http://www.youtube.com/watch
For the rest of you,
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Letter to my Sister
I made a video. It is not a Vlog. But it is a video. And you should watch it. For those of you handicapped by BYU filters, the URL is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3EIlJ6niEY
For the rest of you,
http://www.youtube.com/watch
For the rest of you,
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A Blog First
When I first began blogging, I never thought it would come to this. Personal attacks on specific people were simply not on the list of things to blog about. With the exception of Miley Cyrus, because she isn't a person.
So here's the first recorded incident in history. It was brought on by the fact that Joshua entered my account sometime between last time I posted (last night at around 11:00) and when I got home from school today (about 2:30) and deleted the post. Why? Because it was full of snide (and devastatingly witty) asides that pointed quite obviously at him. And unfortunately, I have no way of recovering said post.
So here's the deal:
Joshua, I am talking directly to you now. If you ever touch my blog again in any way except for a harmless comment, I will hunt you down. I will disembowel you with a spatula. This is not an idle threat.
It will find you.
For the rest of you, I will try and re-create the post from last time, but like saving a JPEG too many times, some quality will be lost. I apologize for this, and promise to keep my account more secure from now on.
If any of my readers have verbal abuse to hurl at younger brothers, feel free to do so in the comments section.
So here's the first recorded incident in history. It was brought on by the fact that Joshua entered my account sometime between last time I posted (last night at around 11:00) and when I got home from school today (about 2:30) and deleted the post. Why? Because it was full of snide (and devastatingly witty) asides that pointed quite obviously at him. And unfortunately, I have no way of recovering said post.
So here's the deal:
Joshua, I am talking directly to you now. If you ever touch my blog again in any way except for a harmless comment, I will hunt you down. I will disembowel you with a spatula. This is not an idle threat.
It will find you.
For the rest of you, I will try and re-create the post from last time, but like saving a JPEG too many times, some quality will be lost. I apologize for this, and promise to keep my account more secure from now on.
If any of my readers have verbal abuse to hurl at younger brothers, feel free to do so in the comments section.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Vlogging. Yea or Nay?
I was recently seized upon by sudden and unexplainable urge to try Vlogging. What inspired me? A single YouTube video that I stumbled accross. I won't link to it because it's totally irrelevant, but essentially, it was the first and only post on a Vlog I've ever seen that wasn't a teenager trying to be deep, and adult trying to be deep, a teenager playing some piece of crap music they composed, or and adult playing some piece of crap music they composed.
But fear not - my theory that all Vloggers are annoying losers is intact. Every other entry by this particular Vlogger fit into one of the above mentioned categories.
Since equipment is not an issue, I will list the pros and cons of Vlogging, then hold a poll to decide for me.
Pros:
-I can go down in history as the first non-obnoxious Vlogger. I strongly suspect there will be trophies involved.
This, only bigger
-It's easier for me to show rather than telling with video. This will delight creative writing teachers across the world.
-I could gain up to 4 viewers if I start uploading videos to YouTube. And maybe some of them won't even be other Vloggers that only comment because they want me to go watch their videos and comment too.
-It will motivate me to shave.
-I have an excuse to discriminate against people who are sitting behind really paranoid internet blockers.
Cons:
-There is a chance I will lose all of my self respect. I will ask now, in advance: if I ever include a guitar or any awkward poetry in my Vlog, please hire a hit man to have me assassinated. And tell them to make it look like an accident.
Then again, she is pure unadornment
-Editing movies takes a lot of time. And hard drive space.
-What if I forget to shave?
Well. I don't know about you, but I see more pros than cons. But! Comment. Cast your ballot. I await your opinions.
But fear not - my theory that all Vloggers are annoying losers is intact. Every other entry by this particular Vlogger fit into one of the above mentioned categories.
Since equipment is not an issue, I will list the pros and cons of Vlogging, then hold a poll to decide for me.
Pros:
-I can go down in history as the first non-obnoxious Vlogger. I strongly suspect there will be trophies involved.
This, only bigger
-It's easier for me to show rather than telling with video. This will delight creative writing teachers across the world.
