There are certain things that everyone does after going somewhere cool. For instance, after going to EFY, 95% of people on FaceBook post roughly eighty six hundred pictures.
Well for me, whenever I go to NYC, I post roughly 200 pictures on FaceBook, and then write a blog. So here we go.
#1. Food
This is the first thing that came to mind. In New York, if you ask for a gyro (pronounced like "euro"), you will get one of these for about $4:
Delicious
In Utah, if you ask for a gyro, you will get this:
"I thought there were just dollars... Do you have gum?"
And since that is less than delicious, we have NYC: 1 and Utah: 0.
#2. In New York, there is more than one black person.
Yeah.
No.
New York: 2. Utah: 0.
#3. Times Square
Here is New York's version of Times Square:
Delicious
Here is Utah's bid:
Notice how there's... a car.
New York: 3. Utah: still 0.
On the other hand, in Utah, you can breathe air instead of secondhand smoke, buy a candy bar for less than eight dollars, enjoy free water in more than two locations, and wear this in public for significantly longer before being stabbed.
Or hit on. By men.
Wow. Looks like good old Utah actually won 4 to 3. Sorry Jen.
Ok, first of all, here's a funny video about friends reminiscing I made tonight. It kind of reminds me of that time I was on LSD and tried to film a movie. Also, I did a really crappy job editing it because I was feeling lazy tonight. And during one scene with dialog, my camera decided not to capture any audio, so I voice overed for it. Unfortunately, it was Kaycie's voice that was not recorded. So that should be interesting. Here's the video:
Tanner, you may have noticed I forgot to put in the last part. Which sucks, because that was hilarious. But it's too late. Sorry.
Here's the weird thing that happened to me tonight (this has nothing to do with the video, by the way).
I had FaceBook in the background while editing the above movie, and was messaged by one "Loretta Shidt." Loretta Shidt falls into the category of, "friends on FaceBook that I don't know in real life, and added because they went to Lone Peak and had a ton of friends in common with me." I don't actually remember when I added her.
She started hitting on me. Normally, ok cool. New friend time. Then it became less of "playful flirting" and more of "really forward, I want to make out with you" flirting. I started checking out her profile. In it was a box that said:
"This facebook account is an ethical experiment to tell the world to be careful who you add to your friends list. And to show how easy it is for online predators to create illigitimate facebook accounts.."
I like to think that after much deliberation, the person who made this account omitted the final sentence, "And to prove that it is okay to type in fragments."
Anyway, long story short, it's a group of kids from LP whose parents undoubtedly belong to the "Social Networking is of the Devil" society in Utah. I guess if you hear it long enough, you get brainwashed into thinking it's true, and then... try to prove it? I dunno.
But here's the best excerpt from the entire conversation:
Loretta: lets get to the bottom line do you or do you not want to make out with me?
Me: On the off chance that this is even remotely real, perhaps I should direct you to http://www.lds.org.
Loretta: is this for seminary?
Me: Yes. I have an assignment to wait on FaceBook until a stranger starts hitting on me, then try to convert her.
Throughout the conversation, I was being tagged by her in various pictures of Barack Obama, Pope Benedict, and Emperor Palpatine (ok, I made up that last one). Shortly after the above exchange, I was tagged in this picture:
Seriously
Well it didn't take much time before I was informed by two separate people that the account was fake, which I started suspecting as soon as "she" began denying the presence of a box in "her" profile which outlined the entire purpose of the account.
I congratulate you, Loretta, on managing to trick me into adding you. But next time, perhaps you should budget more time than 1/2 hour into seducing a teenager from stranger to first base. What kind of amateur sexual predator are you, anyway? One more tip, for the road: usually there's no box that says, "The purpose of this account is to lure young children into my house so I can molest them" sitting under the profile picture of a real stalker.
There are few things in life that frustrate me more than seeing a brilliant outburst of wit go un-laughed at by the general public. Particularly when I am the originator of the gem. Perhaps I should just yell all my jokes from now on. There are actually a few ways for this to happen, and here are some of them:
1. Auditory Failure or "Not hearing it"
This one used to happen to me a lot. Whether it's because I'm such a mild, soft-spoken person, or because the audience of my joke just broke his/her protest of Rihanna's music, the result is the same.
She did beat up Chris Brown with her face...
Lately though, I've noticed it happening to other people more often. I guess my shout-jokes plan is working.
