Record Breakers

As we learned from Michael Phelps, every record, no matter how insane, will eventually be broken. We also learned that you won't get in that much trouble for experimenting with marijuana as long as you're famous, but I'll save the other applications of that lesson for another post.

Following my introduction is a short list of records I didn't think could be broken... and how they were.

#1. Most Bricks Karate-Chopped through

I imagine at one point, this record belonged to some neanderthal, who, in a drunken prehistoric rage, hit the wall of his rock hut, and brought it smashing down to the ground. His tribe-mates heard about the feat, and probably held some sort of contest to see who could smash the most rocks. I like to imagine that one of the larger, beefier cavemen (who also probably had the largest beard) won that contest, and was awarded the rock crown that symbolized leadership. Then all the other cavemen had to bring him mammoth meat while he sat on his stone throne, a rhyme which I'm sure neanderthals wouldn't appreciate. Eventually, the wheel was invented, and then iron, electricity, and Twitter. Somewhere along the line, this pastime became much more civilized, with contenders smashing bricks and cinder blocks rather than rough stones. But I digress. I'm here to show you some sick videos, so that's what I'm going to do.




As you can see, this man goes through 90 concrete blocks in 16 seconds. I'll be honest; I have nothing witty to say about that. Here's an even better video:




This video is all the more impressive because the man doesn't even hit the bricks. He first shouts at them, presumably to both weaken their structural integrity and instill deep in their souls a sense of fear. Then he taps the topmost brick with his hand, and the rest crumple in a comical, domino-like implosion of shame.

#2. Most Books Typed Backwards

Michele Santelia has typed 67 books backwards, using four unmarked keyboards (one with English characters, one with Hebrew, one Chinese, and one Etruscan). Here is an actual transcript of the phone call placed by Mr. Santelia to report his "success" to the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records.

Guinness Operator: Hello, and welcome to the Guinness Book of World Records claims hotline. We are currently not accepting claims of having broken the most consecutive pogo-stick jumps record, the largest gum bubble record, or longest fingernails record, due to the fact that nobody cares. How can I help you?
Santelia: Yes, I've just finished typing my 67th book backwards.
Guinness: You've... hang on, what?
Santelia: I typed 67 books backwards.
Guinness: Are you serious? You want in for something as stupid as that? Get a hobby, man! Go put snails on your face, or walk on coals for a mile, or... or something!
Santelia: So can I be in the book?
Guinness: Absolutely. I'll inform my superiors immediately. And how long did this take you, sir?
Santelia: Don't worry about it.
Guinness: Gotcha.

The most disturbing part about the record listing, though, is its conspicuous lack of a time listing. They won't tell us how long it took Santelia to accomplish this task. Which forces me to assume it took well over a fortnight. I know that's an understatement, but I really wanted to use the word "fortnight." This automatically grants Santelia two further records: "Longest waste of time," and "Stupidest waste of time." Ironically, this also makes him a serious contender for the "Most Guinness Book of World Records awards held" record.

But wait! Did I say waste of time? No, as you can see here, Santelia has been selling his "works." What man who considers himself a serious scholar wouldn't want to add "The Tragedy of Macbeth Backwards" to his collection of refined literature? I can see it now... Stephen Hawking lovingly places his copy on the bookshelf, labeling that row "eraepsekahS mailliW" with a single, electronic chuckle. And somewhere in Italy, Santelia rolls around with $31.08 in $1 bills floating through the air around him.

#3. Stupidest Scammer Alive

After my first round of Senegal scammage, I have received numerous emails of the same variety. On a whim yesterday, I decided to answer another one for kicks. The reply was even more excellent than my last one. It was also significantly longer, so I'll only post highlights.

Like I said my name is Franca Aburey,I'm from Liberia in Monrovia the capital of my country in west Africa, I'm 26 years old,I'm fair in complexion, 1.62 feet in height.

Wow! I think you have... wait for it... BIGGER problems than your locked up finances.

i attach my picture here to show you who i am and i will also be expecting your own picture in your next mail.

