Harry Potter and Andrew

I stepped off the Hogwarts Express alongside Ron, Hermione, and Harry, shooting malevolent looks at Malfoy as he passed. It was our 5th year at Hogwarts, and I had spent the majority of the train ride listening to them groan about O.W.L. exams. They were going to take place this year, and though I felt I could have passed them easily last year, I said nothing about the exams, aside from perhaps slipping a dry, witty comment in once or twice. Possibly three times.

I walked up to the thestral-drawn carriages, Ron, Hermione, and Harry hurrying along in my wake. The thestrals were looking thinner, more gaunt somehow than usual. I, of course, had been able to see the thestrals ever since I killed that Death Eater in my first year. The familiar call of "firs' years, this way!" rang out from the lake. I smiled quietly to myself, wondering if even Hagrid had noticed how underfed the thestrals were looking. I made a mental note to myself to mention it to him next time he invited me, Hermione, Harry, and maybe even Ron down to his cottage for tea and rock cakes, as he inevitably would by owl the first week of term.

As I stepped onto my carriage, I heard a shout and whipped around at lightning speed, thinking that Seamus had once again blown something the heck up. What met my eyes, however, was the hulking figure of Crabbe, his gorilla arms holding his wand up in the sky. He was casting the dark mark, just for fun it seemed. With a lazy flick of my wand, I sent his spinning skyward. It landed with a satisfying plop in the lake. Quickly erasing the dark mark from the sky before anyone noticed, I made a dry, witty comment on how thick Crabbe was.





Harry, Hermione, and Ron laughed loudly at my humor, then began quibbling among themselves over who got to sit next to me in the carriage.

"Andrew, Harry got to sit next to you last year, and Ron was the year before that. Isn't it my turn?" begged Hermione.

I rolled my eyes. Petrificus Totalus! The incantation emanated from my mouth thrice in quick succession. Hermione and Ron landed with their own respective thumps on the grass, and Harry swayed comically before crashing down on top of them both. He began attempting in vain to clutch at his scar like a loser, (because any time he clutches at his scar, he does so "like a loser"). He couldn't really move, but I could just tell.

I stood over the three. One of them, probably Ron, was whimpering quietly.

"Now you can all sit next to me at once!" I chortled, stacking them vertically next to me in the carriage. Harry stopped trying to grab his scar. Possibly he realized what a clever solution this was. He even smiled, a little. Except for he was paralyzed.

The thestrals started towards the castle. I gazed up at the many turrets and spires of Hogwarts, knowing that it would all be mine someday. The song The Circle of Life began playing, from Lion King.





Three years have passed since that day. Three long years, in which Harry helped me kill Voldemort, and I married both Ginny and Hermione. Ron protested at first, but after my Confundus charm, he seems to be quite happy with Lavender Brown. The sword of Gryffindor now rests in its scabbard at my side, because wearing a sword around makes me look super bad-a. The sorting hat resides in its proper place, on my head. It has to make a new song up for me each week. Harry has a spell placed on him that makes his forehead hurt (I have long since healed the scar) every time he says "blimey." Seamus has had a very successful career entertaining toddlers and the elderly by blowing things up in his face. Neville does crap with plants, or something. All is well.

Um, Animorphs

Okay. For those of you who have not experienced the joy of these books (hopefully as an elementary school age child), here is a short breakdown of the plot to explain things before I begin pitilessly mocking them.

Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel, and Tobias are 7th graders. They are walking home from school when AN ALIEN SHIP LANDS right by them. Out comes an Andalite, which is basically a blue deer with no mouth and a giant blade on its tail. Oh, and stalk eyes. It's dying. It tells them about these other aliens called Yeerks, which are little gray slugs, but they can take over other species by going into their ear canal and hijacking their brains. Every three days, the Yeerks have to come out and have a swim in the Yeerk Pool, which is this sludgy stuff that has nutrients and crap. The Andalite then gives them a glowy blue cube. Whoever touches it can morph into animals that they have acquired DNA from (just by touching the animals). But if they stay in a morph for more than two hours, they're stuck in it FOREVER! So the heroic middle school students must stop the Yeerks from taking over humanity! Also, like four books in, the little brother of the first Andalite, named Ax, crash lands in the ocean and they save him. Then he helps them fight the Yeerks.



Also, they look like this.
Just throwing that out there.

That's a super condensed version of the 54-book plot, but I'm more interested in ridiculing than summarizing.

Character breakdown.

Jake. Jake is the natural leader of the group. He's the "tall, dark, and handsome" type. He doesn't talk a whole lot. He is romantically involved with Cassie the entire time. If he was a Twilight character, he would be Edward.

Rachel. Rachel is Jake's cousin. She is the girl version of Rambo. She exists in the series not to provide any kind of plot or character development, but to humorously suggest the most violent possible plan for every situation that arises. If she was a director, she would be Michael Bay.

Marco. Marco is the comic relief for the series. Well, I should rephrase that. Marco is the intentional comic relief of the series. He exists to crack jokes, talk about 90's-esque gaming consoles, and use neat-o, hip, 90's lingo. If he was a decade, he would be the 90's.