-I could gain up to 4 viewers if I start uploading videos to YouTube. And maybe some of them won't even be other Vloggers that only comment because they want me to go watch their videos and comment too.
-It will motivate me to shave.
-I have an excuse to discriminate against people who are sitting behind really paranoid internet blockers.
Cons:
-There is a chance I will lose all of my self respect. I will ask now, in advance: if I ever include a guitar or any awkward poetry in my Vlog, please hire a hit man to have me assassinated. And tell them to make it look like an accident.
Then again, she is pure unadornment
-Editing movies takes a lot of time. And hard drive space.
-What if I forget to shave?
Well. I don't know about you, but I see more pros than cons. But! Comment. Cast your ballot. I await your opinions.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Rare Talents that I Have
Well it had to happen eventually. After all, the real reason I established this blog was so that eventually, I could go on a spiel about how talented I was. But this isn't just any old "I can play clarinet, recite Twilight cover to cover, and write awkward poetry" type list. No, these are talents I find in myself that very few other people in this world have. Mostly famous people. So without further ado,
#1. Simultaneously Planning and Filming the Same Movie
My Example: 23
It takes some wonderful improvisation skills to make up a movie as you go. Honestly, I'm not sure how I do it. And with such wonderful results too. Some people make movies out of books. But the true worth of a movie is proven when it's good enough to make a book out of the movie. Not that any book-of-a-movie could really capture the awesomeness of 23 anyway. And the publishers sent it back.
You could have been rich men!
Celebrity with the same talent:
Michael Bay
#2. Wasting Copious Amounts of Time
My Example:
Star Wars Kid II?
Sounds like a great movie.
I consider it particularly impressive that I spent a good 2 hours making this. And for what possible purpose, you ask? Do I, perhaps want to enjoy the kind of internet fame that our jiggly friend experienced? Well, no. The main reason is because I was bored.
Celebrity with the same talent:
Michael Bay
#3. Making Terrible Movies
Yeah. Michael Bay.
#4. Ruthlessly Mocking People Who Think they're Edgy
My example: You're reading it.
Are you 18? Do you have little or no knowlege about the issues that we faced during the presidential elections? You probably voted for Obama, didn't you?
"Because my parents are Republicans"
You realized that Obama was the candidate of choice for the young voter who knew nothing about politics. Also, he's black, so that makes him cooler.
My point? You're not edgy.
Celebrity with the same talent:
None. In this, I am unequaled.
If you like mocking people who are sadly mistaken about their own edginess, feel free to do so in the comments section.
#1. Simultaneously Planning and Filming the Same Movie
My Example: 23
It takes some wonderful improvisation skills to make up a movie as you go. Honestly, I'm not sure how I do it. And with such wonderful results too. Some people make movies out of books. But the true worth of a movie is proven when it's good enough to make a book out of the movie. Not that any book-of-a-movie could really capture the awesomeness of 23 anyway. And the publishers sent it back.
You could have been rich men!
Celebrity with the same talent:
Michael Bay
#2. Wasting Copious Amounts of Time
My Example:
Star Wars Kid II?
Sounds like a great movie.
I consider it particularly impressive that I spent a good 2 hours making this. And for what possible purpose, you ask? Do I, perhaps want to enjoy the kind of internet fame that our jiggly friend experienced? Well, no. The main reason is because I was bored.
Celebrity with the same talent:
Michael Bay
#3. Making Terrible Movies
Yeah. Michael Bay.
#4. Ruthlessly Mocking People Who Think they're Edgy
My example: You're reading it.
Are you 18? Do you have little or no knowlege about the issues that we faced during the presidential elections? You probably voted for Obama, didn't you?
"Because my parents are Republicans"
You realized that Obama was the candidate of choice for the young voter who knew nothing about politics. Also, he's black, so that makes him cooler.
My point? You're not edgy.
Celebrity with the same talent:
None. In this, I am unequaled.
If you like mocking people who are sadly mistaken about their own edginess, feel free to do so in the comments section.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Field Guide to Utah Dance People Types
Dances in Utah can be extremely interesting places to be. But beware, there are several dangerous life-forms that can be present at these dances. Here is a field guide to the types of people native to Utah dances, whether they are held by the school, your stake, or your college ward.