So, here are the pictures Franca attached for me. I'm completely serious.




Excellent style, Franca. Once again, this screams "refugee in Senegal." Luckily, the hostel you're staying in has a professional photographer, and, evidently, a professional signature forger, who specializes in American photography company logos.

As excellent as this photo is, I believe the next one to be even more enlightening.




Um... what? Okay, I just added "professional florist" to the list of hostel employees, and Mr. Forgery has really been busy. All sarcasm aside, I honestly don't understand how this is supposed to give me any kind of information on what Franca looks like. Maybe she's trying to charm me with a picture of something vaguely feminine? I'm at a loss here.

Fortunately, I have a plan on exactly what to send back. As Franca expects a picture from me, the message will consist of just that... a picture. Here are some candidates.



I debated putting the "Royal"
signature on this one



Dramatization



Almost as vague as roses
and a candle

So, everyone (saying "everyone" makes it sound like I have a lot of readers), those are your choices. I need you to vote in the comments. More on this story later. I'm still hoping to troll one of these scammers into breaking their cover.

Do me proud.

My Car is Home to a Squirrel

Okay. Story time. Gather around the metaphorical Blog rug. Everyone have your vanilla wafers? Here we go.

Once upon a time, I was trying to start my car this morning at about 6:15 so it could be warmed up and ready to go by 6:30, when I needed to leave for Seminary. Unfortunately, the engine wouldn't turn over. This was not particularly surprising, as the car is older than me, and held together with spit and prayers. So I popped the hood to take a look. Lo and behold, a LIVE TREE SQUIRREL was sitting on my engine block, staring me down.

"I dare you to do something about this," it said sassily. Except it couldn't really talk, except just pretend, okay?



"This is MY house."

I responded with a swift Z-Snap, and a resounding, "oh no you DITN'T!" I moon-walked to my garage to get on a pair of work gloves with which to remove the squirrel from my car with minimal risk of rabies and/or squirrel flu. When I came back, the squirrel scampered down into the undercarriage. It was out of reach, but I could still see its beady little eye. Staring at me. Mocking me. Right then, I almost got back in the car to make squirrel pâté. But my inner hippie vetoed this motion and I conceded defeat... for now. I took the Suburban to school.

When I got home, I checked out my engine block and my undercarriage carefully. It seemed squirrel-free, so I tried starting the car again. Nothing. The engine still wouldn't turn over. So. If the squirrel chewed through some wire or something else that would destroy my car... I'll just say I hope it was insta-fried down to a few moles of carbon, and blown by the wind right into Utah Lake.

The score stands at Squirrel: 2, Andrew: 0 right now. But I will have my revenge. And, heaven willing, get my car running again.

Adventures of a Senegal Scammer, Part II

My dear friend Grace Johnson wrote me back after a long bout of email silence. This is good; I was starting to lose faith that she would ever get back to me. How else would I heal the scars that losing both of my parents in a tragic safari accident caused? Here is the transcript of her email. My comments are in red.

hello dear.
am very happy to inform you about my sucCess in getting the money transfered by my new pertiner (partner?) from korea but Presently i am now in Japan for investment projects and building of an Orphanage home in Africa and 2 other countries. (Africa and 2 other countries? I presume those countries are Asia and South America, then?) meanwhile, i did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist in transferring those funds despite that you failed me somehow because we loosed contact . (Hang on. Let's get the story straight. I emailed YOU back and YOU ignored me. This does not mean I failed YOU because we "s0mehow loosed contact.")

Now contact Rev Andrew Kuma on emai (catholicophanagehome@live.com ) and Tell.+22-1768417838 , ask him to send you a Barclays Bank Draft of $50 ,000.00 which i raised in your favour for your compensation for
all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. (Now we're talking.) I appreciated your efforts and the care at that time. Thank you very much .So feel free and get in touch with Rev Andrew Kuma and give him your address and your new contact telephone number where to send the draft to you. (I'll do that right away. Are you sure he doesn't need my social security and blood type as well?)

