The Field Guide to Utah Dance People Types

Dances in Utah can be extremely interesting places to be. But beware, there are several dangerous life-forms that can be present at these dances. Here is a field guide to the types of people native to Utah dances, whether they are held by the school, your stake, or your college ward.

#1. The guy that doesn't dance



Please stop jumping up and down


General Info:
Usually somewhere between the age of 14 and 16 (though exceptions are not terribly uncommon), this is the guy who makes you wonder why he's even at a dance. He'll just stand there awkwardly whenever a fast song is playing, usually along a wall, sometimes talking to his friends to distract everyone from the fact that he's not actually dancing.

Behavior:
Occasionally, he will go into the middle of a group to jump up and down with one hand in the air. Watch for this on songs such as Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, All the Small Things by Blink-182, or virtually anything by Good Charlotte. Also, he will sometimes dance with a girl when a slow song comes on.

Potential Dangers:
If you dance with him during a slow song, be prepared to have your feet stepped on repeatedly.

#2. The skank



Pictured: 2 skanks, 1 wannabe skank


General Info:
This girl can be anywhere from 14 to 22 years old. She usually views herself as rebellious and a party animal, and feels the need to make sure everyone else knows she's a rebellious party animal by dressing like a whore.

Behavior:
This girl thrives on rap music (which explains the increasing population), because it gives her opportunities to show everyone how rebellious she is by dirty dancing, such as grinding and "getting low."

Potential Dangers:
Be careful around her unless you want to be ridiculed for being a "goody two-shoes." Also, many skanks have extremely shrill laughs that can wreak havoc with human ear canals.

#3. The gangsta black guy



Picture taken in Lehi


General Info:
This rare specimen isn't found at every Utah dance, but most have one or two. The black guy at the dance is good at dancing and not afraid to let everyone know. Like the skank, he thrives on rap.

Behavior:
The main identifying behavior of this species is his attraction to both skanks, and dance circles (which are often formed by guys who won't dance to focus the attention to somewhere besides themselves). The black guy will go into this circle during a rap song and nearly always breakdance.

Potential Dangers:
Don't do anything that might anger a black guy, as he can probably best you in physical combat. If you are challenged to a fight, avoid making eye contact, back away slowly, and leave the dance.

#4. The white guy who thinks he's a gangsta black guy



Dude! People here don't
even dance! That's wack!


General Info:
As rap became popular in Utah, many white males saw how effective breakdancing was at attracting a potential mate. This evolved a large group of whites that fooled themselves into thinking they could breakdance.

Behavior:
Without fail, members of this fascinating sub-species tend to congregate in dance circles. They love the attention they get from the uneducated masses. One legendary "wangster" (who will remain unnamed) broke the record for "number of times entered into a single circle to breakdance," a record that still stands today, and is all the more impressive because he was serious, not just making fun of himself.

Potential Dangers:
This species has been known to challenge black guys to breakdance competitions. If you are black, and get challenged by a wangster, don't panic. Black people have a 99.8% win rate against white people.

#5. The ballroom couple



These guys, only at a high
school dance instead of
a competition


General Info:
The defining feature of the ballroom couple is their interesting symbiosis at dances. A lone ballroom dancer has never been identified at a dance, so scientists are forced to assume they cannot be separated for more than about 30 minutes without dying.

Behavior:
These species are extremely easy to identify during slow songs. Look for a couple that seems to be romantically involved, and utilizing a ridiculous number of twirls and dips in their dancing.. The commonly accepted reason for this is their deeply ingrained need for attention, which is rarely satisfied by society in daily life.

Potential Dangers:
Ballroom dancers are mostly harmless and rarely aggressive. However, there are nearly 100 reported cases of extreme psychological damage due to seeing a guy in tight black shiny leather pants.

Utah dances are places that can be full of wonder, but quite dangerous for the uneducated traveler. Keep this field guide with you at all times when at a dance, however, and you should be protected from any danger. Available in hardcover and paperback form for $100.00 USD. Call 1-800-SAFE-DANCE-NOW. Must be 18 or older to order.