G-Force Review

Let me give you a little background on this post: I was sitting at my computer, writing a sample article for the newspaper, which was a movie review. Since the only new releases I've seen so far are HP6 and G-Force (don't ask), I decided to write on G-Force. Somewhere along the line, maybe four or five words into the review, I could no longer dam the veritable river of sarcasm screaming to pour out of my head onto the paper, and the review became an example of exactly what NOT to do while writing a newspaper article, to be shown to the class tomorrow. Now I'm not here to educate you all on correct journalistic writing. I'm here to make you laugh. And I figured this was blog material. Without further ado, here goes:

This summer's box office contains many hits, but none of them are quite like G-Force. This thrilling yet comical release will keep your eyes glued to the screen while scenes of rodent-ridden action excite and amaze you! Tracy Morgan's inspiring performance nearly moved me to tears. He certainly has not sunk to a new low in his comedic career by voicing an animated guinea pig in a children's film, not to mention co-starring in a movie with Nicolas Cage.

The story follows our four quadruped heroes as they traverse the big city in an attempt to foil the plans of mega-billionaire CEO, Leonard Saber. Through a completely unpredictable plot twist, the team's tech support mole (a brilliant pun), fondly referred to as "Speckles," turns out to be the supervillain behind Leonard Saber's appliance-turned-killing-machines.

After an absolutely heartrending emotional climax, where it is tragically revealed that the guinea pig secret agents are not, in fact, biologically engineered to be mentally superior to all other guinea pigs, the G-Force team spends 30 seconds reflecting before moving out again to shout clichés (or in Tracy Morgan's case, black clichés), blow stuff up, and make Will Arnett's character look like a real dimwit.

I won't ruin the movie for you, but don't expect everything to end happily without something unexpected happening first! So this summer, be sure to avoid seeing District 9 or G.I. Joe - opt for the better option: G-Force in 3D!

I don't have a whole lot else to say on the subject. If you haven't seen G-Force, save your money. If you have, this article is probably a little funnier to you. Also, sorry for not having any pictures this post. I was too lazy.

I'm Bumping My Other Blog

This one will be a quickie.

Reader's Digest version: I'm building a guitar right now, and I want to document everything. Since I vowed to keep this blog strictly to topics on which I can easily write humorous posts, I'm creating a separate blog to follow my guitar-building progress. For those interested, I've put a link at the top of my sidebar. For those not interested, I've put a link at the top of my sidebar, but I want you to ignore it.

Adventures of a Senegal Scammer, Part I

Remember the 90s, back when cyberspace was this neat-o new invention that could be used for communication and business? Remember how approximately seven minutes after the internet was launched, some guy figured he could use it to scam people? Well that's one internet trend that has continued to be rampant, even in futuristic 2009. And finally, after years of waiting, the scam industry has decided to grace me with the privilige of receiving an email from a destitute African woman, whose father left her $2.3 million U.S. dollars. But she dares not attempt to access these funds from her refugee camp in Senegal. No, she needs a trustworthy soul in America to help her transfer the money to a U.S. bank account first.

This blog will spend a few posts following the progress of our journey together to transfer the funds to a U.S. bank account where she can safely withdraw it, and begin life anew in America, possibly rewarding the savior who assisted her in these transactions with a large sum of the money. Where will our adventures take us? Only time will tell.

Let's start with a transcript of the email I received.

"Hello my dearest
How are you today?
I am more than happy in your reply to my mail.
Mine is a little bit cold over here in Dakar senegal.
My name is Grace koneh from Ivory Coast in West Africa, i am 22yrs old, 5.3ft tall, fair in complexion and presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country.My late father Dr Oliver koneh was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood .it was only me that is alive now as the only child and I managed to make my way to a near by country senegal where i am leaving now In this camp .
Its just like one staying in the prison and i hope by God's grace i will come out here soon.i don't have any relatives now whom i can go to, all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i know here is Rev.father andrew kuma who is incharge of the church here in the camp ,

The rev, father's Tel number is (00221771703012) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me then he will send for me from my hostel to come and speak with you . As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this,when my father was alive he deposited some amount of money in one of the leading banks in europe which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount is $2.3M (Two million three Hundred Thousand Dollars),

I have my late father's Deposit Certificate and death Certificate here with me which i will send to you latter, So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to your place in order to further my studies, I kept this secret to people in the camp here because i don't want to loose the money or my life.