I am very busy here in japan because of the investment projects which i and the new friend Mr. Kaito Yamato and Mr.Allen Smith Jr are having at hand, I remembered that I had forwarded instruction to Rev Andrew Kuma on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with him without any delay. You might not hear from me in 3 months or more from now for security reasons . (Because the hackers don't read your emails if you space them out over three month increments.)

Best regards,
Grace

So enlightening. Well it sounds like our young hero has nothing left to do but claim his 50 grand from the mysterious reverend in Africa. Or does he?

Dear Grace,

I'm so happy for you! Thank Cthulu for your sucCess in transferring the funds to Korea. I'm proud of you for choosing to spend your money on orphanages in countries like Africa, such as and.

I cannot accept the $50,000, but will happily donate it to this Reverend Andrew Kuma. I'm sure he will put it to excellent use.

And Grace, there is one more thing... I think I am in love with you. I cannot put my emotions to words now, but I will wait the three months with bated breath, hoping, nay, praying for your reply.

Be safe.

Love,
Andrew

P.S. Cute pix lol!

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to you on this story in about three months. But realistically, I doubt it. "Grace" is most likely some old greasy man who speaks very little English, but wants to make a buck off of those stupid Americans.

Random Video Game Name Generator

Ah, Internet. How you never let me down. I have, once again, found a new source of humor. It comes in the form of the Random Video Game Name Generator. Go check it out.

Now that you see what the site does, you will understand my immediate and automatic desire to throw together artwork for the game boxes in Photoshop. Here are my 3 best ones:

#3. Magic Train Crime Scene Investigation




In this game, you would play the role of a young, creepily animated boy who didn't believe in Christmas... until he finds that Santa was behind the explosion on the Polar Express! Rated E for Everyone.

#2. Frankenstein's Beat Dance Mix




This game would consist of a Guitar Hero-esque gameplay, but the controller is a 1/2 size version of a Frankenstein doll. Make him dance right, and your acceptance bar goes up. When it gets full, the townspeople are finally able to look past your physical deformities and see you for what you really are: lord of the dance! Rated T for Teen.

#1. Guitar Trampoline Choreographer




This game needs no petty descriptions from me. The Wii-ish game art tells you everything you need to know. Rated W for Way too Freaking Awesome.

So now that I've enlightened you as to the existence of this wonderful site, go check it out. Make some 500x500 album covers of your own! Just make sure I see them. This has tremendous potential.

Yahoo Answers: Fails and Wins

If you haven't been introduced to the wonderful, 75% troll population of the Yahoo Answers community yet, you are missing out. Where else could people ask leading questions about other people's religions or political beliefs, and conversely, state their own opinions as fact? (Besides the rest of the internet.) Here I have compiled a list of Yahoo Answers fails and wins for your enjoyment. I have found that every dumb question falls into one of five basic categories: Standard Stupid, Too Much Information, English as a Secondary Language, Facepalm Worthy, and Trolling.

Standard Stupid:


Really?

As you can see, the 4th graders of today are smart enough to figure out Yahoo Answers, but lack the common sense of a 9-year-old. Wait...

Too Much Information:


I'm more concerned with what a "Ginny" is

Another sad example of how comfortable people feel being gross behind the shield of anonymity the internet affords.

English as a Secondary Language:


In Vlad's defense, this question
doesn't make sense in Russian,
either

I could make fun of this, but that would be like kicking a crippled puppy down the street: way too easy to be fun, and anyone can do it.

Facepalm Worthy:


I thought metal was more about
ripping hearts out.

And I would have to say that Megadeth has caused me to cry more than any other metal band.

Trolling:



For those of you who are blissfully unaware of what trolling is, let me pop that bubble of happiness. Trolls are people who scream racist, sexist, or generally offensive crap in public internet outlets hoping only to get emotional responses from others. Yahoo Answers trolls have evolved (mutated?) into people who ask questions designed to get people riled up, so that when they post their answer, the troll can report them for not answering the question correctly, and get them banned. We have internet anonymity to thank, once again.

