridiculed for being a "goody two-shoes." Also, many skanks have extremely shrill laughs that can wreak havoc with human ear canals.

#3. The gangsta black guy

Picture taken in Lehi

General Info:
This rare specimen isn't found at every Utah dance, but most have one or two. The black guy at the dance is good at dancing and not afraid to let everyone know. Like the skank, he thrives on rap.

Behavior:
The main identifying behavior of this species is his attraction to both skanks, and dance circles (which are often formed by guys who won't dance to focus the attention to somewhere besides themselves). The black guy will go into this circle during a rap song and nearly always breakdance.

Potential Dangers:
Don't do anything that might anger a black guy, as he can probably best you in physical combat. If you are challenged to a fight, avoid making eye contact, back away slowly, and leave the dance.

#4. The white guy who thinks he's a gangsta black guy

Dude! People here don't
even dance! That's wack!

General Info:
As rap became popular in Utah, many white males saw how effective breakdancing was at attracting a potential mate. This evolved a large group of whites that fooled themselves into thinking they could breakdance.

Behavior:
Without fail, members of this fascinating sub-species tend to congregate in dance circles. They love the attention they get from the uneducated masses. One legendary "wangster" (who will remain unnamed) broke the record for "number of times entered into a single circle to breakdance," a record that still stands today, and is all the more impressive because he was serious, not just making fun of himself.

Potential Dangers:
This species has been known to challenge black guys to breakdance competitions. If you are black, and get challenged by a wangster, don't panic. Black people have a 99.8% win rate against white people.

#5. The ballroom couple

These guys, only at a high
school dance instead of
a competition

General Info:
The defining feature of the ballroom couple is their interesting symbiosis at dances. A lone ballroom dancer has never been identified at a dance, so scientists are forced to assume they cannot be separated for more than about 30 minutes without dying.

Behavior:
These species are extremely easy to identify during slow songs. Look for a couple that seems to be romantically involved, and utilizing a ridiculous number of twirls and dips in their dancing.. The commonly accepted reason for this is their deeply ingrained need for attention, which is rarely satisfied by society in daily life.

Potential Dangers:
Ballroom dancers are mostly harmless and rarely aggressive. However, there are nearly 100 reported cases of extreme psychological damage due to seeing a guy in tight black shiny leather pants.

Utah dances are places that can be full of wonder, but quite dangerous for the uneducated traveler. Keep this field guide with you at all times when at a dance, however, and you should be protected from any danger. Available in hardcover and paperback form for $100.00 USD. Call 1-800-SAFE-DANCE-NOW. Must be 18 or older to order.

4 Inventions Earth has yet to Recover from

2008-10-30T17:08:00.005-06:00

Invention is born of necessity, or so goes the saying. While this holds true for inventions like cars, velcro, and liposuction, inventions like the ones on this list make me wonder how much LSD the geniuses (or genii, if you happen to be Mr. Vawdrey) responsible for these monstrosities ingested before "seeing" their necessity.

#4. The "Buddy Throw"

This cute little blanket is there to help you cope when you're separated from that important stick-figure in your life. Buddy here reminds you perfectly of his or her welcoming 6-foot-long arm and complete lack of hair. If you're really feeling lonely, you can even sit on his or her lap. Just be careful... it's probably trying to put its arm around whoever is sitting next to you.

About as good an idea as...
Microwaving magnesium

#3. Vending Machine Urban Camoflauge

Can you pick out the human in this group? Here's a hint: it's the wrinkly one. While some type of urban camoflauge will be useful for when China finally decides to go to war with the US, cloth isn't the most convincing metal-imitator. And the inventors of this apparently need a lesson in basic vending machine anatomy. Namely that vending machines don't have feet.

About as good an idea as...
Helping Miley Cyrus become the head of the Church of Scientology

#2. USB Vacuum Cleaner

Tired of those annoying manageably-sized messes within a three foot radius of your computer? I imagine that the inventor of this beauty was too. And by shelling out about $50.00, you too can avoid sweeping those Dorito crumbs off of your mouse pad. Or, at least you would be able to if this vacuum's power was measured in horsepower instead of crippled-pygmy-turtle power.

About as good an idea as...
Soymilk

#1. The Face-Mounted Mirror

Some people just never tire of their own reflections. If you are one of those people, you might be wondering why this is on the "stupid inventions" list - kind of like everyone around you is wondering whether or not the jail time for aggravated assault is a fair price to pay to shoot you in the kneecaps. Well, at least they won't be able to sneak up on you from behind.

