How to Argue

For those of you who are unfamiliar with recent Blog history, here's the story behind this post. On November 24th, I posted it. On November 25th in the morning, Joshua deleted it because it was inspired by him, and evidently he felt that he deserved a portion of the profits. After a long and dramatic lawsuit involving public humiliation and disturbing death threats, I finally compensated him for roughly 500% of this blog's annual income (about $0.02) and in return, he showed me where he had backed up the blog post before he deleted it.

I will admit that this post was pretty rude. But it was also quite funny apparently. So I'll re-post it anyway. Here it is, how to argue:

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Before I start, I would like to thank Joshua for enlightening me on this subject. After experiencing his perfected form of this art, I have embarked on a period of reform in an attempt to refine my own ways. And I want to share this with you all too, so that you don't find yourself hopelessly outclassed next time you argue with a 14-year-old.

1. Repeat Their Argument

Your opponent comes up with an argument, and you can't seem to think of a counter-point that would refute it. At this point, don't panic. Your best bet is to take the argument they just crafted, change a few words to make it insulting, and hurl it back at them. It will confuse them, lower their morale significantly, and distract them from the purpose of the argument. In the case that you can't come up with replacement words, some arguments can be repeated verbatim.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I wish you would stop picking on 10-year-olds.
[You]: I wish you would stop being such an idiot!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you.
[You]: I recommend some anger-management classes for you!

2. Interrupt

One seemingly obvious, yet somehow underused technique is cutting off your opponent mid-sentence. It's really just common sense—if your opponent can't finish their argument, it becomes moot. For the greatest impact, interrupt in a place you can use to finish your opponent's sentence. Failing this, however, repeating one word or phrase until they stop talking can work. The uneducated mind might think this technique is in the same class as just plugging your ears and singing, "I can't hear you," but come on. That's immature.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: I'm just going to ignore your arguments from now on, because—
[You]: —they own you? You can't think of anything to say so you're just giving up? Yeah!

Example 2:
[Opponent]: As you can see from this chart I've compiled of every time you have angrily hit something because you lost a computer game,—
[You]: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

3. Go off on a Tangent

This will make the argument seem pointless for your opponent, at which stage they will usually just give up and let you have your way. The best way to do this is to point out a minor error they made in their speech, or ridicule something completely unrelated about them.

Example 1:
[Opponent]: You need to go over they're, and apologize to your brother for feeding him glue.
[You]: You idiot, their's no apostrophe in that kind of "there."

Example 2:
[Opponent]: Don't force feed your brother non-edible substances. It's simple.
[You]: What, like you've never made a mistake in your whole life?

4. Threaten Physical Attack

When the argument just isn't going your way, one last-ditch thing you can do is intimidate your opponent with your sheer physical advantage. If no such advantage exists, you can either assume that they won't notice (they probably won't), or go for some low but devastatingly effective attack.

Example 1:
[You]: I just want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Example 2:
[You]: Stop talking, or I'll elbow you where it counts.

5. Get the Last Word

This is the true secret to winning an argument. How do you think Lincoln beat Douglass at all those debates? Even if he was getting his butt handed to him at each clash, he walked away with WAY more dignity at the end just by being the last one to talk.



I felt like I needed a picture.


This can be accomplished by either spewing one final remark and then declaring the argument over, or simply by muttering under your breath after they believe they have won.

Example 1:
[You]: I don't care what you think, I'm going to do whatever I want, the end.

Example 2:
[Opponent]:
[You]: (whispering) ...such an idiot.

I'm too lazy right now to write a clever ending paragraph, the end.