Luckily, Yahoo Answers is only 99% a repository for idiots, trolls, etc. The lucky explorer can find gems of wit near the bottom of the swamp on occasion.



Honest question



Even more honest answer

In case you couldn't read that, it says "Set it on a windowsill where the sun hits it. Pick it back up in 135 years and it will have that yellow parchment appearance." I offer my congratulations and respect to the brave crusader for intelligent sarcasm risking his life in the dangerous territory that is Yahoo Answers.

A Letter to the CEO of GEICO

To whom it may concern:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your professionalism. Truly I have been inspired by your extraordinary capacity for judgment of the human race as a whole. And how you have applied that to your business practices only serves to demonstrate your immense wisdom.

How could a mere mortal hope to achieve the same level of prudence as the man, nay, divine being, who discovered that all teenagers are terrible drivers? Indeed, those monsters unquestionably pose an untold threat to all the responsible, adult drivers on the roads of this country. It logically follows, then, that their insurance should cost twice the normal amount; only then can the universe be in perfect fiscal balance.

But under no circumstances should those blights against the human race, those scourges of mortals everywhere, those... teenage boys be afforded the same measure of decency as their relatively tolerable female counterparts. No, Baal himself demands that they be charged no less than four times the regular sum for auto insurance.

It behooves you to realize that not a single one of these savage barbarians deserves the chance to prove their skill and competence at driving safely. Let there be no possible mercy on those of them who avoid even the merest accident for the entire duration of their driving career. It matters not if he follows the speed limit more zealously than the SUV-owning mothers of Utah Valley who come to you for auto coverage. It matters not if he has never texted while driving, as is the custom of 95% of the 16 to 25-year-old girls you insure. It matters not if he uses his turn signal more often than the collective population of Provo. He is a teenage boy, and the bottom line is, he must not prevail!

Using the economy to your advantage, you have the power to end the auto-careers of these menaces on the road. I charge thee, therefore, to seal every loophole, caulk every legal gap, and prevent the continuation of the teenage-male-driver breed.

Viva la KGB!
Hugo Chavez

G-Force Review

Let me give you a little background on this post: I was sitting at my computer, writing a sample article for the newspaper, which was a movie review. Since the only new releases I've seen so far are HP6 and G-Force (don't ask), I decided to write on G-Force. Somewhere along the line, maybe four or five words into the review, I could no longer dam the veritable river of sarcasm screaming to pour out of my head onto the paper, and the review became an example of exactly what NOT to do while writing a newspaper article, to be shown to the class tomorrow. Now I'm not here to educate you all on correct journalistic writing. I'm here to make you laugh. And I figured this was blog material. Without further ado, here goes:

This summer's box office contains many hits, but none of them are quite like G-Force. This thrilling yet comical release will keep your eyes glued to the screen while scenes of rodent-ridden action excite and amaze you! Tracy Morgan's inspiring performance nearly moved me to tears. He certainly has not sunk to a new low in his comedic career by voicing an animated guinea pig in a children's film, not to mention co-starring in a movie with Nicolas Cage.

The story follows our four quadruped heroes as they traverse the big city in an attempt to foil the plans of mega-billionaire CEO, Leonard Saber. Through a completely unpredictable plot twist, the team's tech support mole (a brilliant pun), fondly referred to as "Speckles," turns out to be the supervillain behind Leonard Saber's appliance-turned-killing-machines.

After an absolutely heartrending emotional climax, where it is tragically revealed that the guinea pig secret agents are not, in fact, biologically engineered to be mentally superior to all other guinea pigs, the G-Force team spends 30 seconds reflecting before moving out again to shout clichés (or in Tracy Morgan's case, black clichés), blow stuff up, and make Will Arnett's character look like a real dimwit.

I won't ruin the movie for you, but don't expect everything to end happily without something unexpected happening first! So this summer, be sure to avoid seeing District 9 or G.I. Joe - opt for the better option: G-Force in 3D!

I don't have a whole lot else to say on the subject. If you haven't seen G-Force, save your money. If you have, this article is probably a little funnier to you. Also, sorry for not having any pictures this post. I was too lazy.