I'm too tired to come up with a witty introduction paragraph right now (it's WAY past my bedtime), so we'll just jump right into the list.
Funny People
Funny people inspire me to be funny as well. However, I don't always agree with people on what actually is funny. For instance:
Inspirational
Almost as funny as
a terminal illness
I don't care how much you guys love Shrek. It's retarded.
Awesome People
I'll just use Brian Carey as an example here, because he'll probably never read my blog. He's awesome, funny, great musician, great leader, chick magnet, and best of all, not a total loser. As much as it inspires me when awesome people like that get ahead in life, it makes me just as angry when total jerks get all the chicks. Enjoy it while you can - but I see your future.
"Get to McMinimum Waging!"
Genious Cleverness
The above phrase probably didn't make sense to anyone, so I'll try to explain it. Ever seen something (a video, a picture, a comeback) that just makes you want to explode with awesomeness? So cool that you wish everyone you know could know about it and appreciate it's sheer intestine-obliterating coolness? That's what I'm talking about. I strive to create those types of moments.
Dating
Dating has inspired me to keep things more clean. For instance, after feeling mildly embarrassed about carting my group for Homecoming around in my ridiculously messy car for the day date, I decided to spend a couple of hours and really clean it. Now that it's clean, I'll be keeping it that way. If only this wisdom had affected my motivation to keep my room clean as well. You know, just in case something like this happened. (click to enlarge)
Not pictured: Underwear anywhere
in sight (thankfully). Yeah, I'll go to
Sadies with you.
That about wraps it up for today's show. Until next time, keep your room clean!
I was assigned in my english class (taught by everyone's favorite teacher, Gardner) a literary analysis on a novel we just finished. Now, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the concepts behind a really good paper (thank you, Woolsey), but that day I learned a thing or two. We were given time to begin work on our rough draft in the writing lab, which translates approximately to "edit Wikipedia so it says that Ted Nugent was born in Highland" in my somewhat more developed dialect of English. I looked over for a moment, and noticed that my friend (uneducated in Andrewese, so obviously misunderstanding Garder's instructions) had started his paper with an impressive title. Earlier that period, we had been urged to choose a more interesting title for our paper, and his example really demonstrated good writing techniques. So, without further ado, I present three rules for better writing.
#1. The Thesaurus Makes You Look Smarter
Any teacher who ever told you that this was a dangerous tool, due to the possibility of using words in the wrong context, was obviously a quack. The thesaurus transforms a boring, cookie cutter title such as
into something MUCH more eye-popping.
Much better! If you're unfortunate enough not to have Microsoft Word on your computer, please proceed to catch up with the rest of the world. Go on, nobody's waiting.#2. A Thesis is OptionalI know all your teachers probably never shut up about how important your thesis statement is. But this thesis-based system of organization is really starting to get outdated. A much more modern idea on how to organize your paper is known simply as "Utter Chaos." If you want to be original with your paper and avoid sounding like everyone else in your class, check out the details here. As a matter of fact, this "Utter Chaos" principle can be applied in a myriad of ways. For example, this girl demonstrates its fantastic effects when organizing notes in a piece of music.#3. Don't Bore Your Readers
A paper should really be no longer than one page. Think of the Gettysburg Address - written on a train ride to the place where Abraham Lincoln was to deliver it. This paper is still nationally renowned today! The Declaration of Independence?
One page.
Also, the Constitution.
These great documents are perfect examples of being concise. But you would be hard-pressed to find any longer articles that have really made a difference in the world.
So until next time, remember these three golden rules and watch your papers get A's (and sometimes these little upside-down L's with an extra dash that I can only assume are better than an A) left and write! (Pun may or may not have been 100% intentional).
For those of you unfamiliar with my Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration, I have a Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration. It started in 8th grade. My young, innocent, carefree self was sitting in Geometry (taught by none other than Dolores Umbridge herself), when I heard the name "Chuck Norris" slip out casually from a friend somebody sitting next to me. (At that point in my life, I was too socially inept to have what others called "friends.") Needless to say, I perked up immediately. Was this the same Chuck Norris that I had seen portrayed as Walker, Texas Ranger countless times on Hallmark Channel? It had to be.
Director: Chuck Norris. Starring: Chuck Norris. Producer:
Chuck Norris. Stunt Double: Preposterous!
My suspicions were only confirmed when, shortly thereafter, I heard a reference to his world famous Roundhouse Kick. With this kick, Walker (and therefore Chuck Norris) had downed, nay, slain numberless concourses of cookie-cutter foes. One could go so far as to call it his trademark, although experts argue that his beard fits the same description.
That day, my love for Chuck Norris jokes was born. I've read every single one that's ever been written on the internet, and been reduced to making up my own. But for those of you who haven't yet experienced the magic, a google search of "Chuck Norris Jokes" will steer you in the right direction. Be warned, not all Chuck Norris jokes are G-rated. To put it in another way, if there are words in a joke that you don't understand, a Google Image Search would NOT be an ideal next step.
So what makes up this legend of a man? Well let's break it down and find out.
History: Chuck Norris was born before his parents were, so the date is currently disputed. He has been alive for many centuries. In fact, he should have died by now, but Death hasn't gotten up the nerve to tell him yet. His first role in a big movie was to get the crap beat out of him by Bruce Lee. Although, if you want to be technical, he never actually appeared in the film. A stunt double was used for the scene in question, so as to avoid breaking Bruce Lee's toes, foot, leg, and vertebrae. This is one of two times Chuck Norris uses stunt doubles, the other being for crying scenes. Chuck Norris doesn't cry, which is a shame, because his tears are the only known cure for cancer, AIDS, and aging.
The high point in this young
stunt-double's career
Martial Arts Training: Taking a break from his successful acting career, Norris inexplicably decided to study Martial Arts. Although entirely unnecessary (Japan gave Chuck Norris a black belt in every martial art form in existence shortly after they became a country), this endeavor gave birth to one of the most, if not THE most famous aspect of Chuck Norrism: the Roundhouse Kick. The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (composed entirely from the element Chuckitanium) is the most powerful entity known to man thus far. When Chuck Norris misses you with a Roundhouse Kick, you still die, as does everyone else in the room. Similarly, if you have dream about Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicking you, you die. Perhaps the most impressive feature of his Roundhouse Kick, however, is the fact that it can be seen from space.
"In other news, it appears Chuck Norris
has decided to stand in off the coast
of Florida and Roundhouse kick
a dolphin."
Franchising: Eventually, people realized that there was a lot of money to be made on Chuck Norris paraphernalia. Already thriving on the money he earns from selling his urine as "Red Bull," Norris felt it was his chance to contribute to the world economy. The selection of Chuck Norris merchandise grows every day, and I'm proud to say I've contributed to the market by purchasing one of my very own T-shirts.
A much improved version
of the popular "I do all
my own stunts"
T-shirt
So I want to try something new. In the comments, write whatever you want to about how awesome Chuck Norris is, and THEN submit a joke of your own invention! The winner will get the worldwide notoriety of being publicly recognized in my blog next time I do a post. Also, don't try to slip in jokes that someone else wrote, or that you found on the internet. I promise you I've heard it before. And when somebody inevitably thinks I can't have read all the Chuck Norris jokes and submits one anyway, they will be publicly shamed on my blog, which is akin to being publicly shamed in the Olympics in terms of the audience that will see it.
Until next time, happy Chuck Norris day! (and tomorrow, and the next day...)