Cassie. Cassie is a tree hugging hippie. She exists so that the Animorphs don't all have to be white. She is the opposite of Rachel in that she has too much personality, character development, etc. Reading books from Cassie's perspective is boring. All she does it talk about stupid feelings. If she was a talk show host, she would be Dr. Phil.

Tobias. Tobias is the boy version of Cassie. He's the picked on kid at school who's really artsy and comes from a messed up family. He exists so that K.A. Applegate can avoid the stereotype that boys are all G.I. Joe and girls are all Bella Swan. If he was a psychological disorder, he would be depression.

Ax. Ax is a blue freakin' deer. He exists to fill in plot holes with explanations derived from alien technology. And to have vaguely gay scenes with Tobias where they do strangely primitive alien rituals together to celebrate the sunset and crap. Like every book.

Plot Holes

Most of the logic flaws in the plot can be filled in with something Ax says. Oh, wait. I forgot he doesn't have a mouth, so he just telepathically projects his thoughts into everyone's mind. But there are a few things that just don't make sense.

First of all, the battle morphs they use are ridiculous.




Is it just me, or is that a little less intimidating than this?




I know which one could take more bullets. Or Dracon Beams, as it were.

Second, Tobias manages to get permanently trapped in his hawk morph in the very first book, during a raid on the Yeerk Pool. At first I questioned how he could be that stupid. But then a much more pertinent question arose: why the heck did he morph into a hawk to raid the Yeerk Pool?



Tobias' plan for attacking the
Yeerks in Arizona

Also, what did you plan on accomplishing by attacking the Yeerk Pool?



Even if you're a gorilla, you can't
just "destroy" a pool of liquid

Okay. I'm out of things to make fun of. I know it's been awhile since I blogged actively. Hopefully this summer I can get back into the groove of things. Word.

Not Overburdened with Subject

In keeping with my long tradition of making fun of Twilight, I found this article. Actually, Melissa showed it to me, and Brittany showed it to her. I took the best part, a parody, and will post it here.

The original post (along with the rest that I didn't re-post here) can be found with a short Google search for "Not Overburdened with Subject." It is your first result.

Without further ado:

Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Very well.”

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

I could not have written a better parody myself. Thank you, whoever wrote that, for including the words "liquid topaz." Best part of the entire article: "Oops." (six seconds later) "Yum."

The Next 4 Hit Songs by Popular Artists of Today

I was talking to my good friend Micah on FaceBook today, and the conversation turned to music. I have met few people who I agree with more on music than Micah. Which is cool, because I'm super picky. Then my brain had some kind of breakthrough and the idea for this post spontaneously popped into my head. I'm not going to try and explain it. But I think Micah gets some credit. Check out his blog, by the way. Funny cake sauce.

Without further ado, I present to you (that rhymed):

#4. "All of My Fans are White" by Kanye West.

From the album:



#3. "Somebody Pay Attention to Me" by Britney Spears.

From the album:



#2. "Still Don't Have Lung Cancer Yet" by Nickelback.

On the album:



#1. "Song #693" by Dragonforce

On the album:



That concludes today's post. Until next time, keep verbally ridiculing popular music!

3 Reasons why New York is Cooler than Utah

There are certain things that everyone does after going somewhere cool. For instance, after going to EFY, 95% of people on FaceBook post roughly eighty six hundred pictures.

Well for me, whenever I go to NYC, I post roughly 200 pictures on FaceBook, and then write a blog. So here we go.

#1. Food

This is the first thing that came to mind. In New York, if you ask for a gyro (pronounced like "euro"), you will get one of these for about $4:



Delicious

In Utah, if you ask for a gyro, you will get this:



"I thought there were just dollars...
Do you have gum?"


And since that is less than delicious, we have NYC: 1 and Utah: 0.

#2. In New York, there is more than one black person.

Yeah.



No.

New York: 2. Utah: 0.

#3. Times Square

Here is New York's version of Times Square:



Delicious


Here is Utah's bid:



Notice how there's... a car.


New York: 3. Utah: still 0.

On the other hand, in Utah, you can breathe air instead of secondhand smoke, buy a candy bar for less than eight dollars, enjoy free water in more than two locations, and wear this in public for significantly longer before being stabbed.



Or hit on. By men.

Wow. Looks like good old Utah actually won 4 to 3. Sorry Jen.

The Most Disorganized Post Ever

Ok, first of all, here's a funny video about friends reminiscing I made tonight. It kind of reminds me of that time I was on LSD and tried to film a movie. Also, I did a really crappy job editing it because I was feeling lazy tonight. And during one scene with dialog, my camera decided not to capture any audio, so I voice overed for it. Unfortunately, it was Kaycie's voice that was not recorded. So that should be interesting. Here's the video:


Tanner, you may have noticed I forgot to put in the last part. Which sucks, because that was hilarious. But it's too late. Sorry.

