Stake Office Secrets

Yesterday I was able to break into a high-security office facility in a stake center in Highland. This has been a goal of mine for some time.



Once again, I suspect there
is a trophy involved.

But what I found in that office was... let's say "enlightening." I cannot accurately tell, so instead I will show you the contents of one filing cabinet in particular. Be aware, you may learn more than you ever wanted to know about the underbelly of the church.

The following documents were all in the bottom drawer, buried under a veritable mountain of For the Strength of Youth pamphlets. After carefully photographing each piece of evidence, my position was compromised and I was forced to make a hasty getaway.

Any document that is hard to read (which would be any of them) can be clicked on to expand.

Exhibit A:




Exhibit B:



Exhibit C:



Exhibit D:



Exhibit E:



Possibly the most disturbing object, however, was found inside one of the "For the Strength of Youth pamphlets, cut out as if it were being hid in a prison.



Undetectable from the outside


I opened the book and extracted this:




Make what you will of these documents. My publisher will be getting back to me soon.

Dual Vlog with Melissa and I

I would also like everyone to know that I don't think Conference is really boring.

Vlog Wars: Episode I - the Phantom Remote

For those of you who need it, here's the URL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycqU4hjRr_E

For those of you who don't, here's the video:


Please note that as soon as I was done with filming the first section, I found the remote. The irony gods smile upon me today.

The Answer

We all know that I like making fun of things. What some of you MAY not know however, is that I also enjoy dating. Kaycie sent me this video to ask me to Preference this year, so I decided to reply in kind. I consider my answer video to be somewhat of a blend of my two passions: making fun of stuff, and scoring a date. And making movies is fun in its own right, too. Here is Kaycie's video.




http://www.youtube.com/v/31DxV7Z_FBI&hl=en&fs=1

Before I answer, I would like to thank a few of my sources and inspirations.

First, to Billy Mays, I owe my gratitude. Without his obscenely loud shouting of every single line, I would not have had anything to make fun of this video.



And buy some FREAKING Oxy Clean!

Second, to the Tiddy Bear infomercial. Melissa recommended I talk about it on my blog anyway, so here's the tribute picture for that. I didn't want to make fun of this infomercial, as that would be akin to tripping a mentally handicapped kid and then spitting on him. Rather I celebrate how much guts it would take to air this on public television, let alone star in it.




Link to video omitted

So without further ado, here is my multi-faceted video. It is simultaneously a parody of everything Billy Mays has ever appeared in, a tribute to the courage displayed by the makers of the Tiddy Bear, and my answer to Kaycie's video asking me to Preference.


http://www.youtube.com/v/G7HU8mIt3TE&hl=en&fs=1

As a final note, I would like to point out to everyone that I misspelled "Preference" on the tee shirt. So I guess in a way this is also a tribute to my Princess. And if you didn't get that, you are not Melissa.

2006 vs 2008

So I had a Chamber gig this morning. And I got into my tux. And I said to myself "Kyle." (Sometimes I call myself Kyle.) "You are a stud. Take a picture, and put it on FaceBook." And through a long and narcissistic series of events, I found myself looking through my other FaceBook pictures. And I found one I took in 9th grade of me in my 9th grade Chamber tux. And I decided to write a compare/contrast essay on the two pictures. Because, let's face it: 5-7 pages of research paper for Gardner really isn't enough English writing in my life. So the paper follows. And I'll intersperse the pictures throughout so you don't forget what I'm writing about (because you guys just can't focus), and so I have more opportunities to make funny captions. Everyone wins. Go team! And the first picture is a thumbnail that links to the full-size. Also, I would like to point out that both pictures are available separately on FaceBook (pic c0mm3nts plzzzz!!!1!)



Bond. James Bond.
Bond. James Bond.

Since the beginning of time, man has posed in full Tuxedo attire for FaceBook pictures on a regular basis. This phenomenon has been called many things, such as "posing in a tux for a FB pic," "taking a picture of yourself in a tuxedo," and "Holy crap. That guy is hot." Because of the nature of posing for a tuxedo shot, America what it is today.

In 2006, Andrew Broekhuijsen was a Freshman at TMS. And he was in Chamber. So sometimes, he wore a tuxedo. The first recorded incident of this was about 1 month into the school year (Broekhuijsen 29,674). The same day, he took a picture of himself posing sexily.



[censored]

On the other side of the tortilla, on December 6th, 2008, Andrew took another one, this time in his slightly more legit 11th grade tux (Wikipedia). And he found that there were a whole lot of similarities between the two pictures. And he said to himself, "Randy, I should write a blog post about this."



