To whom it may concern:
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your professionalism. Truly I have been inspired by your extraordinary capacity for judgment of the human race as a whole. And how you have applied that to your business practices only serves to demonstrate your immense wisdom.
How could a mere mortal hope to achieve the same level of prudence as the man, nay, divine being, who discovered that all teenagers are terrible drivers? Indeed, those monsters unquestionably pose an untold threat to all the responsible, adult drivers on the roads of this country. It logically follows, then, that their insurance should cost twice the normal amount; only then can the universe be in perfect fiscal balance.
But under no circumstances should those blights against the human race, those scourges of mortals everywhere, those... teenage boys be afforded the same measure of decency as their relatively tolerable female counterparts. No, Baal himself demands that they be charged no less than four times the regular sum for auto insurance.
It behooves you to realize that not a single one of these savage barbarians deserves the chance to prove their skill and competence at driving safely. Let there be no possible mercy on those of them who avoid even the merest accident for the entire duration of their driving career. It matters not if he follows the speed limit more zealously than the SUV-owning mothers of Utah Valley who come to you for auto coverage. It matters not if he has never texted while driving, as is the custom of 95% of the 16 to 25-year-old girls you insure. It matters not if he uses his turn signal more often than the collective population of Provo. He is a teenage boy, and the bottom line is, he must not prevail!
Using the economy to your advantage, you have the power to end the auto-careers of these menaces on the road. I charge thee, therefore, to seal every loophole, caulk every legal gap, and prevent the continuation of the teenage-male-driver breed.
Viva la KGB!
Hugo Chavez
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