#1. The guy that doesn't dance
Please stop jumping up and down
General Info:
Usually somewhere between the age of 14 and 16 (though exceptions are not terribly uncommon), this is the guy who makes you wonder why he's even at a dance. He'll just stand there awkwardly whenever a fast song is playing, usually along a wall, sometimes talking to his friends to distract everyone from the fact that he's not actually dancing.
Behavior:
Occasionally, he will go into the middle of a group to jump up and down with one hand in the air. Watch for this on songs such as Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, All the Small Things by Blink-182, or virtually anything by Good Charlotte. Also, he will sometimes dance with a girl when a slow song comes on.
Potential Dangers:
If you dance with him during a slow song, be prepared to have your feet stepped on repeatedly.
#2. The skank
Pictured: 2 skanks, 1 wannabe skank
General Info:
This girl can be anywhere from 14 to 22 years old. She usually views herself as rebellious and a party animal, and feels the need to make sure everyone else knows she's a rebellious party animal by dressing like a whore.
Behavior:
This girl thrives on rap music (which explains the increasing population), because it gives her opportunities to show everyone how rebellious she is by dirty dancing, such as grinding and "getting low."
Potential Dangers:
Be careful around her unless you want to be ridiculed for being a "goody two-shoes." Also, many skanks have extremely shrill laughs that can wreak havoc with human ear canals.
#3. The gangsta black guy
Picture taken in Lehi
General Info:
This rare specimen isn't found at every Utah dance, but most have one or two. The black guy at the dance is good at dancing and not afraid to let everyone know. Like the skank, he thrives on rap.
Behavior:
The main identifying behavior of this species is his attraction to both skanks, and dance circles (which are often formed by guys who won't dance to focus the attention to somewhere besides themselves). The black guy will go into this circle during a rap song and nearly always breakdance.
Potential Dangers:
Don't do anything that might anger a black guy, as he can probably best you in physical combat. If you are challenged to a fight, avoid making eye contact, back away slowly, and leave the dance.
#4. The white guy who thinks he's a gangsta black guy
Dude! People here don't
even dance! That's wack!
General Info:
As rap became popular in Utah, many white males saw how effective breakdancing was at attracting a potential mate. This evolved a large group of whites that fooled themselves into thinking they could breakdance.
Behavior:
Without fail, members of this fascinating sub-species tend to congregate in dance circles. They love the attention they get from the uneducated masses. One legendary "wangster" (who will remain unnamed) broke the record for "number of times entered into a single circle to breakdance," a record that still stands today, and is all the more impressive because he was serious, not just making fun of himself.
Potential Dangers:
This species has been known to challenge black guys to breakdance competitions. If you are black, and get challenged by a wangster, don't panic. Black people have a 99.8% win rate against white people.
#5. The ballroom couple
These guys, only at a high
school dance instead of
a competition
General Info:
The defining feature of the ballroom couple is their interesting symbiosis at dances. A lone ballroom dancer has never been identified at a dance, so scientists are forced to assume they cannot be separated for more than about 30 minutes without dying.
Behavior:
These species are extremely easy to identify during slow songs. Look for a couple that seems to be romantically involved, and utilizing a ridiculous number of twirls and dips in their dancing.. The commonly accepted reason for this is their deeply ingrained need for attention, which is rarely satisfied by society in daily life.
Potential Dangers:
Ballroom dancers are mostly harmless and rarely aggressive. However, there are nearly 100 reported cases of extreme psychological damage due to seeing a guy in tight black shiny leather pants.
Utah dances are places that can be full of wonder, but quite dangerous for the uneducated traveler. Keep this field guide with you at all times when at a dance, however, and you should be protected from any danger. Available in hardcover and paperback form for $100.00 USD. Call 1-800-SAFE-DANCE-NOW. Must be 18 or older to order.