About as good an idea as...
Giving Chuck Norris a noogie

Have you ever seen a truly horrendous invention? Share it with the world* in the comments box!

*The phrase "the world" may or may not refer to the six readers of this blog.

A Crusade Against Miley Cyrus

2008-10-26T22:15:00.003-06:00

Brethren and sistren in arms! Today marks the beginning of a new era! An era where terrible music(?) is ostracized! An era where not every teenage girl of subaverage intelligence worships Hannah Montana! An era of prosperity! For today, we begin our campaign to strip the Queen of Evil, Miley Cyrus herself, off of her polished woodland-creature-skull throne!

The wheels of history are only moved by blood! Since physically assassinating people is illegal, however, the next best thing is a smear campaign! But I do not do my wondrous plan justice - a smear campaign implies slander and lies. Our public denouncement of Miley Cyrus will be 100% honest!

In an effort to compile a large armory of ammunition for us to use in the coming conflict, I present:

4 Reasons To Hate the Existence of Miley Cyrus

#1 - She Belongs to the Disney Channel

How many others have we seen corrupted by Disney?

Lindsay Lohan - drug addict

Britney Spears - totally creepy

Hilary Duff - if MySpace could fit in one person, it would be Hilary Duff

Christy Romano - thinks she can sing

Kim Possible - poor girl got turned into a freakin' cartoon!

What do all these girls have in common? They were once incredibly popular, and then became the butt of many jokes.

#2. She Invaded YouTube

Yes, our beloved YouTube has been poisoned by the influence of this monster. We will not stand for this!

If you didn't watch that (which I would totally understand), let me sum it up for you. Miley and her obnoxious friend Mandy run around screaming at the top of their voices for no discernible reason. This continues for the eight minute duration of the video. But my point? IT'S ON YOUTUBE! Apparently public television wasn't enough for Miley and she wanted to shunt her bass voice on those souls lucky enough NOT to watch the Disney Channel as well.

But the true horror of the video only comes when you play it backwards. Similar to how "Revolution" repeats "Turn me on, dead man" over and over again, when reversed, this video shows Miley murder an orphan in cold blood, and then proceed to punch a kitten in the throat 16 times.

On a related note, if anyone wants to be severely creeped out, watch the backwards Revolution video with white text on black saying what the song says backwards on YouTube. Late at night. With nobody else there. *shudder*

#3. She Hates Children

Which is why she is trying to deafen them all with her incessant screeching, be it on TV, concerts, or YouTube.

#4. She Endorses Satanism and All its Practices

Shh.... eat babies.

I hope this post has incited those of you unaware of the extent of this menace to society's crimes. Remember - only with strength and each other can we remove this awful tumor from the minds of the general public. Feel free to insert other heinous crimes Cyrus has committed in the comments box. These should be similar to Chuck Norris jokes. Only, you know, bad.

How to Actually MAKE a Stop-Motion Movie (on a Mac, of course)

2008-10-25T13:32:00.004-06:00

So apparently my mini-guide last post wasn't quite enough. Also, I was pleasantly surprised that more of my 5 readers than I thought are Mac users. It makes me feel like my blog attracts a classy crowd.

Here is a more complete guide to making a stop-motion video, via iPhoto and iMovie. Also, disregard that deadline I randomly set. You can still make a movie and turn it in. Also, most of these pics are thumbnails, so click to enlarge.

Step 1: Take your camera out of your bag. Set your resolution to the lowest your camera will go. Take many, many, many pictures.

Step 2: Upload photos into their own album on iPhoto.

Step 3: Make a new project in iMovie. Name it whatever you want your video to be called. Some questions to ask yourself when composing a name are, "Does this name make sense?" "Does this name have anything to do with the movie?" and "Will this name convey the impression I was on Acid when I wrote it?"

Step 4: Go to the "Media" tab, and make sure it's displaying Photos instead of Music. Select your album.

Step 5: Highlight all the photos in your album. The easiest way to accomplish this is to click the first one, then scroll down to the last one and shift-click it, but some people prefer the archaic method of clicking every single one. Apparently it affords a greater sense of satisfaction after you've worn out your mouse clicking 362 separate pictures. Once you have them highlighted, go to the little box that popped up when you selected one. Set the top to 1:00. This will turn off the Ken Burns effect (slow zooming in and panning). The bottom slider should go ALL THE WAY DOWN. The number should be 0:03. This means 0 seconds and 3 frames.

Step 6: Press Apply. This will put all the pictures in the album into the timeline, pre-formatted to 3 frames each. Then again, if all those college relaxation hours are driving you crazy, you could spend a little extra time (possibly less than a fortnight) dragging every single photo down to size by hand.