See? Similar.

As you can see, the left picture (2006) features the "hand on the hips, with slightly tilted head" look. But! So does the one on the right, with a slightly more tilted head.



I like to think of it as a symbol
of my growing maturity.

Even more curiously, the pictures were taken with the same section of wall in the background (Probably, 1) When I saw that, I said to myself, "Nebuchadnezzar, you have some odd recurring habits."



This is the picture I'm talking
about, by the way

So as you can see,



Don't forget


these pictures forever changed the growing country that america turned out





to be.

END ESSAY

As a final note, I would like to point out that I purposely broke all the rules that were taught to me by Birrell and Woolsey. Quick recap: Cheesy cliché phrases, check. Ridiculously generalized thesis, check. Citing Wikipedia, check. Forgetting to capitalize the world "America," check. Single-spaced works cited* page, check. Predictable MasterCard reference, priceless.



*Works Cited page may or
may not be invisible.

How to Argue

For those of you who are unfamiliar with recent Blog history, here's the story behind this post. On November 24th, I posted it. On November 25th in the morning, Joshua deleted it because it was inspired by him, and evidently he felt that he deserved a portion of the profits. After a long and dramatic lawsuit involving public humiliation and disturbing death threats, I finally compensated him for roughly 500% of this blog's annual income (about $0.02) and in return, he showed me where he had backed up the blog post before he deleted it.

I will admit that this post was pretty rude. But it was also quite funny apparently. So I'll re-post it anyway. Here it is, how to argue:

---------------------------------

Before I start, I would like to thank Joshua for enlightening me on this subject. After experiencing his perfected form of this art, I have embarked on a period of reform in an attempt to refine my own ways. And I want to share this with you all too, so that you don't find yourself hopelessly outclassed next time you argue with a 14-year-old.

1. Repeat Their Argument

Your opponent comes up with an argument, and you can't seem to think of a counter-point that would refute it. At this point, don't panic. Your best bet is to take the argument they just crafted, change a few words to make it insulting, and hurl it back at them. It will confuse them, lower their morale significantly, and distract them from the purpose of the argument. In the case that you can't come up with replacement words, some arguments can be repeated verbatim.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I wish you would stop picking on 10-year-olds.
[You]: I wish you would stop being such an idiot!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you.
[You]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you!

2. Interrupt

One seemingly obvious, yet somehow underused technique is cutting off your opponent mid-sentence. It's really just common sense—if your opponent can't finish their argument, it becomes moot. For the greatest impact, interrupt in a place you can use to finish your opponent's sentence. Failing this, however, repeating one word or phrase until they stop talking can work. The uneducated mind might think this technique is in the same class as just plugging your ears and singing, "I can't hear you," but come on. That's immature.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I'm just going to ignore your arguments from now on, because—
[You]: —they own you? You can't think of anything to say so you're just giving up? Yeah!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: As you can see from this chart I've compiled of every time you have angrily hit something because you lost a computer game,—
[You]: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

3. Go off on a Tangent

This will make the argument seem pointless for your opponent, at which stage they will usually just give up and let you have your way. The best way to do this is to point out a minor error they made in their speech, or ridicule something completely unrelated about them.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: You need to go over they're, and apologize to your brother for feeding him glue.
[You]: You idiot, their's no apostrophe in that kind of "there."

Example 2:
[Opponent]: Don't force feed your brother non-edible substances. It's simple.
[You]: What, like you've never made a mistake in your whole life?

4. Threaten Physical Attack

When the argument just isn't going your way, one last-ditch thing you can do is intimidate your opponent with your sheer physical advantage. If no such advantage exists, you can either assume that they won't notice (they probably won't), or go for some low but devastatingly effective attack.

Example 1:
[You]: I just want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Example 2:
[You]: Stop talking, or I'll elbow you where it counts.

5. Get the Last Word

This is the true secret to winning an argument. How do you think Lincoln beat Douglass at all those debates? Even if he was getting his butt handed to him at each clash, he walked away with WAY more dignity at the end just by being the last one to talk.



I felt like I needed a picture.


This can be accomplished by either spewing one final remark and then declaring the argument over, or simply by muttering under your breath after they believe they have won.

Example 1:
[You]: I don't care what you think, I'm going to do whatever I want, the end.

Example 2:
[Opponent]:
[You]: (whispering) ...such an idiot.

I'm too lazy right now to write a clever ending paragraph, the end.