#1. The guy that doesn't dance
Please stop jumping up and down
General Info:
Usually somewhere between the age of 14 and 16 (though exceptions are not terribly uncommon), this is the guy who makes you wonder why he's even at a dance. He'll just stand there awkwardly whenever a fast song is playing, usually along a wall, sometimes talking to his friends to distract everyone from the fact that he's not actually dancing.
Behavior:
Occasionally, he will go into the middle of a group to jump up and down with one hand in the air. Watch for this on songs such as Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, All the Small Things by Blink-182, or virtually anything by Good Charlotte. Also, he will sometimes dance with a girl when a slow song comes on.
Potential Dangers:
If you dance with him during a slow song, be prepared to have your feet stepped on repeatedly.
#2. The skank
Pictured: 2 skanks, 1 wannabe skank
General Info:
This girl can be anywhere from 14 to 22 years old. She usually views herself as rebellious and a party animal, and feels the need to make sure everyone else knows she's a rebellious party animal by dressing like a whore.
Behavior:
This girl thrives on rap music (which explains the increasing population), because it gives her opportunities to show everyone how rebellious she is by dirty dancing, such as grinding and "getting low."
Potential Dangers:
Be careful around her unless you want to be ridiculed for being a "goody two-shoes." Also, many skanks have extremely shrill laughs that can wreak havoc with human ear canals.
#3. The gangsta black guy
Picture taken in Lehi
General Info:
This rare specimen isn't found at every Utah dance, but most have one or two. The black guy at the dance is good at dancing and not afraid to let everyone know. Like the skank, he thrives on rap.
Behavior:
The main identifying behavior of this species is his attraction to both skanks, and dance circles (which are often formed by guys who won't dance to focus the attention to somewhere besides themselves). The black guy will go into this circle during a rap song and nearly always breakdance.
Potential Dangers:
Don't do anything that might anger a black guy, as he can probably best you in physical combat. If you are challenged to a fight, avoid making eye contact, back away slowly, and leave the dance.
#4. The white guy who thinks he's a gangsta black guy
Dude! People here don't
even dance! That's wack!
General Info:
As rap became popular in Utah, many white males saw how effective breakdancing was at attracting a potential mate. This evolved a large group of whites that fooled themselves into thinking they could breakdance.
Behavior:
Without fail, members of this fascinating sub-species tend to congregate in dance circles. They love the attention they get from the uneducated masses. One legendary "wangster" (who will remain unnamed) broke the record for "number of times entered into a single circle to breakdance," a record that still stands today, and is all the more impressive because he was serious, not just making fun of himself.
Potential Dangers:
This species has been known to challenge black guys to breakdance competitions. If you are black, and get challenged by a wangster, don't panic. Black people have a 99.8% win rate against white people.
#5. The ballroom couple
These guys, only at a high
school dance instead of
a competition
General Info:
The defining feature of the ballroom couple is their interesting symbiosis at dances. A lone ballroom dancer has never been identified at a dance, so scientists are forced to assume they cannot be separated for more than about 30 minutes without dying.
Behavior:
These species are extremely easy to identify during slow songs. Look for a couple that seems to be romantically involved, and utilizing a ridiculous number of twirls and dips in their dancing.. The commonly accepted reason for this is their deeply ingrained need for attention, which is rarely satisfied by society in daily life.
Potential Dangers:
Ballroom dancers are mostly harmless and rarely aggressive. However, there are nearly 100 reported cases of extreme psychological damage due to seeing a guy in tight black shiny leather pants.
Utah dances are places that can be full of wonder, but quite dangerous for the uneducated traveler. Keep this field guide with you at all times when at a dance, however, and you should be protected from any danger. Available in hardcover and paperback form for $100.00 USD. Call 1-800-SAFE-DANCE-NOW. Must be 18 or older to order.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
4 Inventions Earth has yet to Recover from
Invention is born of necessity, or so goes the saying. While this holds true for inventions like cars, velcro, and liposuction, inventions like the ones on this list make me wonder how much LSD the geniuses (or genii, if you happen to be Mr. Vawdrey) responsible for these monstrosities ingested before "seeing" their necessity.
