Facial Hair: God's Chosen Art Form

While pondering in a wooded glen, I recently had a rather starting realization: I am running out of time to experiment with facial hair before my mission. As a select few of you know, I have already begun to take full advantage of the time remaining to me before this happens. So far I have learned that I look slightly less attractive than usual with a chin strap.

Though, in my defense,
who doesn't?

The whole wide world of facial hair is open to me now (minus anything requiring a full moustache, all the way... ...someday...)

For your convenience (although, let's be serious—I wager most of you will be using the following images for your "viewing pleasure" as well), using the latest in hypothetical imaging software technology, I have compiled a graphical list of a few possibilities for my next experiment.

1. The Mutton Chop

Dating back to that time someone grew huge sideburns and called them mutton chops, this extreme form of facial hair is a favorite among adamantine-clawed X-men, southern Civil War generals, and other cool people the world over.

Projected appearance:

2. The Shaped Burn

Despite the fact that Ludacris sported this look, these slivers of sideburn contain more awesome per capita than the entire state of Alaska. Add that to the "almostache" and the soul patch/decapitated goatee combo, and you have nearly enough awesome to power a small Transformer. I would recommend Optimus, of course.

Projected appearance:

3. The Everything

This look, popularized by Mr. T, really capitalizes on having just a small tuft of regular hair on top of the head. So I may not do this until shortly before I leave to the MTC...

Projected appearance:





Have any facial hair suggestions? I'd love to hear them in the comments.

Riding the New Layout Wave

The first thing you probably did when you arrived at my blog today was do a comical double-take. Then I imagine you asked yourself a question something like this: "Why are all five of my senses being assaulted with indie-tude, and who is that preppy, yet undeniably attractive man in the hip new site header?" At least, that's what I asked myself. Then I reminded myself that it was a NEW LAYOUT, and the mysterious bespectacled stranger was actually me, when I was 15 years old. Don't worry. It was a Halloween costume.

"Why indie," you may ask? Haven't you heard? "Indie" is the new black! Is it ironic that the social movement emphasizing nonconformity and disregard for what others think is fashionable has become mainstream?

He doesn't think so.

Anyway. Now that I have my spiffy new layout, here is a list of topics I will likely write about in the future:

-Why my obscure music is so much better than yours.

-Fashion from the 90s.

-How much I hate mainstream music.

-How much I hate mainstream cinema

-V-necks.

So look out! Andrew's Endlessly Condescending Ramblings is up and running! 

Portrait Photographers Gone Wild

As none of you know, one of the main reasons I stopped updating this blog for a while was because of the launch of my Photoblog a number of months ago. Since then my photography has really taken off. Lately I've been doing a lot of portraits. In doing so, I discovered that doing a lot of portraits is really freaking boring.

Luckily, I have friends like Michael Hess that:

a) Buy a kilt
b) Want to do a photoshoot in a kilt
c) Agree that we should make it hilarious
d) No more lists. Just look at these photos.










The serious face is what makes it. Srsly.

Re-Launch. And Fish Stories

Welcome back. I know you have all been faithfully checking my blog several times a day, hoping—nay, praying that I would update again and once more enrich your lives with my sarcastic humor, and rugged good looks that are somehow perceptible in my writing. Well your dreams are about to come true again (light glints off my carefully-cultivated 5-o'clock shadow as I type this).

Today I am here to explain to you the setup in one of my aquariums. Sound boring? Well, it isn't, so stuh-foo. During my brief hiatus, I picked up a hobby of keeping fish. But do I keep regular, boring fish in a regular, boring manner? Perish the thought. I present to you:

The Alpha Quadrant.




On the left is Romulan Space, and on the right is Federation Space. The mesh between is, of course, the neutral zone.


The two fish involved are Bettas, of course. Which means that if they were not separated, they would already have fought to the death. Let me introduce you.






Romulan. He really does bleed
green. I know. I checked.
Online.


While Romulan has yet to display any cloaking technology, he is quite good at calmly ticking off the Federation.





This is Federation. And yes,
those really are their
names.


I'm fully aware that I have brought more awesome into the fishkeeping hobby than you thought possible. You're welcome.

The Mormon Facebook Drinking Game

New year, new font. Also, the editor I upgraded to doesn't include Lucida Grande. I have a strange feeling of déjà vu right now, which means I probably already told you this.

Anyway, this is the Mormon Facebook Drinking Game. Get a friend, a couple of shot glasses that you bought ironically at a gift shop somewhere, and a two-liter of Coke. Caffeinated. That's right, we're playing this hardcore.

Before you begin: Post a funny quote from any recent (post 2007) SNL video as your status.



Round 1:
Go through all the status updates on the front page of your live feed.

-For every one that includes the words "procrastinate," or "homework," do a shot.

-For every one that is something dramatic and sympathy/attention-seeking, do two shots.
-For every one that is an un-cited MLIA post, do three shots.

Round 2:
Go through all the "Name has become a fan of 'something'" posts on the front page of your live feed.


-For every one that is a sentence with the "I hate/love it when (insert something really specific here) happens" format, do a shot.
-For every one that fits the above description, and has at least one word misspelled, do two shots.
-For every one that fits both of the above descriptions, and one of the misspelled words is "your" instead of "you're," do three shots.


Round 3:
Tally up all the people who have chatted to you since the beginning of Round 1.


-For every person that you have never talked to outside of Facebook, do a shot.
-For every person that started the conversation with "what's up?" do two shots.
-For every person that discontinued the conversation after replying "nm" or "just chillin" to your "nothing really, how about you?" do three shots.


Round 4:
Check the comments on your status that you posted at the beginning.

-For every person who was too lazy to actually comment, and just "liked" your status, do a shot.
-For every person who commented with something like "hahaha" or "lol I love SNL," do two shots.
-For every person who didn't recognize the source of the quote, but commented anyway, do three shots.

Round 5:
Go to: http://www.facebook.com/#/photos/?ref=sb (Photo app page)


-For every album entitled "random pix" or some such thing, do a shot.
-For every album entitled "me" or something similar, do two shots. If the album picture is a mirror photo, do a chaser.
-For every album that has the word "piknik" in the title, drink the rest of the bottle.