Step 7: File>Export to QuickTime. Compress for CD-ROM. Upload to YouTube. Comment a link. Congratulations!

Optional: If you want to add music to your movie, go back to the Media tab, but this time make sure "Music" is selected. Pick a movie from iTunes and drag it below the video timeline (there are 3 timelines - 1 video and 2 audio). If you don't want your video to be 30 seconds of movie + the rest of the song playing to a very interesting black screen, click on the big purple thing in the timeline (it will get a little darker when you select it), drag the little pointer just above the video timeline to the end of the video, and press Cmd+T. This will separate your audio. Then select the audio you don't need and delete it.

Stop-Motion Contest!

2008-10-14T14:42:00.002-06:00

For those uneducated int he ways of movie-making, stop-motion is a way to make movies without actually having a video camera. All claymation is stop-motion, for example. Since the majority of people who read my blog are college students for whatever reason, I address this challenge to you primarily: take some of that extra time you have lying around everywhere and use it to make a Stop-Motion movie, which can be accomplished with just a digital camera. I repeat, a video camera is not required.

Here are detailed instructions on how to make a stop-motion movie:

Step 1: Decide what your movie will be about. Don't make the mistake that I made in 9th grade, namely beginning filming without the slightest idea of a plot. You'll end up with something like 23.

Step 2: Find your digital camera. You have like 18 square feet of room in your dorm, it can't be that hard.

Step 3: Set your resolution to a lower setting than standard - I don't know how to do this for everyone's specific camera, but it shouldn't be too difficult. The reason for this is that video frames go by so fast that your eye doesn't have time to digest details of high-resolution anyway. You'll save space on your card and computer.

Step 4: Photograph every single frame of your movie. It's kind of a pain, but that's why stop-motion movies are usually so short. The less you move between shots, the smoother your movie will appear, but also the longer it will take. Regular video is just over 25 frames per second, so if you're doing like 50 or something, you can definitely tone it down.

Step 5 (optional): Edit your photos to increase lightness or fix whatever problems you had. Also, you can add special effects a lot more easily in stop-motion because there are fewer frames to rotoscope.

Step 6: Put all of your pictures into a video editing program in order. I used iMovie; ~~sinners~~ Windows users can use Windows Movie Maker. Each of your photos should be displayed for about 1/10th of a second. Less if you have a lot of frames, more if you don't have so many. Just play around with it until it looks like a movie rather than a slideshow, but you can still tell what's going on.

Step 7: Both iMovie and Windows Movie Maker can export this into an actual movie instead of a collection of pictures. Aim for a smaller file size when exporting (in iMovie, if you export to Quicktime using CD-ROM compression, your file size will be perfect. Can't help the ~~sinners~~ Windows users on that).

Step 8: Upload your video to YouTube. If you don't have a YouTube account, make one! To submit your entry, put a link to it in the comments box. I'll make another post after the deadline with all your videos in it.

The deadline is October 19th, so get crackin'!

Here's my entry, by the way. I made it when I was in 8th grade with some of my friends. Yesterday I stumbled accross it and added some sound effects. You guys can't really hope to compete with its awesomeness, so I'll let somebody else have 1st place. Mine can just be considered Ruler of All Things Stop Motion.

Adventures of a Super Super Super (x50) Senior

2008-10-03T17:34:00.003-06:00

There was once a boy called Andrew. He was pretty much a nerd, and really into photography for his school paper. One day, on a field trip or something, he was bitten by a bio-engineered super spider. The poison from the bite gave him the gift of eternal youth. He was forever frozen as a senior in High School. Coincidentally, he wasn't the greatest student academically, so he failed his graduating year 50 times. These are the tales of...

Faster than a speeding Freshman! More powerful than a Varsity Lineman! Can leap small Sophomores in a single bound! These phrases all describe Super Senior. By day, an ordinary high school student. By night, an ordinary high school student, only asleep! These are notable years of his life. Because he's the hero Highland deserves, but not the one they need right now. The hero. The Protector. The LP Knight.

1952

This was the first year of his disease. He may have looked pretty slick, but trust me. He was a nerd.

1954

Adopting somewhat of a "Dax Flame" look, Super Senior realized something was wrong when he didn't appear to have aged at all since the first time he failed high school.

1968

After 14 years of being a senior, Andrew thought he could make people believe he was older if he grew his hair out.

1970

This year, Super Senior tried to trick his fellow students into believing he was a professor. This ruse lasted about eight minutes.

