Chuck Norris: More Man than a Keg of Testosterone

For those of you unfamiliar with my Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration, I have a Chuck Norris obsession/addiction/fetish/unhealthy adoration. It started in 8th grade. My young, innocent, carefree self was sitting in Geometry (taught by none other than Dolores Umbridge herself), when I heard the name "Chuck Norris" slip out casually from a friend somebody sitting next to me. (At that point in my life, I was too socially inept to have what others called "friends.") Needless to say, I perked up immediately. Was this the same Chuck Norris that I had seen portrayed as Walker, Texas Ranger countless times on Hallmark Channel? It had to be.




Director: Chuck Norris. Starring: Chuck Norris. Producer:
Chuck Norris. Stunt Double: Preposterous!

My suspicions were only confirmed when, shortly thereafter, I heard a reference to his world famous Roundhouse Kick. With this kick, Walker (and therefore Chuck Norris) had downed, nay, slain numberless concourses of cookie-cutter foes. One could go so far as to call it his trademark, although experts argue that his beard fits the same description.

That day, my love for Chuck Norris jokes was born. I've read every single one that's ever been written on the internet, and been reduced to making up my own. But for those of you who haven't yet experienced the magic, a google search of "Chuck Norris Jokes" will steer you in the right direction. Be warned, not all Chuck Norris jokes are G-rated. To put it in another way, if there are words in a joke that you don't understand, a Google Image Search would NOT be an ideal next step.

So what makes up this legend of a man? Well let's break it down and find out.

History: Chuck Norris was born before his parents were, so the date is currently disputed. He has been alive for many centuries. In fact, he should have died by now, but Death hasn't gotten up the nerve to tell him yet. His first role in a big movie was to get the crap beat out of him by Bruce Lee. Although, if you want to be technical, he never actually appeared in the film. A stunt double was used for the scene in question, so as to avoid breaking Bruce Lee's toes, foot, leg, and vertebrae. This is one of two times Chuck Norris uses stunt doubles, the other being for crying scenes. Chuck Norris doesn't cry, which is a shame, because his tears are the only known cure for cancer, AIDS, and aging.




The high point in this young
stunt-double's career


Martial Arts Training: Taking a break from his successful acting career, Norris inexplicably decided to study Martial Arts. Although entirely unnecessary (Japan gave Chuck Norris a black belt in every martial art form in existence shortly after they became a country), this endeavor gave birth to one of the most, if not THE most famous aspect of Chuck Norrism: the Roundhouse Kick. The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (composed entirely from the element Chuckitanium) is the most powerful entity known to man thus far. When Chuck Norris misses you with a Roundhouse Kick, you still die, as does everyone else in the room. Similarly, if you have dream about Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicking you, you die. Perhaps the most impressive feature of his Roundhouse Kick, however, is the fact that it can be seen from space.




"In other news, it appears Chuck Norris
has decided to stand in off the coast
of Florida and Roundhouse kick
a dolphin."

Franchising: Eventually, people realized that there was a lot of money to be made on Chuck Norris paraphernalia. Already thriving on the money he earns from selling his urine as "Red Bull," Norris felt it was his chance to contribute to the world economy. The selection of Chuck Norris merchandise grows every day, and I'm proud to say I've contributed to the market by purchasing one of my very own T-shirts.




A much improved version
of the popular "I do all
my own stunts"
T-shirt

So I want to try something new. In the comments, write whatever you want to about how awesome Chuck Norris is, and THEN submit a joke of your own invention! The winner will get the worldwide notoriety of being publicly recognized in my blog next time I do a post. Also, don't try to slip in jokes that someone else wrote, or that you found on the internet. I promise you I've heard it before. And when somebody inevitably thinks I can't have read all the Chuck Norris jokes and submits one anyway, they will be publicly shamed on my blog, which is akin to being publicly shamed in the Olympics in terms of the audience that will see it.

Until next time, happy Chuck Norris day! (and tomorrow, and the next day...)