Record Breakers

As we learned from Michael Phelps, every record, no matter how insane, will eventually be broken. We also learned that you won't get in that much trouble for experimenting with marijuana as long as you're famous, but I'll save the other applications of that lesson for another post.

Following my introduction is a short list of records I didn't think could be broken... and how they were.

#1. Most Bricks Karate-Chopped through

I imagine at one point, this record belonged to some neanderthal, who, in a drunken prehistoric rage, hit the wall of his rock hut, and brought it smashing down to the ground. His tribe-mates heard about the feat, and probably held some sort of contest to see who could smash the most rocks. I like to imagine that one of the larger, beefier cavemen (who also probably had the largest beard) won that contest, and was awarded the rock crown that symbolized leadership. Then all the other cavemen had to bring him mammoth meat while he sat on his stone throne, a rhyme which I'm sure neanderthals wouldn't appreciate. Eventually, the wheel was invented, and then iron, electricity, and Twitter. Somewhere along the line, this pastime became much more civilized, with contenders smashing bricks and cinder blocks rather than rough stones. But I digress. I'm here to show you some sick videos, so that's what I'm going to do.




As you can see, this man goes through 90 concrete blocks in 16 seconds. I'll be honest; I have nothing witty to say about that. Here's an even better video:




This video is all the more impressive because the man doesn't even hit the bricks. He first shouts at them, presumably to both weaken their structural integrity and instill deep in their souls a sense of fear. Then he taps the topmost brick with his hand, and the rest crumple in a comical, domino-like implosion of shame.

#2. Most Books Typed Backwards

Michele Santelia has typed 67 books backwards, using four unmarked keyboards (one with English characters, one with Hebrew, one Chinese, and one Etruscan). Here is an actual transcript of the phone call placed by Mr. Santelia to report his "success" to the good people at the Guinness Book of World Records.

Guinness Operator: Hello, and welcome to the Guinness Book of World Records claims hotline. We are currently not accepting claims of having broken the most consecutive pogo-stick jumps record, the largest gum bubble record, or longest fingernails record, due to the fact that nobody cares. How can I help you?
Santelia: Yes, I've just finished typing my 67th book backwards.
Guinness: You've... hang on, what?
Santelia: I typed 67 books backwards.
Guinness: Are you serious? You want in for something as stupid as that? Get a hobby, man! Go put snails on your face, or walk on coals for a mile, or... or something!
Santelia: So can I be in the book?
Guinness: Absolutely. I'll inform my superiors immediately. And how long did this take you, sir?
Santelia: Don't worry about it.
Guinness: Gotcha.

The most disturbing part about the record listing, though, is its conspicuous lack of a time listing. They won't tell us how long it took Santelia to accomplish this task. Which forces me to assume it took well over a fortnight. I know that's an understatement, but I really wanted to use the word "fortnight." This automatically grants Santelia two further records: "Longest waste of time," and "Stupidest waste of time." Ironically, this also makes him a serious contender for the "Most Guinness Book of World Records awards held" record.

But wait! Did I say waste of time? No, as you can see here, Santelia has been selling his "works." What man who considers himself a serious scholar wouldn't want to add "The Tragedy of Macbeth Backwards" to his collection of refined literature? I can see it now... Stephen Hawking lovingly places his copy on the bookshelf, labeling that row "eraepsekahS mailliW" with a single, electronic chuckle. And somewhere in Italy, Santelia rolls around with $31.08 in $1 bills floating through the air around him.

#3. Stupidest Scammer Alive

After my first round of Senegal scammage, I have received numerous emails of the same variety. On a whim yesterday, I decided to answer another one for kicks. The reply was even more excellent than my last one. It was also significantly longer, so I'll only post highlights.

Like I said my name is Franca Aburey,I'm from Liberia in Monrovia the capital of my country in west Africa, I'm 26 years old,I'm fair in complexion, 1.62 feet in height.

Wow! I think you have... wait for it... BIGGER problems than your locked up finances.

i attach my picture here to show you who i am and i will also be expecting your own picture in your next mail.

So, here are the pictures Franca attached for me. I'm completely serious.




Excellent style, Franca. Once again, this screams "refugee in Senegal." Luckily, the hostel you're staying in has a professional photographer, and, evidently, a professional signature forger, who specializes in American photography company logos.

As excellent as this photo is, I believe the next one to be even more enlightening.




Um... what? Okay, I just added "professional florist" to the list of hostel employees, and Mr. Forgery has really been busy. All sarcasm aside, I honestly don't understand how this is supposed to give me any kind of information on what Franca looks like. Maybe she's trying to charm me with a picture of something vaguely feminine? I'm at a loss here.

Fortunately, I have a plan on exactly what to send back. As Franca expects a picture from me, the message will consist of just that... a picture. Here are some candidates.



I debated putting the "Royal"
signature on this one



Dramatization



Almost as vague as roses
and a candle

So, everyone (saying "everyone" makes it sound like I have a lot of readers), those are your choices. I need you to vote in the comments. More on this story later. I'm still hoping to troll one of these scammers into breaking their cover.

Do me proud.