OK THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU LAUGH
It irks me when someone rattles off some sarcastic one-liner under their breath and nobody hears it but me, ok? My solution is broadcasting their joke loudly, and sometimes even giving them credit for it! The danger is when they realize it was funny because I laughed at it, and then they tell it to another person in story form. As in, "and then I said..." This causes it to lose approximately 108% of its hilarity, and yes, there are actually people that do this. Like, all the time. Stop.
2. Under-education or "Not getting it"
Perhaps the most annoying way to lose a joke on this list is when people simply don't get it. Now, it's understandable when the joke only applies to a very specific group of people.
"And then the Night Elf was like, 'LOL! NooB!' "
But there are some jokes that should really be understood by everyone. It's even more frustrating when people laugh at it, but for a totally different reason. The best example I can think of is in the short that Pixar released on the DVD of The Incredibles, Jack-Jack Attack. If you'll recall, the baby begins discovering its powers and bursts into flame amid judgment-day-like music while the already moderately hysterical baby-sitter freaks out. Remember her?
"Hey! Mozart makes your baby fetching smarter!"
But here's what everyone misses: the doomsday music that begins playing as firebaby makes his appearance is Dies Irae... BY MOZART! The baby sitter was already playing Mozart music through the house. So it's not just an outside track for the benefit of the audience. The CD player happened to change to that song with ridiculously ironic timing, all within the bounds of the movie.
Unfortunately, now that I've explained it, it's no longer funny. Which brings me to the deadly mistake people make: spending 8 times as long explaining the context of a joke as they spend telling the actual joke. It's worse than unfunny, it's annoying.
3. Underdeveloped Sense of Humor or "Not thinking it's funny"
Now there's a fine line between not laughing at a tasteless (i.e. insulting or racist) joke, and just not having a sense of humor. Furthermore, I realize that there's a time for humor and a time to shut up and be serious. Here's the unofficial spectrum:
Fair game
Avoid at all costs
I also understand that some things take a rather special sense of humor to appreciate. Which I have. *cough*Hot Rod*choke* With all that said, some people I have encountered simply don't have a sense of humor. It's not that they don't get jokes, or that they don't view the world with humor goggles on. They simply insist on being serious, always. 100% of the time. And that,
Most of you have probably worked fast food at one point or another in your life. And unless you are some kind of freak, you know how much it sucks. But every fast food experience is a little different. Here are the worst parts of mine, and to make this post sound less like whining, I'll also put something that balances each complaint out somewhat. #5. The Shake Shield
Why it Sucks
Iceberg is famous for its shakes. This is because they are good. And as any wise old hobo will tell you, good things take time and effort. Now because we are a fast-food joint, the "time" portion of that has been marginalized. But that has effectively sent the "effort" part skyrocketing. The machine we use to mix the shakes has a shield in front to contain high-velocity dairy, which is held in place by a simple rail system. Recently however, this shield has taken upon itself a new mission: to destroy my childhood. I'm forced to assume it's been systematically disabling the essential components of the rail system at night while we're not there. However it accomplished this, the shield now has a 99% chance of falling out of the rail system during use. This results in a lovely spattering of soft-serve across your shirt, arms, and soul.
Comparable Perk
Abusing the machine by making unorthodox shakes for dares (i.e. barbecue sauce).
#4. Doing the dishes
And he wouldn't even help me.
Why it Sucks
I am not a fan of doing the dishes anyway. But take the dishes you do at home, and multiply the quantity (both of dishes and of grease) by about 18, and you have an industrial sized mess. Now I realize I'm getting paid to do this. But when business is slow (fewer people tend to have ice cream cravings when there's a blizzard outside), I end up working the majority of my hours with two managers, and zero normal (see: teenage) employees. Which means I do the dishes every shift I work, often while one or both managers watch obscure college teams play basketball or football on Direct TV.
Comparable Perk
Smelling the sanitized water. I think you can get high off of it.
#3. Working with Crappy Employees
Why it Sucks
There are a number of employees at Iceberg that work hard and get the job done. I get alone just fine with them. Unfortunately, it seems that for every person who works, there are two that don't. My favorite example is the girl who refused to do the dishes on the grounds that "she did them at home." For reasons mentioned above, this didn't fly so well with the rest of us. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll tell you that to this day, she has never done dishes.
Comparable Perk
Not telling them that you just mopped the floor and watching them fall. Especially funny when they are unable to get up.
