These Shoes RULE!

So as all of you know, due to your feverish stalking of me after reading my first few blog posts, I've been wanting a pair of bowling shoes for quite some time now. Not because I'm the next Danny Wiseman,




I didn't know who he was prior to this post either.


but because I wanted to wear them as a fashion statement. Unfortunately, I didn't know how intensely hard it was to get ahold of such a pair of shoes. Initially, I thought a quick phone call to the bowling alley would solve it. Here's the actual transcript of the phone call, because I take transcripts of all my phone calls:

Me: Hello, do you guys sell your rental shoes?
Jack & Jill's: No, kid, you'll shoot your eye out!
Me: For shame.

Apparently it's illegal to sell bowling rental shoes to a minor to regular civilians because if you enter an alley, people could think they were stolen. I understand the rationale behind that, because I can't think of anything I would rather steal from a bowling alley than shoes that have been worn by 150 people other than myself. Except maybe some used kleenexes out of the trash can.

So after this minor setback, I stumbled upon the bowling black market.




The bowling black market is a little-known,
yet extremely lucrative business. Note the
expensive suits worn by these crime lords.


Long story short, I got my shoes any way I had to. There's a little site out there for those who are willing to look to find it called illegalbowlingshoes.com. They charged only $30 for the shoes, shipped it free (albeit from an unknown location), and didn't mess up my order. Little did I know that they had a trick up their sleeves. The first thing I noticed when I opened my shoes was this:




That's English for "illegal."

Yes, they say "rental" on them in big, obvious letters. I guess that's the price I pay for style.

Now there are benefits to having these shoes. Contrary to what you might think, I was not immediately tased on the streets and arrested by the fuzz the minute I walked outdoors. In fact, I wore these shoes bowling on Saturday, and didn't have to rent any. They're already paying for themselves! Another bonus is they really seem to focus my bowling skills. I bowled a 264 that night* thanks to these shoes.

*May or may not be a shameless lie

Finally, last but not least, these shoes are perfect for moonwalking on almost any surface. Those of you who have been bowling have probably noticed the lack of traction on the bottom of these shoes. This is on purpose, presumably to both promote hilarious slips and falls on the lanes, and probably to help you bowl better or something, too. But Michael Jackson would be proud of the use I've put these beauties to.





Disclaimer: these shoes do not grant
the wearer the ability to moonwalk.