Here's the weird thing that happened to me tonight (this has nothing to do with the video, by the way).

I had FaceBook in the background while editing the above movie, and was messaged by one "Loretta Shidt." Loretta Shidt falls into the category of, "friends on FaceBook that I don't know in real life, and added because they went to Lone Peak and had a ton of friends in common with me." I don't actually remember when I added her.

She started hitting on me. Normally, ok cool. New friend time. Then it became less of "playful flirting" and more of "really forward, I want to make out with you" flirting. I started checking out her profile. In it was a box that said:

"This facebook account is an ethical experiment to tell the world to be careful who you add to your friends list. And to show how easy it is for online predators to create illigitimate facebook accounts.."

I like to think that after much deliberation, the person who made this account omitted the final sentence, "And to prove that it is okay to type in fragments."

Anyway, long story short, it's a group of kids from LP whose parents undoubtedly belong to the "Social Networking is of the Devil" society in Utah. I guess if you hear it long enough, you get brainwashed into thinking it's true, and then... try to prove it? I dunno.

But here's the best excerpt from the entire conversation:

Loretta: lets get to the bottom line do you or do you not want to make out with me?

Me: On the off chance that this is even remotely real, perhaps I should direct you to http://www.lds.org.

Loretta: is this for seminary?

Me: Yes. I have an assignment to wait on FaceBook until a stranger starts hitting on me, then try to convert her.

Throughout the conversation, I was being tagged by her in various pictures of Barack Obama, Pope Benedict, and Emperor Palpatine (ok, I made up that last one). Shortly after the above exchange, I was tagged in this picture:



Seriously

Well it didn't take much time before I was informed by two separate people that the account was fake, which I started suspecting as soon as "she" began denying the presence of a box in "her" profile which outlined the entire purpose of the account.

I congratulate you, Loretta, on managing to trick me into adding you. But next time, perhaps you should budget more time than 1/2 hour into seducing a teenager from stranger to first base. What kind of amateur sexual predator are you, anyway? One more tip, for the road: usually there's no box that says, "The purpose of this account is to lure young children into my house so I can molest them" sitting under the profile picture of a real stalker.

Ode to Unnoticed Jokes

There are few things in life that frustrate me more than seeing a brilliant outburst of wit go un-laughed at by the general public. Particularly when I am the originator of the gem. Perhaps I should just yell all my jokes from now on. There are actually a few ways for this to happen, and here are some of them:

1. Auditory Failure or "Not hearing it"

This one used to happen to me a lot. Whether it's because I'm such a mild, soft-spoken person, or because the audience of my joke just broke his/her protest of Rihanna's music, the result is the same.



She did beat up Chris Brown
with her face...

Lately though, I've noticed it happening to other people more often. I guess my shout-jokes plan is working.



OK THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU LAUGH

It irks me when someone rattles off some sarcastic one-liner under their breath and nobody hears it but me, ok? My solution is broadcasting their joke loudly, and sometimes even giving them credit for it! The danger is when they realize it was funny because I laughed at it, and then they tell it to another person in story form. As in, "and then I said..." This causes it to lose approximately 108% of its hilarity, and yes, there are actually people that do this. Like, all the time. Stop.

2. Under-education or "Not getting it"

Perhaps the most annoying way to lose a joke on this list is when people simply don't get it. Now, it's understandable when the joke only applies to a very specific group of people.



"And then the Night Elf was like,
'LOL! NooB!' "

But there are some jokes that should really be understood by everyone. It's even more frustrating when people laugh at it, but for a totally different reason. The best example I can think of is in the short that Pixar released on the DVD of The Incredibles, Jack-Jack Attack. If you'll recall, the baby begins discovering its powers and bursts into flame amid judgment-day-like music while the already moderately hysterical baby-sitter freaks out. Remember her?



"Hey! Mozart makes your baby fetching smarter!"

But here's what everyone misses: the doomsday music that begins playing as firebaby makes his appearance is Dies Irae... BY MOZART! The baby sitter was already playing Mozart music through the house. So it's not just an outside track for the benefit of the audience. The CD player happened to change to that song with ridiculously ironic timing, all within the bounds of the movie.

Unfortunately, now that I've explained it, it's no longer funny. Which brings me to the deadly mistake people make: spending 8 times as long explaining the context of a joke as they spend telling the actual joke. It's worse than unfunny, it's annoying.

3. Underdeveloped Sense of Humor or "Not thinking it's funny"

Now there's a fine line between not laughing at a tasteless (i.e. insulting or racist) joke, and just not having a sense of humor. Furthermore, I realize that there's a time for humor and a time to shut up and be serious. Here's the unofficial spectrum:



Fair game




Avoid at all costs

I also understand that some things take a rather special sense of humor to appreciate. Which I have. *cough*Hot Rod*choke* With all that said, some people I have encountered simply don't have a sense of humor. It's not that they don't get jokes, or that they don't view the world with humor goggles on. They simply insist on being serious, always. 100% of the time. And that,





is a mistake.

So you should laugh at funny people. It's nice.