1974

Andrew spent a whole year trying to dance his problems away. While he became a hero on the floor, he failed to graduate.

1976

I don't get the turtleneck either. What the heck?

1986

Influenced by people such as Michael Jackson (note the hairstyle), Super Senior began to accept his fate. After all, Michael Jackson had an aging problem too, and he was still cool.

1990

Andrew became one of Nirvana's first fans.

1998

Instead of trying to drink his life away, Super Senior went for the tastier option of eating his life away, a la Big Mac.

2008

What does the future hold for Andrew? Will he ever be normal? Will he ever pass his classes in high school? The world may never know.

Things That Inspire Me

2008-09-30T22:46:00.005-06:00

I'm too tired to come up with a witty introduction paragraph right now (it's WAY past my bedtime), so we'll just jump right into the list.

Funny People
Funny people inspire me to be funny as well. However, I don't always agree with people on what actually is funny. For instance:

Inspirational

Almost as funny as
a terminal illness

I don't care how much you guys love Shrek. It's retarded.

Awesome People
I'll just use Brian Carey as an example here, because he'll probably never read my blog. He's awesome, funny, great musician, great leader, chick magnet, and best of all, not a total loser. As much as it inspires me when awesome people like that get ahead in life, it makes me just as angry when total jerks get all the chicks. Enjoy it while you can - but I see your future.

"Get to McMinimum Waging!"

Genious Cleverness
The above phrase probably didn't make sense to anyone, so I'll try to explain it. Ever seen something (a video, a picture, a comeback) that just makes you want to explode with awesomeness? So cool that you wish everyone you know could know about it and appreciate it's sheer intestine-obliterating coolness? That's what I'm talking about. I strive to create those types of moments.

Dating
Dating has inspired me to keep things more clean. For instance, after feeling mildly embarrassed about carting my group for Homecoming around in my ridiculously messy car for the day date, I decided to spend a couple of hours and really clean it. Now that it's clean, I'll be keeping it that way. If only this wisdom had affected my motivation to keep my room clean as well. You know, just in case something like this happened. (click to enlarge)

Not pictured: Underwear anywhere
in sight (thankfully). Yeah, I'll go to
Sadies with you.

That about wraps it up for today's show. Until next time, keep your room clean!

Three Rules for Better Writing

2008-09-26T16:28:00.007-06:00

I was assigned in my english class (taught by everyone's favorite teacher, Gardner) a literary analysis on a novel we just finished. Now, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the concepts behind a really good paper (thank you, Woolsey), but that day I learned a thing or two. We were given time to begin work on our rough draft in the writing lab, which translates approximately to "edit Wikipedia so it says that Ted Nugent was born in Highland" in my somewhat more developed dialect of English. I looked over for a moment, and noticed that my friend (uneducated in Andrewese, so obviously misunderstanding Garder's instructions) had started his paper with an impressive title. Earlier that period, we had been urged to choose a more interesting title for our paper, and his example really demonstrated good writing techniques. So, without further ado, I present three rules for better writing.

#1. The Thesaurus Makes You Look Smarter
Any teacher who ever told you that this was a dangerous tool, due to the possibility of using words in the wrong context, was obviously a quack. The thesaurus transforms a boring, cookie cutter title such as

into something MUCH more eye-popping.

Much better! If you're unfortunate enough not to have Microsoft Word on your computer, please proceed to catch up with the rest of the world. Go on, nobody's waiting.

#2. A Thesis is Optional

I know all your teachers probably never shut up about how important your thesis statement is. But this thesis-based system of organization is really starting to get outdated. A much more modern idea on how to organize your paper is known simply as "Utter Chaos." If you want to be original with your paper and avoid sounding like everyone else in your class, check out the details here. As a matter of fact, this "Utter Chaos" principle can be applied in a myriad of ways. For example, this girl demonstrates its fantastic effects when organizing notes in a piece of music.

#3. Don't Bore Your Readers

A paper should really be no longer than one page. Think of the Gettysburg Address - written on a train ride to the place where Abraham Lincoln was to deliver it. This paper is still nationally renowned today! The Declaration of Independence?

One page.

Also, the Constitution.

These great documents are perfect examples of being concise. But you would be hard-pressed to find any longer articles that have really made a difference in the world.

So until next time, remember these three golden rules and watch your papers get A's (and sometimes these little upside-down L's with an extra dash that I can only assume are better than an A) left and write! (Pun may or may not have been 100% intentional).