So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.
Remember i am giving you all this information due to my beleive in GOD and hoping that you will not disappoint me.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and hardworking person.My local language is french but i speak English very fluently.

Please i will like you to answer me these questions:
1.What percentage of the money will be good for you after the money is transfered into your account?
2. can i trust you as a genuine friend ?

Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said, i have alot to tell you..
Have a nice day and think about my condition here
Attach here is my pictures for you,
With love, Grace"

Here are the pictures that were attached:





This screams "refugee camp"


Now, there are many routes I could take with this opportunity. I could play the role of the absolute sucker, and give her fake bank information that would lead to her frustration. I could play the role of the absolute sucker, and give her extremely fake bank information that would lead to her arrest. I could turn the tables on her and ask her about helping me move a large sum of money from these weak U.S. dollars into a more secure currency, like Communaute Financiere Africaine francs, which just happen to be the standard monetary unit in Senegal. But I think that what I have planned is far more amusing. The trick with these emails is to be annoying enough to entertain yourself without giving away the fact that you're aware this is a scam.

Here is the transcript of the email which I have sent back:

Hello dear,

I'm doing great today. I had no idea that the civil war of Côte d'Ivoire had reached so far as to force refugees into camps in Senegal. I can empathize with your situation all to well, as my parents were also killed in a freak accident while on a safari in Guinea-Bissau shortly after I was born. I was raised by a small convent of monks, but set out last year to make my own destiny. I was 16 at the time, and have been living happily in Utah for a year and a half since then.

I would be happy to help you transfer your inheritance to a U.S. bank so you can fly to America and live here in peace and happiness, further your studies, and live a long, successful life.

I cannot ask for any of the money that is rightfully yours, especially knowing how tragic your past has been. My only payment will be the satisfaction of knowing I've helped out somebody in need of my service.

I hope that you can trust me as a friend, I want only to help you reach the United States safely and happily.

Thank you for the pictures; were they taken before or after your parents' deaths?

Please contact me soon so we can get started,
Andrew

From here, we wait. What will happen next? Stay tuned to watch this story unfold.

Wisdom Tooth Wisdom

This post is to document the last three days of my wisdom tooth removal process. Also, to make you laugh.

Day 1:
At 8:00 on the morning of July 29, 2009, I arrived at the orthodontist in Lehi. After enduring many insensitive jibes about my looming surgery from the calloused, unfeeling nurses (I believe they were called Cruella and Jabba), I entered the room where the fateful destruction of my four extra molars was to take place. The oral surgeon entered, and imformed me that he was wearing his lucky wristband. I remarked dryly that I hoped he wasn't relying too much on luck. He said not to worry, as he had learned how to do this surgery pretty well the day before. I asked whether he had learned it on Wikipedia. He didn't answer, which I took as a bad omen. Shortly thereafter, they put me on Nitrous Oxide. I had previously instructed my mouth to stop moving at the mention of Nitrous Oxide, as other peoples' experiences have told me that the line between "witty" and "retarded" statements blurs alarmingly with the introduction of that particular gas.



Is this real life?


I inhaled the laughing gas with exceptional dignity, and vaguely felt an IV being inserted into my arm. Then I woke up on my couch at home. Subsisting on a steady diet of water and Lortab, my thoughts were not too clear that day. At one point, I decided to go check my FaceBook. Rising off the couch, I walked up the stairs and sat down at the computer. At that point, my vision went black and I only just managed to gently lower myself onto the floor before I lost consciousness. "Edward..." I moaned, as the hole in my chest overpowered me.