#4. The "Buddy Throw"
This cute little blanket is there to help you cope when you're separated from that important stick-figure in your life. Buddy here reminds you perfectly of his or her welcoming 6-foot-long arm and complete lack of hair. If you're really feeling lonely, you can even sit on his or her lap. Just be careful... it's probably trying to put its arm around whoever is sitting next to you.
About as good an idea as...
Microwaving magnesium
#3. Vending Machine Urban Camoflauge
Can you pick out the human in this group? Here's a hint: it's the wrinkly one. While some type of urban camoflauge will be useful for when China finally decides to go to war with the US, cloth isn't the most convincing metal-imitator. And the inventors of this apparently need a lesson in basic vending machine anatomy. Namely that vending machines don't have feet.
About as good an idea as...
Helping Miley Cyrus become the head of the Church of Scientology
#2. USB Vacuum Cleaner
Tired of those annoying manageably-sized messes within a three foot radius of your computer? I imagine that the inventor of this beauty was too. And by shelling out about $50.00, you too can avoid sweeping those Dorito crumbs off of your mouse pad. Or, at least you would be able to if this vacuum's power was measured in horsepower instead of crippled-pygmy-turtle power.
About as good an idea as...
Soymilk
#1. The Face-Mounted Mirror
Some people just never tire of their own reflections. If you are one of those people, you might be wondering why this is on the "stupid inventions" list - kind of like everyone around you is wondering whether or not the jail time for aggravated assault is a fair price to pay to shoot you in the kneecaps. Well, at least they won't be able to sneak up on you from behind.
About as good an idea as...
Giving Chuck Norris a noogie
Have you ever seen a truly horrendous invention? Share it with the world* in the comments box!
*The phrase "the world" may or may not refer to the six readers of this blog.
#4. The "Buddy Throw"
This cute little blanket is there to help you cope when you're separated from that important stick-figure in your life. Buddy here reminds you perfectly of his or her welcoming 6-foot-long arm and complete lack of hair. If you're really feeling lonely, you can even sit on his or her lap. Just be careful... it's probably trying to put its arm around whoever is sitting next to you.
About as good an idea as...
Microwaving magnesium
#3. Vending Machine Urban Camoflauge
Can you pick out the human in this group? Here's a hint: it's the wrinkly one. While some type of urban camoflauge will be useful for when China finally decides to go to war with the US, cloth isn't the most convincing metal-imitator. And the inventors of this apparently need a lesson in basic vending machine anatomy. Namely that vending machines don't have feet.
About as good an idea as...
Helping Miley Cyrus become the head of the Church of Scientology
#2. USB Vacuum Cleaner
Tired of those annoying manageably-sized messes within a three foot radius of your computer? I imagine that the inventor of this beauty was too. And by shelling out about $50.00, you too can avoid sweeping those Dorito crumbs off of your mouse pad. Or, at least you would be able to if this vacuum's power was measured in horsepower instead of crippled-pygmy-turtle power.
About as good an idea as...
Soymilk
#1. The Face-Mounted Mirror
Some people just never tire of their own reflections. If you are one of those people, you might be wondering why this is on the "stupid inventions" list - kind of like everyone around you is wondering whether or not the jail time for aggravated assault is a fair price to pay to shoot you in the kneecaps. Well, at least they won't be able to sneak up on you from behind.
About as good an idea as...
Giving Chuck Norris a noogie
Have you ever seen a truly horrendous invention? Share it with the world* in the comments box!
*The phrase "the world" may or may not refer to the six readers of this blog.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A Crusade Against Miley Cyrus
Brethren and sistren in arms! Today marks the beginning of a new era! An era where terrible music(?) is ostracized! An era where not every teenage girl of subaverage intelligence worships Hannah Montana! An era of prosperity! For today, we begin our campaign to strip the Queen of Evil, Miley Cyrus herself, off of her polished woodland-creature-skull throne!
The wheels of history are only moved by blood! Since physically assassinating people is illegal, however, the next best thing is a smear campaign! But I do not do my wondrous plan justice - a smear campaign implies slander and lies. Our public denouncement of Miley Cyrus will be 100% honest!