Chuck Norris: More Man than a Keg of Testosterone

2008-09-03T22:00:00.004-06:00

For those of you unfamiliar with my Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration, I have a Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration. It started in 8th grade. My young, innocent, carefree self was sitting in Geometry (taught by none other than Dolores Umbridge herself), when I heard the name "Chuck Norris" slip out casually from ~~a friend~~ somebody sitting next to me. (At that point in my life, I was too socially inept to have what others called "friends.") Needless to say, I perked up immediately. Was this the same Chuck Norris that I had seen portrayed as Walker, Texas Ranger countless times on Hallmark Channel? It had to be.

Director: Chuck Norris. Starring: Chuck Norris. Producer:
Chuck Norris. Stunt Double: Preposterous!

My suspicions were only confirmed when, shortly thereafter, I heard a reference to his world famous Roundhouse Kick. With this kick, Walker (and therefore Chuck Norris) had downed, nay, slain numberless concourses of cookie-cutter foes. One could go so far as to call it his trademark, although experts argue that his beard fits the same description.

That day, my love for Chuck Norris jokes was born. I've read every single one that's ever been written on the internet, and been reduced to making up my own. But for those of you who haven't yet experienced the magic, a google search of "Chuck Norris Jokes" will steer you in the right direction. Be warned, not all Chuck Norris jokes are G-rated. To put it in another way, if there are words in a joke that you don't understand, a Google Image Search would NOT be an ideal next step.

So what makes up this legend of a man? Well let's break it down and find out.

History: Chuck Norris was born before his parents were, so the date is currently disputed. He has been alive for many centuries. In fact, he should have died by now, but Death hasn't gotten up the nerve to tell him yet. His first role in a big movie was to get the crap beat out of him by Bruce Lee. Although, if you want to be technical, he never actually appeared in the film. A stunt double was used for the scene in question, so as to avoid breaking Bruce Lee's toes, foot, leg, and vertebrae. This is one of two times Chuck Norris uses stunt doubles, the other being for crying scenes. Chuck Norris doesn't cry, which is a shame, because his tears are the only known cure for cancer, AIDS, and aging.

The high point in this young
stunt-double's career

Martial Arts Training: Taking a break from his successful acting career, Norris inexplicably decided to study Martial Arts. Although entirely unnecessary (Japan gave Chuck Norris a black belt in every martial art form in existence shortly after they became a country), this endeavor gave birth to one of the most, if not THE most famous aspect of Chuck Norrism: the Roundhouse Kick. The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (composed entirely from the element Chuckitanium) is the most powerful entity known to man thus far. When Chuck Norris misses you with a Roundhouse Kick, you still die, as does everyone else in the room. Similarly, if you have dream about Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicking you, you die. Perhaps the most impressive feature of his Roundhouse Kick, however, is the fact that it can be seen from space.

"In other news, it appears Chuck Norris
has decided to stand in off the coast
of Florida and Roundhouse kick
a dolphin."

Franchising: Eventually, people realized that there was a lot of money to be made on Chuck Norris paraphernalia. Already thriving on the money he earns from selling his urine as "Red Bull," Norris felt it was his chance to contribute to the world economy. The selection of Chuck Norris merchandise grows every day, and I'm proud to say I've contributed to the market by purchasing one of my very own T-shirts.

A much improved version
of the popular "I do all
my own stunts"
T-shirt

So I want to try something new. In the comments, write whatever you want to about how awesome Chuck Norris is, and THEN submit a joke of your own invention! The winner will get the worldwide notoriety of being publicly recognized in my blog next time I do a post. Also, don't try to slip in jokes that someone else wrote, or that you found on the internet. I promise you I've heard it before. And when somebody inevitably thinks I can't have read all the Chuck Norris jokes and submits one anyway, they will be publicly shamed on my blog, which is akin to being publicly shamed in the Olympics in terms of the audience that will see it.

Until next time, happy Chuck Norris day! (and tomorrow, and the next day...)

23 Returns

2008-08-27T15:57:00.002-06:00

So since about 1% of you know what this blog is going to be about from the title, I'll give a little explanation. And since I feel like it, it will be in biblical form.

1 And it came to pass that in the days of the king Hill there came a boy unto the Student Council.
2 And lo, this boy was a nerd, therefore he was the tech support officer.
3 And it came to pass that Schmidtty did speak for all the people of the land when he did say that video announcements sucked and were boring, for behold, nobody watched them.
4 And thus it was that Schmidtty told the boy (his name being Andrew of Broekhuijsen) to make video announcements interesting to watch.
5 And Andrew and his friends labored much in the land, and behold, 23 was born. And there was much rejoicing, for everybody throughout the land thought it owned all.
6 But alas, during the filming of the finale, the retarded camera battery waxed weak, as a 7th grader. And thus it was that the film captured really crappily and became un-editable.
7 And because of this, the finale did fail to become aired. And there was weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth, for behold, there was much sorrow and lamentation throughout the land.
8 And it came to pass that Andrew couldn't get his friends schedules to work out well enough to go back and film it. And thus did the 2006th and 2007th year pass away.