Day 2:
July 30, 2009. I woke up, and promptly went back to sleep. This event occurred with alarming regularity throughout the entire day. I read all of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. And I drank some Fuze. (Note: I finished that Fuze off today. It tasted like getting your wisdom teeth out.)





On the plus side, I was free to choose a position other than "laying down" without being forced to do Bella impersonations.

Day 3:
I had to go into work today for a while, until they could find someone to cover. A friend of mine who also works at Iceberg came in, took one look at me, and burst out laughing. Well, I'm glad one of us found humor in the situation.

And because I'm a rebel, I'm not even going to post a picture of my comically swollen face. That's right, I'm denying all seven of my readers that pleasure!

Harry Potter and Andrew

I stepped off the Hogwarts Express alongside Ron, Hermione, and Harry, shooting malevolent looks at Malfoy as he passed. It was our 5th year at Hogwarts, and I had spent the majority of the train ride listening to them groan about O.W.L. exams. They were going to take place this year, and though I felt I could have passed them easily last year, I said nothing about the exams, aside from perhaps slipping a dry, witty comment in once or twice. Possibly three times.

I walked up to the thestral-drawn carriages, Ron, Hermione, and Harry hurrying along in my wake. The thestrals were looking thinner, more gaunt somehow than usual. I, of course, had been able to see the thestrals ever since I killed that Death Eater in my first year. The familiar call of "firs' years, this way!" rang out from the lake. I smiled quietly to myself, wondering if even Hagrid had noticed how underfed the thestrals were looking. I made a mental note to myself to mention it to him next time he invited me, Hermione, Harry, and maybe even Ron down to his cottage for tea and rock cakes, as he inevitably would by owl the first week of term.

As I stepped onto my carriage, I heard a shout and whipped around at lightning speed, thinking that Seamus had once again blown something the heck up. What met my eyes, however, was the hulking figure of Crabbe, his gorilla arms holding his wand up in the sky. He was casting the dark mark, just for fun it seemed. With a lazy flick of my wand, I sent his spinning skyward. It landed with a satisfying plop in the lake. Quickly erasing the dark mark from the sky before anyone noticed, I made a dry, witty comment on how thick Crabbe was.





Harry, Hermione, and Ron laughed loudly at my humor, then began quibbling among themselves over who got to sit next to me in the carriage.

"Andrew, Harry got to sit next to you last year, and Ron was the year before that. Isn't it my turn?" begged Hermione.

I rolled my eyes. Petrificus Totalus! The incantation emanated from my mouth thrice in quick succession. Hermione and Ron landed with their own respective thumps on the grass, and Harry swayed comically before crashing down on top of them both. He began attempting in vain to clutch at his scar like a loser, (because any time he clutches at his scar, he does so "like a loser"). He couldn't really move, but I could just tell.

I stood over the three. One of them, probably Ron, was whimpering quietly.

"Now you can all sit next to me at once!" I chortled, stacking them vertically next to me in the carriage. Harry stopped trying to grab his scar. Possibly he realized what a clever solution this was. He even smiled, a little. Except for he was paralyzed.

The thestrals started towards the castle. I gazed up at the many turrets and spires of Hogwarts, knowing that it would all be mine someday. The song The Circle of Life began playing, from Lion King.





Three years have passed since that day. Three long years, in which Harry helped me kill Voldemort, and I married both Ginny and Hermione. Ron protested at first, but after my Confundus charm, he seems to be quite happy with Lavender Brown. The sword of Gryffindor now rests in its scabbard at my side, because wearing a sword around makes me look super bad-a. The sorting hat resides in its proper place, on my head. It has to make a new song up for me each week. Harry has a spell placed on him that makes his forehead hurt (I have long since healed the scar) every time he says "blimey." Seamus has had a very successful career entertaining toddlers and the elderly by blowing things up in his face. Neville does crap with plants, or something. All is well.

Um, Animorphs

Okay. For those of you who have not experienced the joy of these books (hopefully as an elementary school age child), here is a short breakdown of the plot to explain things before I begin pitilessly mocking them.

Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel, and Tobias are 7th graders. They are walking home from school when AN ALIEN SHIP LANDS right by them. Out comes an Andalite, which is basically a blue deer with no mouth and a giant blade on its tail. Oh, and stalk eyes. It's dying. It tells them about these other aliens called Yeerks, which are little gray slugs, but they can take over other species by going into their ear canal and hijacking their brains. Every three days, the Yeerks have to come out and have a swim in the Yeerk Pool, which is this sludgy stuff that has nutrients and crap. The Andalite then gives them a glowy blue cube. Whoever touches it can morph into animals that they have acquired DNA from (just by touching the animals). But if they stay in a morph for more than two hours, they're stuck in it FOREVER! So the heroic middle school students must stop the Yeerks from taking over humanity! Also, like four books in, the little brother of the first Andalite, named Ax, crash lands in the ocean and they save him. Then he helps them fight the Yeerks.



Also, they look like this.
Just throwing that out there.

That's a super condensed version of the 54-book plot, but I'm more interested in ridiculing than summarizing.

Character breakdown.

Jake. Jake is the natural leader of the group. He's the "tall, dark, and handsome" type. He doesn't talk a whole lot. He is romantically involved with Cassie the entire time. If he was a Twilight character, he would be Edward.

Rachel. Rachel is Jake's cousin. She is the girl version of Rambo. She exists in the series not to provide any kind of plot or character development, but to humorously suggest the most violent possible plan for every situation that arises. If she was a director, she would be Michael Bay.

Marco. Marco is the comic relief for the series. Well, I should rephrase that. Marco is the intentional comic relief of the series. He exists to crack jokes, talk about 90's-esque gaming consoles, and use neat-o, hip, 90's lingo. If he was a decade, he would be the 90's.

Cassie. Cassie is a tree hugging hippie. She exists so that the Animorphs don't all have to be white. She is the opposite of Rachel in that she has too much personality, character development, etc. Reading books from Cassie's perspective is boring. All she does it talk about stupid feelings. If she was a talk show host, she would be Dr. Phil.

Tobias. Tobias is the boy version of Cassie. He's the picked on kid at school who's really artsy and comes from a messed up family. He exists so that K.A. Applegate can avoid the stereotype that boys are all G.I. Joe and girls are all Bella Swan. If he was a psychological disorder, he would be depression.

Ax. Ax is a blue freakin' deer. He exists to fill in plot holes with explanations derived from alien technology. And to have vaguely gay scenes with Tobias where they do strangely primitive alien rituals together to celebrate the sunset and crap. Like every book.

Plot Holes

Most of the logic flaws in the plot can be filled in with something Ax says. Oh, wait. I forgot he doesn't have a mouth, so he just telepathically projects his thoughts into everyone's mind. But there are a few things that just don't make sense.

First of all, the battle morphs they use are ridiculous.




Is it just me, or is that a little less intimidating than this?




I know which one could take more bullets. Or Dracon Beams, as it were.

Second, Tobias manages to get permanently trapped in his hawk morph in the very first book, during a raid on the Yeerk Pool. At first I questioned how he could be that stupid. But then a much more pertinent question arose: why the heck did he morph into a hawk to raid the Yeerk Pool?



Tobias' plan for attacking the
Yeerks in Arizona

Also, what did you plan on accomplishing by attacking the Yeerk Pool?



Even if you're a gorilla, you can't
just "destroy" a pool of liquid

Okay. I'm out of things to make fun of. I know it's been awhile since I blogged actively. Hopefully this summer I can get back into the groove of things. Word.

Not Overburdened with Subject

In keeping with my long tradition of making fun of Twilight, I found this article. Actually, Melissa showed it to me, and Brittany showed it to her. I took the best part, a parody, and will post it here.

The original post (along with the rest that I didn't re-post here) can be found with a short Google search for "Not Overburdened with Subject." It is your first result.

Without further ado:

Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Very well.”

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

I could not have written a better parody myself. Thank you, whoever wrote that, for including the words "liquid topaz." Best part of the entire article: "Oops." (six seconds later) "Yum."