#2. Last-Minute Customers
Why it Sucks
I want you to close your eyes. Picture yourself standing in a tacky uniform, covered in grease, and smelling like you just finished scrubbing goo off of dishes for two hours. You have been pre-closing in the absence of customers for the last hour and a half, and there are about 5 minutes left until the clock strikes that magical hour when you get to go home. You drain the water/slime mixture from the sink, make sure everything else is squared away, and lean against the wall, trying to regain some energy while you wait until you can leave. Suddenly, a large, overweight primate of indeterminate gender enters the store.
Food?
It says something along the lines of "Are you closed?" and your manager cuts you off in mid-"yes" in order to say "no." Between mental outbursts of swearing, you notice the clock smugly displaying an LED "10:58" in your direction, mocking you. Not only does this poster-boy (girl?) for obesity proceed to order enough food to re-dirty 16 separate dishes, but he/she comes back complaining about how "I didn't want cheese," and demands a brand new burger. Needless to say, you get home rather later than you had hoped.
Comparable Perk
When they order a grasshopper or mint shake, and you put in enough mint to make Colgate sue for patent infringement. #1. The Drive-Thru Window
Why it Sucks
Iceberg was an pretty good place to work at until the Drive-Thru was installed. The concept is good - get your food without that pesky exercise and "walking." But the execution could be worked on. Employees must wear a headset with a microphone.
Drive-Thru headsets (artist's depiction)
These devices, invented by Nazi scientists in WWII, emit a shrill beeping noise directly into your ear canal whenever they want to bring to your attention the fact that some lazy blob is sitting outside in their Hummer, waiting to shout their demands for food at you. Now I'm not saying that they purposely beep the second you begin a task or stop to relax, but they do. It's uncanny. It has honestly gotten to the point that hearing short, high-pitched beeping noises makes me subconsciously angergasm before my conscious mind catches up and realizes it's not the headset.
Comparable Perk
The best thing I get to do with these torturous mechanisms is de-battery them at the end of the day. But I may someday execute a plan that involves accidentally dropping them all in the french fry oil. I can imagine the horrible screaming that would ensue now, just before their tiny silicone brains melt.
Hopefully I have done my part to help the economy (namely putting a stop to any future fast-food employee's dream job) with this post. Have any crappy fast-food stories? Leave me a comment.
I already have a post entitled "Things that Annoy Me." But if you thought that covered everything, you were wrong. (Because it didn't.)
I'm not one for lengthy introductions, so here we go.
#1. Twilight
I haven't found a legal means yet to express how much I hate this book.
#2. When People Think I Hate Twilight Because Edward Forces Me to Raise my Standards
So apparently Edwards standards are higher than mine in that he:
-sleeps in the same bed as Bella, while in High School -kills and eats helpless woodland creatures -speeds -dates girls that are nearly 100 years younger than him -drives a Volvo
And she thinks he's straight?
Congratulations, Twilight fans! You just succeeded in making less sense than Cuba.
#3. When I Think it's Done Snowing, and it's Not
Without fail, every time I unlock my hubcaps, within two or three days...
It has come to my attention that most of my competitors in the competitive world of competitive blogging competitions feel like they can't compete with me when it comes to number of readers. Since I'm going to win the competition anyway, I figured I would give them all a competitive edge and leak my secret to blog traffic.
Tip 1: How To's and Lists Everyone loves reading things that are organized into list format. Why do you think Twilight is so popular?
Actual excerpt
Heck, why do you think my blog is so popular? Everything I write is in lists. Which might explain my English grade. And Stephanie Meyer's.
Tip 2: Advertise on FaceBook
Think - most of your friends are on FaceBook. Who reads your blog? Your friends. So you should alert them to your new posts with your status! Admittedly, this one gets a little bit old after a while, so you may face some superficial frustration from people who read your status update.
Dramatization
At this point, you must make a decision: you can have friends, or you can have blog readers, and friends who want to twirl your intestines around a fork like spaghetti.
And then throw them at a baby.
Tip 3: Vlog about Hot Chocolate
Apparently it's quite a hot topic among potential blog readers. Jeez.
Hopefully this post has helped some of you that don't have more than 50 or 60 readers. These tips will turn your blog into a reader-magnet that extends to far off countries like Norway!
Response to my "How to Make a Stop Motion" post. Seriously.