So finally, two years after it was supposed to come out, people have time to film. The finale is in production and I'll post a promo up here as soon as I get one done.

And since I'm so nice, I'll embed the ones we did finish and air back in 9th grade here. #1 got deleted somehow but it was pretty insignificant anyway, so yeah.

Episodes 2-6 (in order) follow. Notice the ridiculously long disclaimer at the beginning of episode 4. This was because the librarian got all PO'd at us after episode 3. Also notice the evolution of the titles as I got less and less lazy with my movie making:

And the special 23/Pokémon music video! Yeah, I'm that cool.

So now that you've all had that profound cinema experience, you can be excited for the finale. I'll keep everyone posted.

These Shoes RULE!

2008-08-25T15:32:00.005-06:00

So as all of you know, due to your feverish stalking of me after reading my first few blog posts, I've been wanting a pair of bowling shoes for quite some time now. Not because I'm the next Danny Wiseman,

I didn't know who he was prior to this post either.

but because I wanted to wear them as a fashion statement. Unfortunately, I didn't know how intensely hard it was to get ahold of such a pair of shoes. Initially, I thought a quick phone call to the bowling alley would solve it. Here's the actual transcript of the phone call, because I take transcripts of all my phone calls:

Me: Hello, do you guys sell your rental shoes?
Jack & Jill's: No, kid, you'll shoot your eye out!
Me: For shame.

Apparently it's illegal to sell bowling rental shoes ~~to a minor~~ to regular civilians because if you enter an alley, people could think they were stolen. I understand the rationale behind that, because I can't think of anything I would rather steal from a bowling alley than shoes that have been worn by 150 people other than myself. Except maybe some used kleenexes out of the trash can.

So after this minor setback, I stumbled upon the bowling black market.

The bowling black market is a little-known,
yet extremely lucrative business. Note the
expensive suits worn by these crime lords.

Long story short, I got my shoes any way I had to. There's a little site out there for those who are willing to look to find it called illegalbowlingshoes.com. They charged only $30 for the shoes, shipped it free (albeit from an unknown location), and didn't mess up my order. Little did I know that they had a trick up their sleeves. The first thing I noticed when I opened my shoes was this:

That's English for "illegal."

Yes, they say "rental" on them in big, obvious letters. I guess that's the price I pay for style.

Now there are benefits to having these shoes. Contrary to what you might think, I was not immediately tased on the streets and arrested by the fuzz the minute I walked outdoors. In fact, I wore these shoes bowling on Saturday, and didn't have to rent any. They're already paying for themselves! Another bonus is they really seem to focus my bowling skills. I bowled a 264 that night* thanks to these shoes.

*May or may not be a shameless lie

Finally, last but not least, these shoes are perfect for moonwalking on almost any surface. Those of you who have been bowling have probably noticed the lack of traction on the bottom of these shoes. This is on purpose, presumably to both promote hilarious slips and falls on the lanes, and probably to help you bowl better or something, too. But Michael Jackson would be proud of the use I've put these beauties to.

Disclaimer: these shoes do not grant
the wearer the ability to moonwalk.

Essentials of EFY

2008-08-11T17:06:00.002-06:00

Before I begin, I'll just inform you all that due to the large nature of these pictures, and the unable-to-handle-large-pictures nature of this blog, I've linked all of the pics to their larger counterparts. To blow a pic up, just click on it.

So I actually went to EFY in the third week of June, but I figured I might as well write a post about it. After all, I didn't even have a blog when I went so it's not like I had my chance and blew it. The following things are the neccesary ingredients in any successful EFY. Trust me, I'm an expert. I've been one whole time.

1. Counselors

Your counselors have to be awesome and zany. Yes, I just used the word "zany." If they are boring like some of the other companies' counselors, then your EFY experience is doomed to fail. Bad counselors at EFY are like snakes on a plane: neither of them make any sense.

Prime example: My counselor, Tyrell. When we guys first saw the note on our dorm door introducing our counselor as Tyrell, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who pictured a huge black dude.

Not Tyrell

When he actually entered the room, the impression I got was... not quite what I expected.

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica!

