Letter to my Sister

I made a video. It is not a Vlog. But it is a video. And you should watch it. For those of you handicapped by BYU filters, the URL is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3EIlJ6niEY

For the rest of you,

A Blog First

When I first began blogging, I never thought it would come to this. Personal attacks on specific people were simply not on the list of things to blog about. With the exception of Miley Cyrus, because she isn't a person.

So here's the first recorded incident in history. It was brought on by the fact that Joshua entered my account sometime between last time I posted (last night at around 11:00) and when I got home from school today (about 2:30) and deleted the post. Why? Because it was full of snide (and devastatingly witty) asides that pointed quite obviously at him. And unfortunately, I have no way of recovering said post.

So here's the deal:

Joshua, I am talking directly to you now. If you ever touch my blog again in any way except for a harmless comment, I will hunt you down. I will disembowel you with a spatula. This is not an idle threat.



It will find you.

For the rest of you, I will try and re-create the post from last time, but like saving a JPEG too many times, some quality will be lost. I apologize for this, and promise to keep my account more secure from now on.

If any of my readers have verbal abuse to hurl at younger brothers, feel free to do so in the comments section.

Vlogging. Yea or Nay?

I was recently seized upon by sudden and unexplainable urge to try Vlogging. What inspired me? A single YouTube video that I stumbled accross. I won't link to it because it's totally irrelevant, but essentially, it was the first and only post on a Vlog I've ever seen that wasn't a teenager trying to be deep, and adult trying to be deep, a teenager playing some piece of crap music they composed, or and adult playing some piece of crap music they composed.





But fear not - my theory that all Vloggers are annoying losers is intact. Every other entry by this particular Vlogger fit into one of the above mentioned categories.

Since equipment is not an issue, I will list the pros and cons of Vlogging, then hold a poll to decide for me.

Pros:

-I can go down in history as the first non-obnoxious Vlogger. I strongly suspect there will be trophies involved.



This, only bigger


-It's easier for me to show rather than telling with video. This will delight creative writing teachers across the world.
-I could gain up to 4 viewers if I start uploading videos to YouTube. And maybe some of them won't even be other Vloggers that only comment because they want me to go watch their videos and comment too.
-It will motivate me to shave.
-I have an excuse to discriminate against people who are sitting behind really paranoid internet blockers.

Cons:

-There is a chance I will lose all of my self respect. I will ask now, in advance: if I ever include a guitar or any awkward poetry in my Vlog, please hire a hit man to have me assassinated. And tell them to make it look like an accident.



Then again, she is pure unadornment


-Editing movies takes a lot of time. And hard drive space.
-What if I forget to shave?

Well. I don't know about you, but I see more pros than cons. But! Comment. Cast your ballot. I await your opinions.

Rare Talents that I Have

Well it had to happen eventually. After all, the real reason I established this blog was so that eventually, I could go on a spiel about how talented I was. But this isn't just any old "I can play clarinet, recite Twilight cover to cover, and write awkward poetry" type list. No, these are talents I find in myself that very few other people in this world have. Mostly famous people. So without further ado,

#1. Simultaneously Planning and Filming the Same Movie

My Example: 23

It takes some wonderful improvisation skills to make up a movie as you go. Honestly, I'm not sure how I do it. And with such wonderful results too. Some people make movies out of books. But the true worth of a movie is proven when it's good enough to make a book out of the movie. Not that any book-of-a-movie could really capture the awesomeness of 23 anyway. And the publishers sent it back.




You could have been rich men!


Celebrity with the same talent:

Michael Bay

#2. Wasting Copious Amounts of Time

My Example:



Star Wars Kid II?
Sounds like a great movie.

I consider it particularly impressive that I spent a good 2 hours making this. And for what possible purpose, you ask? Do I, perhaps want to enjoy the kind of internet fame that our jiggly friend experienced? Well, no. The main reason is because I was bored.

Celebrity with the same talent:

Michael Bay
#3. Making Terrible Movies

Yeah. Michael Bay.

#4. Ruthlessly Mocking People Who Think they're Edgy

My example: You're reading it.

Are you 18? Do you have little or no knowlege about the issues that we faced during the presidential elections? You probably voted for Obama, didn't you?



"Because my parents are Republicans"

You realized that Obama was the candidate of choice for the young voter who knew nothing about politics. Also, he's black, so that makes him cooler.