In an effort to compile a large armory of ammunition for us to use in the coming conflict, I present:
4 Reasons To Hate the Existence of Miley Cyrus
#1 - She Belongs to the Disney Channel
How many others have we seen corrupted by Disney?
Lindsay Lohan - drug addict
Britney Spears - totally creepy
Hilary Duff - if MySpace could fit in one person, it would be Hilary Duff
Christy Romano - thinks she can sing
Kim Possible - poor girl got turned into a freakin' cartoon!
What do all these girls have in common? They were once incredibly popular, and then became the butt of many jokes.
#2. She Invaded YouTube
Yes, our beloved YouTube has been poisoned by the influence of this monster. We will not stand for this!
If you didn't watch that (which I would totally understand), let me sum it up for you. Miley and her obnoxious friend Mandy run around screaming at the top of their voices for no discernible reason. This continues for the eight minute duration of the video. But my point? IT'S ON YOUTUBE! Apparently public television wasn't enough for Miley and she wanted to shunt her bass voice on those souls lucky enough NOT to watch the Disney Channel as well.
But the true horror of the video only comes when you play it backwards. Similar to how "Revolution" repeats "Turn me on, dead man" over and over again, when reversed, this video shows Miley murder an orphan in cold blood, and then proceed to punch a kitten in the throat 16 times.
On a related note, if anyone wants to be severely creeped out, watch the backwards Revolution video with white text on black saying what the song says backwards on YouTube. Late at night. With nobody else there. *shudder*
#3. She Hates Children
Which is why she is trying to deafen them all with her incessant screeching, be it on TV, concerts, or YouTube.
#4. She Endorses Satanism and All its Practices
Shh.... eat babies.
I hope this post has incited those of you unaware of the extent of this menace to society's crimes. Remember - only with strength and each other can we remove this awful tumor from the minds of the general public. Feel free to insert other heinous crimes Cyrus has committed in the comments box. These should be similar to Chuck Norris jokes. Only, you know, bad.
The wheels of history are only moved by blood! Since physically assassinating people is illegal, however, the next best thing is a smear campaign! But I do not do my wondrous plan justice - a smear campaign implies slander and lies. Our public denouncement of Miley Cyrus will be 100% honest!
In an effort to compile a large armory of ammunition for us to use in the coming conflict, I present:
4 Reasons To Hate the Existence of Miley Cyrus
#1 - She Belongs to the Disney Channel
How many others have we seen corrupted by Disney?
Lindsay Lohan - drug addict
Britney Spears - totally creepy
Hilary Duff - if MySpace could fit in one person, it would be Hilary Duff
Christy Romano - thinks she can sing
Kim Possible - poor girl got turned into a freakin' cartoon!
What do all these girls have in common? They were once incredibly popular, and then became the butt of many jokes.
#2. She Invaded YouTube
Yes, our beloved YouTube has been poisoned by the influence of this monster. We will not stand for this!
If you didn't watch that (which I would totally understand), let me sum it up for you. Miley and her obnoxious friend Mandy run around screaming at the top of their voices for no discernible reason. This continues for the eight minute duration of the video. But my point? IT'S ON YOUTUBE! Apparently public television wasn't enough for Miley and she wanted to shunt her bass voice on those souls lucky enough NOT to watch the Disney Channel as well.
But the true horror of the video only comes when you play it backwards. Similar to how "Revolution" repeats "Turn me on, dead man" over and over again, when reversed, this video shows Miley murder an orphan in cold blood, and then proceed to punch a kitten in the throat 16 times.
On a related note, if anyone wants to be severely creeped out, watch the backwards Revolution video with white text on black saying what the song says backwards on YouTube. Late at night. With nobody else there. *shudder*
#3. She Hates Children
Which is why she is trying to deafen them all with her incessant screeching, be it on TV, concerts, or YouTube.
#4. She Endorses Satanism and All its Practices
Shh.... eat babies.
I hope this post has incited those of you unaware of the extent of this menace to society's crimes. Remember - only with strength and each other can we remove this awful tumor from the minds of the general public. Feel free to insert other heinous crimes Cyrus has committed in the comments box. These should be similar to Chuck Norris jokes. Only, you know, bad.
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