Yeah. Seriously. Coolest counselor since sliced bread.

2. Hot Babes

No EFY is complete without them. Don't really need to put a lot more text in the section because the following picture pretty much speaks for itself.

Pictured: Virtue

3. Sizzling Man-Hunks of Future Missionaries

Again, the picture basically speaks for itself.

"Hey baby, wanna hold the Priesthood?"

4. Foreigners

No, I'm not talking about the band (although that would make a pretty sick EFY too, I'm sure). But we had a kid from London, who we referred to as "London," and two kids from Australia, who we referred to as "the Aussies." Funny stuff that we as Americans can laugh at: they called napkins "serviettes," they had never had chocolate milk or corn dogs, and the Aussies liked something they called Vegemite.* Haha!

*May or may not cause violent hemorrhaging

5. Food

Ok so we ate like pigs at EFY. Wednesday night was pizza night and we ordered two 23" pizzas. And ate almost all of it. Nine guys.

That guy is 6'6"

But it seems like a shame not to mention how much soda we drank on Wednesday.

*burp*

So that pretty much sums up everything you need to make your EFY rock beyond belief. Until next time, keep pretending your EFY was anywhere near as cool as mine.

Things that REALLY Bother Me

2008-08-07T11:13:00.003-06:00

Some call them pet peeves. But mine are just too numerous to refer to them as that, so I just call them things that REALLY bother me. Here we go:

5. Ridiculously melodramatic MySpace girls

"OMG he doesnt even kno i exist!!!11!1shift+111!!eleven"

Ok, so who do they think they're kidding? Sometimes I wonder if they know that they're being annoying and immature or if they honestly believe what they're saying. They say 94% of all emos are just posing for attention, and that most of them aren't really all depressed or anything.* If I could give one message to all of these type of girls it would be: You're annoying. Stop being so annoying. And nobody likes your black and white pic.

*Fact may or may not be made up.

4. When my little brother thinks he won the argument and outwit me, but really he didn't and he's just being an idiot, and I'm just gearing up to kick his trash, but then my parents get home, and I can't do anything to him or he'll start crying to get me busted

Yeah this one doesn't need a lot of explanation. I think the title pretty much captures it there.

3. People mispronouncing words

Don't get me wrong here. It wouldn't bother me so much if after I corrected them they would just accept it and move on with their day. But when they insist that their incorrect pronunciation is, in fact, the right way to say it, THAT'S what kills me. Specific examples of words that are terrible:

Caramel. Pronounced CAR-mull, NOT CARE-uh-MELL
SoBe. Pronounced SOH-bee or SOH-bay, but NOT SOBE
Pillow. Pronounced PILL-oh, NOT PELL-oh
Drown. Not "Drownd." What are you, 4 years old?

Also related to this is when people correct me when I'm the one that's correct.

2. Losers (primarily online) who argue about the most homosexual things to argue about

I don't know how many times I've seen these huge flame wars under YouTube videos about the gayest things imagineable. A person gets one little fact wrong in a comment, or maybe they don't, but some obnoxious tool is certain that they must save all the YouTubers from these heinous lies, nay, this heresy. The two argue about it in a series of comments that goes down to the bottom of the page and beyond, usually starting as a legitimate (however pointless) argument, but degrading into each person making ridiculous assumptions about the other's character, age, and mother. Shortly thereafter, the entire infrastructure of the conversation collapses into a fit of calling each other "fag."

Related to these arguments is people bragging online. Somebody could put up this freakin' awesome guitar solo (for example) on YouTube, but it won't be up for 10 minutes before some deck comes along and leaves a comment about how much better he is at guitar than the person featured in the video, or pointing out all the video's miniscule technical mistakes.

1. Picky people at the restaurant where I work

Yeah, so apparently some people think they deserve special treatment when it comes to fast food. When I'm working the grill at Iceberg and I get a burger on screen that has some special orders, (no cheese, etc.) that's fine, if slightly annoying. Some poeple don't like cheese. But when I put the order out, and it gets SENT BACK without me having made any mistakes, that really makes me want to spit in their food (not that I would ever do that - employees are on camera 100% of the time). Here's an example of something that actually happened to me recently:

Some lady orders a combo with fries. I make her burger, put some fries in the little cardboard things that hold them, send it out and someone in front calls her number for her to pick it up. These were perfectly good fries. They had been out of the deep fryer and under the heat lamp for maybe five minutes max. But 10 minutes later, the twit comes back up complaining that her fries "aren't fresh enough." Now I'm no fry connoisseur, but I'm pretty sure you can't tell the difference between 1-minute-old fries and 5-minute-old fries.