My point? You're not edgy.

Celebrity with the same talent:
None. In this, I am unequaled.

If you like mocking people who are sadly mistaken about their own edginess, feel free to do so in the comments section.

The Field Guide to Utah Dance People Types

Dances in Utah can be extremely interesting places to be. But beware, there are several dangerous life-forms that can be present at these dances. Here is a field guide to the types of people native to Utah dances, whether they are held by the school, your stake, or your college ward.

#1. The guy that doesn't dance



Please stop jumping up and down


General Info:
Usually somewhere between the age of 14 and 16 (though exceptions are not terribly uncommon), this is the guy who makes you wonder why he's even at a dance. He'll just stand there awkwardly whenever a fast song is playing, usually along a wall, sometimes talking to his friends to distract everyone from the fact that he's not actually dancing.

Behavior:
Occasionally, he will go into the middle of a group to jump up and down with one hand in the air. Watch for this on songs such as Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, All the Small Things by Blink-182, or virtually anything by Good Charlotte. Also, he will sometimes dance with a girl when a slow song comes on.

Potential Dangers:
If you dance with him during a slow song, be prepared to have your feet stepped on repeatedly.

#2. The skank



Pictured: 2 skanks, 1 wannabe skank


General Info:
This girl can be anywhere from 14 to 22 years old. She usually views herself as rebellious and a party animal, and feels the need to make sure everyone else knows she's a rebellious party animal by dressing like a whore.

Behavior:
This girl thrives on rap music (which explains the increasing population), because it gives her opportunities to show everyone how rebellious she is by dirty dancing, such as grinding and "getting low."

Potential Dangers:
Be careful around her unless you want to be ridiculed for being a "goody two-shoes." Also, many skanks have extremely shrill laughs that can wreak havoc with human ear canals.

#3. The gangsta black guy



Picture taken in Lehi


General Info:
This rare specimen isn't found at every Utah dance, but most have one or two. The black guy at the dance is good at dancing and not afraid to let everyone know. Like the skank, he thrives on rap.

Behavior:
The main identifying behavior of this species is his attraction to both skanks, and dance circles (which are often formed by guys who won't dance to focus the attention to somewhere besides themselves). The black guy will go into this circle during a rap song and nearly always breakdance.

Potential Dangers:
Don't do anything that might anger a black guy, as he can probably best you in physical combat. If you are challenged to a fight, avoid making eye contact, back away slowly, and leave the dance.

#4. The white guy who thinks he's a gangsta black guy



Dude! People here don't
even dance! That's wack!


General Info:
As rap became popular in Utah, many white males saw how effective breakdancing was at attracting a potential mate. This evolved a large group of whites that fooled themselves into thinking they could breakdance.

Behavior:
Without fail, members of this fascinating sub-species tend to congregate in dance circles. They love the attention they get from the uneducated masses. One legendary "wangster" (who will remain unnamed) broke the record for "number of times entered into a single circle to breakdance," a record that still stands today, and is all the more impressive because he was serious, not just making fun of himself.

Potential Dangers:
This species has been known to challenge black guys to breakdance competitions. If you are black, and get challenged by a wangster, don't panic. Black people have a 99.8% win rate against white people.

#5. The ballroom couple



These guys, only at a high
school dance instead of
a competition


General Info:
The defining feature of the ballroom couple is their interesting symbiosis at dances. A lone ballroom dancer has never been identified at a dance, so scientists are forced to assume they cannot be separated for more than about 30 minutes without dying.

Behavior:
These species are extremely easy to identify during slow songs. Look for a couple that seems to be romantically involved, and utilizing a ridiculous number of twirls and dips in their dancing.. The commonly accepted reason for this is their deeply ingrained need for attention, which is rarely satisfied by society in daily life.

Potential Dangers:
Ballroom dancers are mostly harmless and rarely aggressive. However, there are nearly 100 reported cases of extreme psychological damage due to seeing a guy in tight black shiny leather pants.

Utah dances are places that can be full of wonder, but quite dangerous for the uneducated traveler. Keep this field guide with you at all times when at a dance, however, and you should be protected from any danger. Available in hardcover and paperback form for $100.00 USD. Call 1-800-SAFE-DANCE-NOW. Must be 18 or older to order.