If you can see a difference, please never come to Iceberg

That wraps it up for today. If any of you have similar things that really bother you, feel free to post a comment.

Man vs Wild

2008-08-05T11:16:00.000-06:00

Ok - so for those of you who haven't seen Man vs Wild, it's a survival show on the Discovery Channel starring this British guy called Bear Grylls.

Not quite

Each episode, Bear is dropped (usually by means of him jumping out of a helicopter after pretending to be scared to do so) into the middle of nowhere, and has a week to find his way back to civilization. He must follow certain rules:

Rule 1: Bear is only allowed a knife, a flint, and the clothes on his back, plus some equipment depending on the area he's in (skis when he was in Alaska, etc.).

Rule 2: Bear can't just stay in one spot and wait to be rescued - he has to be moving throughout the show and demonstrating survival techniques along the way.

Rule 3: Bear must ruin his knife each episode by using it to do such things as hitting it with a rock to cut down a tree. Yes, I said Bear Grylls cuts down trees with pocketknives.

Good work, Bear

Rule 4: Bear must eat something completely disgusting during the course of each episode. Bonus points are awarded for cooking it in an equally disgusting way, or eating food raw that really needs to be cooked.

"I could really use some mayonnaise."

Rule 5: Bear's shirt comes off every episode. This is non-negotiable.

Bear in Alaska. Seriously.

Rule 6: Bear must do several things that look completely unnecessary, but then explain why they are, in fact, necessary by telling an extremely vague story. Example: "What I can't stress enough is the importance of insulation underneath you to sleep on. Just last year, a mother and her daughter were camping out in this rainforest. When they arrived at their campsite, they put down tents without insulation underneath. Twelve minutes later, both were dead."

Hopefully, at the end of the episode, we get a deep, thoughtful monologue about how his travels in the area have changed his life. And with that, I'll leave you with a spoof I produced with my cousins and uncle this summer.

Birthdays

2008-08-04T07:34:00.000-06:00

Wow - this whole blogging thing is more addicting than I thought. I made it about 9 hours before feeling the need to make another post.

So today is my little brother's birthday, making him 14. For those of you who don't know how birthdays work around our house, here's a general formula:

6 months before birthday: Make a list of things you want on your birthday. If you are under the age of about 15, this list should include sections with actual items you think you might get, items that you hope maybe your parents will get you one of, and several items that you have an ice cube's chance in hell of actually getting. The items in the last section will be added only for sardonic value, and to remind your parents they're not from Alpine.

1 week before birthday - 1 day before birthday: Obsess endlessly about your birthday, by doing such things as reminding people it's in x days several times hourly, posting a countdown on FaceBook (re wording it every few minutes so it stays on the top of people's lists of friends' status updates), and printing trees worth of copies of your birthday list to post on people's doors, bulletin boards, and telephone poles throughout the city.

Sampling of a typical day
during this stage

The night before birthday: Try to contain your excitement at being sent to bed. We know you're getting presents in the morning. We know.

The morning of birthday: Theatrically pretend to jerk awake when the family comes into your room singing happy birthday at some ungodly hour of the morning. You're sure to fool everyone into believing that you haven't been lying awake in your bed for the past 7 hours, checking the clock frequently to see if it was 6:00 am yet.

So that's the general process around here. Feel free to share how your birthdays go down in the comments, as long as it's not horrendously boring.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

2008-08-03T21:53:00.000-06:00

So here's my first post on my blog. For all of you that found my blog because Melissa linked to it or something, I should dispel any preconceived notions you may have about my blog because of hers:

1. I'm not as hilariously quirky as Melissa, though I do my best. And getting a hamburger phone is on my to do list.

2. Melissa's music tastes and mine are fairly similar, but while she likes things like Mika, Billy Joel, Josh Groban, etc., I prefer what I consider to be rather more refined music, such as Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, and basically anything by a black person after the year 2000.

Pictured: Ideal band

3. I'm really pretty cynical which I try to translate into humor. Case in point: #2 of this list.

4. Melissa updates her blog like every freakin' day. I'll be lucky if I update this more than once a week once the initial novelty has worn off.

So now that everyone knows how this blog is going to roll, hopefully nobody is in for any unpleasant surprises, and/or can just quit while they're ahead and stop reading this blog after the first post.

Well, that pretty much concludes my opening post. I'll make sure to keep everyone posted (no pun intended*) on the status of my hamburger phone endeavors and if Soulja Boy ever writes a song that was as good as Crank Dat.

*Yes, that pun was definitely intended.